Going to pubs, clubs, bars etc. alone?

Post Reply New Topic

Why were they going to beat you up?

Yes. All you have to do is give the wrong look and next thing you know, you've got a guy threatening to kill you. I've been there.

It's easy enough with the way most of the guys in those places act wanting to impress the women and such. And for an aspie its even easier your clueless to the social clues and you give off those pick on me vibes they can feel.

The whole process of going out alone actually played a huge part in getting me where I am now. When I ended a long-term relationship three years ago, it involved moving to another part of town where I didn't know anybody, not that I had any other really strong friendships anyway. All I was really familiar with in the area was this one pub, ironically one that my exGF had introduced me to originally, although we hadn't been there for years. Anyway, Saturday nights there were cheesy retro disco and I thought that sounded OK so I went to check it out, alone.

I rocked up at 10 and the place was dead, I mean like 20 people in there. I sat at a table, drank a few beers, smoked a few cigs, read the street press as best as I could in the dim light. Eventually I just decided screw this, I'm just gonna have to get up and dance by myself. Now I always prefer to dance without a partner but I mean no-one else was dancing at all. But that's what I was there to do so sooner or later I was going to have to do it.

Now when I say dancing, I'm more accurately talking about setting the standard physical/behavioural symptoms of AS in time with Bananarama. After a few songs where people thought I was just insane, eventually it broke the ice and by the time the crowd had got to round about 70-80 half of them were dancing. After a few weeks of this I just wasn't self-conscious about it at all. Even if I thought anyone was thinking I was making a dickhead out of myself, that just pushed me further. I was just in the zone, in my own private world, having fun in a way that didn't have to involve friends, a social life, or caring about what anyone thought.

Of course the amount of attention that this drew meant that eventually people would approach me and start conversations, and I began to put faces to the names of the pub regulars. The pub had a bit of a gay following so I got hit on by guys who were like, well you must be up for it because you always come here alone! But what I had never expected was that after 4-5 months of this the pub owner would ask me to step in as the new DJ on Saturday nights, figuring that I had such cheesy tastes and no evident sense of embarrassment.

In the two years that I've been doing this on and off, I've not only become acquainted with all the pub regulars and formed friendships, I've also made contacts through whom I've found jobs, a relationship, places to live...etc. etc...I've also met people there that have booked me to play at other functions and clubs. None of which I thought would ever come out of just going out to dance by myself on a Saturday night.

I've been confronted by more guys for ignoring their GF's. I really hate getting that condescending "aww you poor thing, I'll dance with you" approach.

There's a place near my house (meaning 20-minute drive) where it's actually OK to come alone, even for a guy. It's a dance studio where they teach lessons. After a lesson, people are given an hour or two to dance among themselves, which is good practice. I started going there in 2003, and came by myself most of the time, since my friends came once and found the place boring.

Although I have a lot of respect for my friends, I'm actually glad they didn't like the place. I find the idea of them watching me dance quite unsettling. At the dance studio, nobody gives a darn how well you can dance. As long as you treat everyone with respect, you fit in. Now over the two years I've been going there, I managed to become a good dancer. Other people caught on to this, and now I have girls at the studio asking me to dance with them, and they actually seem to enjoy it.

Obviously there are boundaries that you absolutely must respect. Although the place requires a certain comfort level in dancing with a stranger, everybody knows that they shouldn't get too close or try moves that are too risque. On the flip side, instuctors discourage you from turning people down unless you have a really good reason ("he/she isn't 'cool' enough" doesn't count), so the rejection rate for me is often less than 5%.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 03 Apr 2006, 4:53 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Hey, there might be hope for us yet! Great to hear stories about overcoming the limitations.

I go to clubs or pubs only with my shyness support group or 'friends', because i need company in a club or pub and would otherwise feel odd and lone
Clubs i have found are crap for conversation- they are only good for dancing

But can and do go to concerts and poetry shows alone & enjoy myself there.

I've never gone out to club or a pub alone, though I have been curious, just to see if any guys will come and talk to me. Theres not really a large choice of places to go where I live.
Theres the dank smelly club where all the lowlife's hang out or there is the upper class club where the drinks are overpriced. There is a pub which seems popular but its popularity makes it very crowded. everyone has to wait at the bar for ages to get served.

They had reasons - wholly ignorant, prejudiced reasons - for wanting to beat me up that are a bit too personal to mention on here.

But I will say they clearly felt I was creepy, maybe it was to do with being alone, maybe it was to do with being out of place, maybe it was to do in addition with showing a lack of social skills and interaction. I can't be certain.

At least, my experience should prevent other Aspies from going to clubs alone. Not that I think any of you are planning to do that, far from it.

Indeed! There are places where we fit and places where we don't. Pubs is solidly in the "don't" column. It's all non-verbal. So much so, the words can come out hillariously innappropriate and not matter at all. I've seen it!

The typical, "Man, if I said that, I'd be..."

I have a brief story that might give some hope to aspie guys in clubs. Most people here would say that clubs are problematic due to extensive non-verbal communication involved. However, I had an experience where my perceptions of my own AS were blown out of the water.

It happened when I went clubbing during my trip to Israel. Now even though the club was pretty small, the technology was spectacular: lights, fog machines, good acoustics, the whole nine yards. The place was packed, although there was plenty of space to dance. Since I could speak only a few words of Hebrew, I had to communicate almost entirely by hand gestures, facial expressions, and body language. I thought it would be an impossible task, yet I pulled it off nicely; eight girls danced with me, getting pretty close. And they were so warm and friendly, I was utterly shocked; for as long as I went to clubs, I've never seen people that nice.

Can anyone explain the sudden ability to understand non-verbal communation in a club, of all places? What was responsible for it? Was there something in the air or in the water? Was the club built on the land that once was a holy site? Was it simply too much beer? Post your answers, either seriously or just for fun.

That really does come down to the individual. Non-verbal communication is a problem if you're hoping to meet anyone there, even just new friends; but if you're in a situation where you can have a good time alone, and not have to worry about other people, then you can simply avoid NVC altogether. People will probably think you're a bit weird but hey, who cares?? The worst thing that's ever come out of going to a pub alone, for me, has been a boring night.

I guess my only advice to anyone who's not sure about going to pubs or clubs alone is to do your homework. Find out who goes to a particular place, what happens there, and most importantly how good is the security?

I have to admit, though, that I'm directing this mainly at the guys here. I'd hate to be a woman contemplating going out alone.

Beer! I am obsessed with it! I must have tried hundreds and hundreds if not over a thousand different beer brands from around the world. I have the tastes and smells memorized down to the minute sensory detail (an aspie trait?); I also homebrew on occasion. I even have a huge beer glass collection with over 400 different glasses from various breweries. I can rattle off obscure beer history at the drop of a hat!

There is one problem. I can only go so far with this narrow interest without becomming an alchoholic and destroying my liver Mmmmmm....beeeeeerrr I am in my deepest train of thought when slightly buzzed

I don't go to pubs and nightclubs and such. They smell bad, they're too loud, and they people are annoying. I don't want to be around a bunch of drunkards working toward vomiting on themselves.

Wow, that is one useful obsession to have when you go out to bars or clubs, and when you're socialising. It's surely an interest that will gain you and maintain some degree of popularity for you.

Hey gortex,

You and I gotta meet up for a pint some time