Can't be bothered?

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- I'm sure much of it is the way I come across. When seeing doctors about my AS recently, I managed to see by chance a letter to someone from a previous doctor which mentioned among other things that my eye contact was either non-existent or disproportionately intrusive. And that I had an unusual, flat, detached affect. About the eye contact, I always suspected what was written - that I had pretty much only two modes of eye contact, either too much or little. Unfortunately I think the affect is true too, the only difference from when the letter was written is that I smile more.

The way I come across does give people the wrong idea at times...

Recently I've been aware that especially when talking to girls I'd like to go out with, my eye contact is very patchy and nervous. Such situations do end up being an uphill struggle. In fact, so do ordinary social situations.

- Having only a handful of individual close friends, and being comfortable with that.

- Restricted interests do mean that I unfortunately have limited conversation in social situations. Little or no interest in, or knowledge of, showbiz, entertainment, popular culture, movies, music, sports etc. You know, things that WILL take up a large fraction of most conversations. Not naturally knowing what to say, when people are looking for me to make a contribution or when it's my turn to speak.

- As in the case of my previous bosses, if someone has been nasty enough to me over a period of time, I'm just past caring.

(Let's carry on this thread!)

I am shy and haven't got a lot to say to people, (especially really loud, chatty strangers), and that's when I feel awkward. I'm fine if I've already got to know them, but if I go to a social event where I don't know anybody, I tend to shy away and stand there looking really nervous. And I just mill about then, and stand in people's way, and just feel very awkward and unconfident. I find it hard to just go upto a stranger and start yapping to them. That is not in me. The only time when I can go upto a stranger and start talking is if I work with them, and they are new or something. But at a social event like a party I just cannot do it. Ain't got the guts.

I agree with pretty much everything that has said so far here. In particular the feeling like I haven't got anything to say that would interest people, the having to put lots and lots of energy in to figuring out when I'm meant to look attentive, when I'm meant to reply &c., struggling loads to understand what people are saying when background noise is around, feeling lonely when I'm among people but can't fit in with anyone...

This is my first time to visit WrongPlanet, but I really can relate to a lot of what is being said here. I love it when I can socialize and be lively and it works, but so often something "switches" and I feel alienated and tongue-tied and I am squirming in my skin until I can go home. I so often feel quite different from other people, as tho they have some veneer that I don't have (and don't want to have either).

I also have this thing where I'll be having a conversation and I'll have trouble not "looking" at the person. There seems like there's some difference - people look at each other all the time, but I'll switch into this mode where it's like I'm *really* looking at them and they'll get self-conscious. (Me too.) I don't know how to turn that off.

So I'm trying to figure out what is up with me because I've been around for awhile (I'm almost 50), and I still feel like I'm so different. It feels like I'm being snobby, which I don't like, but I don't know how to turn it off. People are people, I tell myself. But it doesn't feel like it's true, it feels like I'm different. And I think that's what I'm hearing from other folks here.

Boring. Difficult. Not worth the effort.





I don't think, I know.

Me too.

Also, social anxiety. Years of trying to socialize without decent social skills left me with an irrational feeling that any conversation I have will end in failure. What really bothers me is that I know I'm capable of having interesting conversations, but I'm not confident enough to talk to people I'm not familiarized with. As I stated before, irrational.

Laziness and introversion. I usually prefer being alone (with the exception of a few close friends,) with the exception of school (but even then, I would be driven crazy if I was in a school situation constantly.)

Also, most conversations are, frankly, quite boring.

I find small talk boring and pointless and most socialising situations call for small talk and answering questions about myself which I don't do very well. Also...I tend to have to keep reminding myself to ask questions and appear interested in people who I'm not at all interested in.

I have my comfort zones where, depending on mood and topic, I'll join in comfortably. This will only be with people who know almost everything there is to know about me and won't revert to small talk and "let's get to know each other" conversation.

If I bump into people I know who want to talk to me when I'm out running errands and such, I don't want to be stopped for conversations because it's time consuming and I just want to greet them and stay on task. I avoid these situations as much as I can.

I think this is actually common among NT's as well. The first time I encountered one of my neighbors in public, she "ran and hid" by suddenly pretending to be busy with something that it was quite apparent she had no real reason to be, and my sister once contended that we ought to not announce our presence to our cousins when we spotted them while out shopping.

Because from experience engaging with NTs just leads to arguments devoid of logic or somehow they will annoy me so I avoid them or switch off may be a better way to phrase it!

1. interaction is exhausting.

2. i never know if i'm making too much or too little eye contact, and i devote lots of energy to thinking about eye contact and forget what's being discussed. also, i use my hands a lot when i talk and i've noticed some people watch my hands while i talk, which makes me self-conscious and causes me to lose track of what i'm saying.

3. i hate small talk and i mostly refuse to engage in it. i've also been known to go out of my way to avoid people i know when i see them in public so that i don't have to chat with them about...nothing. when i'm stuck listening to someone talk about nothingness, i'll think: why are you telling me this? does anyone care? why do people talk about this stuff? i don't understand...how am i supposed to respond to your comment about how many emails you have to respond to before lunch time? and you went to the gym yesterday....uh huh...congrats? i'm guessing no response is needed, though, because from what i've gathered NTs just like to talk and aren't so much expecting a response, so i can get away with saying something like, "that's interesting." but i feel like a total fraud because it's not interesting!

4. i can be way too honest, which isn't always received well. i don't say things to hurt anyone's feelings on purpose, but random, truthful observations will slip out if i'm not careful. when i was in college i had a good friend who was overweight. one day we were walking somewhere together, and i remember she was wearing a really soft sweater. i looked over at her and said, "i'm so tired. your arm looks like a pillow. so comfy. i just want to lie down on it." she pointed out that that was inappropriate and mean to say, and i was horrified that i hurt her feelings, but it was true: her arm DID look like a pillow...

5. i don't know what to talk about...and if there's no point in talking (i.e., if i'm not gaining or sharing usable knowledge during the conversation), then we're just making small talk.

6. i'm a very private person. i'm uncomfortable talking about myself, but i realize that sharing information about who you are is part of getting to know someone. i feel invaded when someone asks questions about me (i've been annoyed all week that people keep asking what i'm doing for thanksgiving--i know this is a very common question but i don't feel like sharing). my unwillingness to talk about myself doesn't make for great conversations--actually, in the past it has made a few people over the top invasive as they prodded me to talk about myself. ugh.

7. i often forget i'm supposed to ask people the same questions they've asked me (how are you?, how was your weekend?, etc.). i'll remember minutes or hours after the fact and feel bad about not having asked. i guess this goes back to being bad at small talk...i've been told i seem like a snob (i'm not) and that makes me want to withdraw and not talk to anyone.

8. my brain does this thing where it goes through seemingly EVERY POSSIBLE RESPONSE that i could have to what someone has said to me. it does this very quickly, but it still results in a lag time while i'm mentally flipping through possible responses to find the appropriate thing to say. it's interesting, it's not even so much that i'm actively thinking as that my brain is thinking for me. when i'm asked a question i'm not prepared to answer, i need silence and a couple of minutes to think before i come up with a response (and that sometimes doesn't go over well with people who want an answer right then). i don't react well to being put on the spot at all...suffice it to say that all of this leads to awkward silences, which makes me come across as weird. i should have just shorted this point to read: i'm awkward in conversations. the end.