Jerk radar

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A few of those 'red flags' are simple aspie traits.
People misinterpret reasons.
They would assume that reason.
When you ask him why he's so quiet, he says, "I only say what needs to be said."
Well, In that scenario I'd say something similiar.
"Some people talk because they have to say something, I talk because I have something to say"
OR
"Dunno"
He doesn't like to go to social places
Again, I don't - but because it's tiring.
There's not a lot of people in this world I let into my life."
What? I'm supposed to lie?
He mentions how he has a high IQ, and not many people "understand him."
I do have a high IQ. Not many people understand me.
If they ask me a question, I'll tell them the truth.
When you ask him why he doesn't open up about his emotions, he says, "I'm a machine. I'm programmed not to feel."
I would probably say something similiar if I didn't want to go into a long explanitation.

wonder why he has such a strong connection to certain things, yet emotionally he's aloof.
Again, I do and am.

When you call him out on his s**t, he playfully says, "I'm clueless!"
I generally am clueless.

If you ever once, just for one second, see a frightening, mad, staring-eyed look on his face that isn’t the result of something at least as horrifying as him having just been bitten by a venomous snake (i.e if you’ve just suggested you both visit some friends of yours) then no matter how fleeting it was or how deeply you think you care for him, either run for the hills or change the locks (depending on whose house it is). Ignore this one and it could cost you your life.
Fight-or flight response.

I won't go any further but all in all, I think we can come off as jerks when we're really just clueless.

Marked in mime, or dance form. That would be interesting.

How would one communicate numbers like this? Or would it be something that could be communicated without numbers?

(I'm purposely misunderstanding this )

Iamme...

The difference between a clueless bloke and one that is the redflag list, is the genuinely interested in the girl and the relationship guy will make an effort to adjust according to what she needs.

If she needs a guy who will communicate, be social, show affection - a closed up "I won't budge" aspie would be a bad match. It really wouldn't be too hard to do the research and become an expert in "what makes the girl happy", and do some of these things because you would like her to be happy with you. At the same time you can teach her about what makes you happy and that when you do the things that bug her it doesn't mean you don't care about her. But you'd better learn some way of letting her know on a regular basis that you do care.

Most aspie blokes who are dating do make an effort at the start, and then when they get all comfortable (or married) - they stop - there's definitely a dishonesty in that.

My Grandfather (and possibly my Great Grandfather) - I'd rate in the jerk - aspie realm. My dad - also clueless but he tried as best he could and made a real effort his entire life to show his affection and love to his whole family. So he'd be a good aspie to have a relationship with.

Of course if you get two aspies together it can get very interesting, but can be really tough on the children who don't get told they're loved and welcome.

A few of those 'red flags' are simple aspie traits.
People misinterpret reasons.
They would assume that reason.
When you ask him why he's so quiet, he says, "I only say what needs to be said."
Well, In that scenario I'd say something similiar.
"Some people talk because they have to say something, I talk because I have something to say"
OR
"Dunno"
He doesn't like to go to social places
Again, I don't - but because it's tiring.
There's not a lot of people in this world I let into my life."
What? I'm supposed to lie?
He mentions how he has a high IQ, and not many people "understand him."
I do have a high IQ. Not many people understand me.
If they ask me a question, I'll tell them the truth.
When you ask him why he doesn't open up about his emotions, he says, "I'm a machine. I'm programmed not to feel."
I would probably say something similiar if I didn't want to go into a long explanitation.

wonder why he has such a strong connection to certain things, yet emotionally he's aloof.
Again, I do and am.

When you call him out on his s**t, he playfully says, "I'm clueless!"
I generally am clueless.

If you ever once, just for one second, see a frightening, mad, staring-eyed look on his face that isn’t the result of something at least as horrifying as him having just been bitten by a venomous snake (i.e if you’ve just suggested you both visit some friends of yours) then no matter how fleeting it was or how deeply you think you care for him, either run for the hills or change the locks (depending on whose house it is). Ignore this one and it could cost you your life.
Fight-or flight response.

I won't go any further but all in all, I think we can come off as jerks when we're really just clueless.

It depends who says it. I have seen claims anywhere from 70 to 95%. It is ridiculous to claim that body language is the primary method that humans use to communciate.

For example, here is an article which absurdly claims 95%:



Yes, it is hard to swallow because it is clearly false. Body language certainly has significance, but it is NOT the primary method of human communication -- that should be obvious.

Changing her body language might help Fiz a little bit, but I think she needs to do much more than just that. Probing a person with some careful questions is a good idea -- do not just accept them at face value, ask them questions and evaluate them. Personally, I would prefer to just accept people at face value and assume they are good until proven otherwise, but that does not work in this world. In this world it is necessary to start evaluating people from the moment you meet them -- as a matter of self-protection. Being a little bit suspicious of new people is probably a good thing too (provided it is not excessive).

And then if they actually commit acts of jerkery, three strikes and they are out. Any more than that is probably being excessively tolerant (depending on the particular circumstances ofcourse). That said, it may be a good idea to discuss a persons behavior with them, because sometimes people do jerky things that are genuinely inadvertent. But if they continue committing acts of jerkery, they really should only be given a small number of chances.

I also think that in this world, people need to have a mental shield to protect themselves. The mental shield is slowly lowered for friends as you learn more about them and evaluate them over time and determine whether or not they are a jerk. Being completely open to begin with or quickly is a good way to be hurt. Do not let people inside the castle until you are reasonably confident (via your observation and analysis) that they are not a jerk.

Some of you seem to have picked up on a few of my character traits from reading previous other posts of mine on this site.

I will be honest here (otherwise how do I expect people to help me), I am too trusting and I need to toughen up a bit. Its only when I get hurt that I lay the boundaries down, apart from when it comes to a romantic relationship it would seem now. I like to know where I stand and I find that a lot of people aren't really prepared to be straight with me. I used to let people in way too quickly but I haven't had a relationship now for two years and for the past year or so I have made no attempt to have one. It is more friendships that I seem to have trouble with at the moment or if there is a slight glimmer of a relationship possibility. I recently discovered that some of my friends aren't what I thought they were (bearing in mind my lack of ability to sort people and that fact that I'm too trusting and think that everyone is nice), in that they are not true friends. I'm sure a lot of you have read my past posts on those. I'm still quite angry about it and am reluctant to make anymore at the moment as I lack the ability to distinguish good and bad people very well until I get hurt, maybe this is an aspie trait? I don't know.

I thank you all again for all the advice in here, you have all been very helpful.

Non-verbal communication is very important... those who don't understand, try looking at yourself in the mirror and think of a very depressing moment in your life and recall that emotion and feel it through your body, the think of a really happy moment that makes you feel warm all over and puts a huge smile on your face.

If you have a webcam, record yourself in front of the computer while you read something that gets you animated and emotional, from happy to sad, to angry. You'll see what you project, the fact is many aspies are "disconnected" or "unaware" how they project their body language, not all are, but many... if you took them to a social event and recorded them while they were there and played it back to them, even they would think they were projecting some type of image, good or bad.

You are constantly sending signals about your internal state to the outside world through your body language.

Many AS people are

-timid
-meek
-shy
-anxious
-filled with fear

And all as*holes and bullies can see this and immediately know you are an easy target for them.

Sorry for assuming again Fiz. I should stop that.

and animals. one more thing, get to know them before you give out your number or address, just a few days. If you find out they are jerks after you give them your number they may never stop calling.

Fiz, I think it's really cool you can let yourself be vulnerable to people still. It's something that a lot of people like us seem to have trouble with, myself included. But you also need to modulate that vulnerability, to protect yourself from as*holes.

You don't really need a lot of social skills to do that though. You can work out for yourself in your head whether or not a person is trustworthy, by weighing up the pros and cons of a person, over an extended period of time. In fact, time is probably the most important thing here. Most people will try to impress with first impressions, and it's only later on that their true colours shine.

Don't become too disappointed in yourself if you can't manage to cut off an as*hole before you get hurt. Nobody is a perfect judge of character.

I quite agree EMP, But I find most people at large make statements based on an over exageration of their emotions, or they make statements and expect you to parrot back an affirmation of it so that they can allow themselves to believe it too. Gah.

I dont at all expect a few toe wiggles to work miracles; in anycase, Fiz seems to just need an edge. My person preference seems to be for warning signals; assessment techniques might work just as well. I'd just rather not deal with people..

In anycase, I dont think you could say 10%, 50%, 90% or any numbers. Its like two roads traveling side by side. Two channels of communication at once. The real fallacy is that a sentence is 1/2(or whatever) nonverbal. Its really two sentences being spoken at once.

I think that is a good attitude. But be careful, even a good thing can become bad if you take it too far.


Yes, I find that too, I think it is commonplace. Although it is not always because they have malevolent intentions -- sometimes they are still evaluating you and are not yet sure what they think of you.


That is going from one extreme to the other. It is important to find a balance, otherwise you continue to be a victim just in a different way.


I am guessing that it is more a case of not thinking about it, than lacking the ability. Sometimes I will just not even think about something that really I should be thinking about. Particularly if it is something that I would prefer to not need to think about. So you probably do not lack the ability, rather you just need to train yourself into thinking about things that are necessary for your protection, and thinking about them at appropriate times. i.e. not leaving this necessary thinking until you are hurt -- start thinking about it from the beginning.

as*holes will have a go at you even if you are displaying normal or neutral body language.

OK if you have really aggressive body language, that may be substantially helpful in reducing the frequency of attempts on you by as*holes, but it is not an appropriate solution for Fiz, because as phoenixjsu said, she could drive away a lot of people she might actually want around.

Developing jerk radar?

Well socially savvy guys are smooth, especially ones that find you attractive. Next: You need to define for us what you consider a jerk.

I was making a general comment in response to the % body language posts, I should have quoted.

Well if your looking to avoid jerks/morons and people who have monobrows I would do the simple thing first and move away from the Manchester area. I think that would solve half your life problems from what I gather about Manchester.