any aspie's over 50

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I really loved working in clinical chemistry. My social impairment ultimately killed it. I have since been volunteering for the Food Bank. It is very difficult for me greeting people and signing them in but I'm good with the logistics and I only deal with the customers for about 3 hours. The rest is spent stocking shelves and getting things ready for people in need. Our number of clients have almost doubled in the last few months. I feel so fortunate that my husband still has a job and we can pay our bills.

Basically, the friendships I do have are with people that have a lot more problems than I do (I'm a good listener). But I try not to see them too much since it overloads me. I basically have no one to talk to about my issues except my husband and I don't want to overload him with it. I depend on my psychologist in that area.

I'd love to go back to work but I just can't deal with people. It drains me so much emotionally and mentally. Before I got on lamotrigine I would have panic attacks after even the few hours I see people at the food bank. It sucks.

And there might be a supervisor, just a little bit of power kind of likes lording over other people. Or, someone who sincerely aspires to do a good job and somewhat micromanages. Plus, I suspect it's intense working with clients and trying to solve immediate, direct, palpable problems, and then all of a sudden the interaction is at an end and that can be awkward (or the pauses in which I might feel the need to do something, instead of just letting a pause be a pause).

Point is, I don't think there's anything "easy" about this job at the Food Bank, and the fact that it's unpaid is almost incidental. Plus, I don't think it has the potential upside of H&R Block where at times I felt I really could exercise professional judgement of how far to push the envelope on a client's behalf, plus a real human conversation, plus at times technically difficult (that, in spite of all the corporate stuff, which at times was like hiking through molasses and a bunch of busy work). For example, I was very proud that I got better and better and better at Earned Income Credit which was awfully important to a whole lot of clients.

Sure, sometimes I wish I was entirely 'normal,' but then I think, how boring to be oh so satisfied and nonthinking and unreflective about esp. with some conventional, goody-two shoes, corporate-type job (and sure that's probably an unfair generalization of 'normal' people). Mostly, I guess when I'm in a more flowing state of mind, I want to stay the way I am and add some skills.

The person who told you about the band being over may have been wrong, or he or she may have been rude, insulting to cover up their embarrassment about the situation, in part probably that they didn't tell you and other people early, in part that it was an awkward drift rather than a more conscious decision to take a pause in a mature kind of way. That is, this person has patchy social skills!

Aardvarkgoodswimmer said: ( I don't know why this doesn't show up as a quote)?

"Sure, sometimes I wish I was entirely 'normal,' but then I think, how boring to be oh so satisfied and nonthinking and unreflective about esp. with some conventional, goody-two shoes, corporate-type job (and sure that's probably an unfair generalization of 'normal' people). Mostly, I guess when I'm in a more flowing state of mind, I want to stay the way I am and add some skills.

The person who told you about the band being over may have been wrong, or he or she may have been rude, insulting to cover up their embarrassment about the situation, in part probably that they didn't tell you and other people early, in part that it was an awkward drift rather than a more conscious decision to take a pause in a mature kind of way. That is, this person has patchy social skills![/quote]"

Me: (itw):
Yes, I sometimes wish I was 'entirely normal'. And being treated rudely can happen a lot. I just think NT's don't realize there are people that are just crappy at social interactions. I sometimes experience rudeness or an awkward silence after I say something. The director of the Food Bank snatched me from filling bags of groceries to work with the people and the logistics part of it. After a while, she took me aside and told me I need to ask people how they are doing and, of course, look them in the eyes. I make a conscious effort to do that now but it's scripted. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I don't know how to handle it. That is the biggest source of my anxiety.
Anyway, when I get down (or even scared) of having my problems in dealing with society about my aspergers, I recite the positive things I have. That helps. I do have a unique way of seeing things.

Thanks for your comments and advice. Apparently though I didn't make myself clear enough. Nobody told me that the band I was in was over. I finally figured it out by myself. What I'm saying is that the bass player had probably been sending me non-verbal social cues for months and because of my Asperger's I wasn't reading them. He may have been confused or upset at a subconscious level why I wasn't reacting to his non-verbal signals, which may be why he was finally so blatantly and obviously rude to me with words that even I finally understood.

I agree he may have patchy social skills. However, this is not the first time where I've realized with hindsight that a relationship I'd been in actually ended a long time before I knew it was over. I keep hoping that I can learn something to keep this from happening again. The most recent but not only such time before this was about seven years ago. I met what I thought was a girlfriend in 1995. My relationship with her was basically over by 1999, but it was 2003 before I was forced to realize it had ended years before. I had thought with all my life experience and studies of zen the past seven years that maybe I was approximating normal social relations, but nope. What happened two Fridays ago felt like slamming my head into a brick wall, again. I was shocked and surprised, then hurt and disappointed, bitter, angry, confused but mainly sad.

The good news is that since I had thought I was in a band about to happen, I practiced guitar and singing a lot more than I might have otherwise, and I currently play guitar and especially sing much better than ever before as a result of all that practice and life experience. A few months ago something clicked in my head, some switch or something, where my singing comes out more spontaneously than ever before, less self-consciously, with a richer deeper tone and more in tune too. If not for all the jam sessions I had with that bass player, and the many extra hours I practiced by myself without him this past year, that might not have happened. All I need now is to get recorded before my talents fade.

I suspect some people will respond with the normal social back and forth. 'I'm doing fine this morning. I'm blessed. How are you doing?' And other people, maybe because of the context, and perhaps also because of loneliness and the need to talk to someone will go more in depth. So I think this will be an across-the-board pretty challenging situation at the Food Bank.

Bicycling Guitarist, yeah, I think the situation with potential romantic relationships. My first kind of girlfriend as an adult, I think I was more into her than she was into me. And it hurts to acknowledge that to myself. Another girlfriend was way into me, and I just wasn't in a place in my life. I should have been honest in medium steps, that I need time, that I need a lot of space. And I wasn't, and I think I hurt her and I really, really didn't want to.

The ex- from 1995-2003 started dropping hints in 1999 that we should split, and the hints became more blunt escalating to physical violence against me (nothing severe but hurtful) as the years went by. I would have left sooner except that we had a child together and that child and I are very close. I wanted our family to stay together, but obviously things don't always work out the way one hopes. My best efforts sometimes backfired and my motives were questioned. I am SO used to being misunderstood by others even as I realize I usually don't understand them either!

The most recent incident was similar in some ways. To stretch an analogy, the band was something I was emotionally invested in, similar to the family in the earlier incident. If we didn't have a band together (as in earlier if my ex- and I hadn't had a child together), I would have left sooner. The opposite sometimes happens to me too. There have been times in my life (usually when I was much younger) when people (including young women) were trying to connect with me in various ways and I was oblivious to what was going on. At the very least I disappointed them. Some may have been hurt too.

That "wrong planet" description is so fitting for my condition! I have frequently thought of myself as some freak mutation completely different from every other human who has ever lived. Yes I know each of us is unique. Everyone is different, but some are MORE different than others, sometimes a lot more! I read in another WP thread where someone shared a story they wrote about visiting a land where everyone can read minds, and how much difficulty that person had because those people couldn't understand why that person couldn't read minds. I've even suspected sometimes that everyone else can read minds, including mine, but I only catch snippets of their thoughts once in a while.

I totally relate to not picking up non-verbal social cues. A lot of times I don't see them or I misinterpret them. I have been married almost 22 years and before we realized I had Apergers we had major upsets. One time we separated for 7 months and then went to Retrouvaille (it means 'rediscovery') where we learned to listen, forgive resolve conflict etc. It was awesome (it went on for 10 weeks). Anyway, now that we know my social impairment, he understands me a lot more and doesn't get upset when I'm constantly asking him what he means when he does something or when I ask what he's feeling all the time. This has taught me a lot.

I hope you do well on your musical aspirations.

Yes, I feel really bad about their hardships but when they start unloading, It makes me nervous because I have a hard time dealing with it. So, I definitely do the social back and forth. I have scripts in my head of what to say to help them. With my husband, though, I can ask him a lot of questions about his feelings and body language. That kind of freaks people out if I do that with people who don't know me. There is a Russian guy who comes in who may have aspergers or he's just not familiar with our culture (I suspect it's our culture). My oldest son is taking russian in college and I told Andre that russian was kicking my sons butt. He asked "what does it mean 'kicking his butt'". I stumbled on that because I have a hard time conveying things, so I said that he's struggling in it and then he understood.

I'm over 50 and diagnosed in my late 30s.

I agree that it gets more difficult with age. But maybe it was easier when I had children at home (1 is aspie, 2 are very sociable NTs) and I was obliged to be out more socially.

I'm really struggling with meeting people in a new town where I came for work. I regret coming here. As long as I have work-type activities I do okay. That is the only arena that I have developed social skills in.

For me my kid's activities were hard for me due to my social impairment. They are very extroverted NT's. One's in college and the other is 16. I'm realizing right now that it will be hard when they are both gone. My husband's a very extroverted NT also. So i suppose he'll keep me out there socially.

You're lucky that you do well at work socially. That's what stressed me out the most. I had to be there. I couldn't just leave when it was getting to me.

Since you do Ok at work, maybe you could get together with co-workers and meet new people that way?

I turned 50 in June. I feel fortunate that I was born in a small town in a time that did not overwhelm my senses. Although all my senses seemed heightened, touch was the only one that gave me problems. I went to small local schools and colleges and was around people that accepted my eccentricities, that I knew for many years. I was then lucky to work at a military installation for 23 years. Although I rarely maintained friendships away from work; there were many people I worked with that made me feel connected to the world.

When computers came along I was able to excel, and I became the right hand man to my supervisors. After my supervisors retired, I was pushed into higher level positions, eventually supervising 31 people. Although I felt comfortable with my work, I had an extremely hard time understanding and adapting to the fact that most people did not have the same intensity and drive that I developed to survive.

Eventually my adrenaline seemed to get stuck in the on position and my experience of light, sound, touch, and smell became a painful torture. I had to medically retire, and while I loved being around people, it increases my sensory pain to be around people now; even my family, who I desperately love. I am fortunate my wife has stayed by my side.

I wonder if other people our age find themselves sliding down the Autism Spectrum. I did not meet any functioning people with sensory issues until I reached my mid forties. My only experience or observation of it, until that point, was my own issue with touch and the movie "Rainman".

While I've heard many of the young people on the forums talk about sensory issues, it seems like social, anxiety, and depression issues are more prevalent with older functioning people with Aspergers. Do any of you have sensory issues? Have they gotten worse with age, advancing technology, and accumulated stress. And if so, have you found effective ways to deal with it?

Thanks.

I have met up with "the gang" outside of work three times. I (and they) have found that my limited special interests (work) are, well... limiting.

I am trying to ask questions that seem related to their interests (I was told this can be an effective means of conversation - getting them to talk about themselves). It kind of works. I often feel like an interviewer, though. Maybe that is normal, though, when getting to know people.

" I couldn't just leave when it was getting to me."
That would be tough the part of not being able to get away when you're feeling overwhelmed at work. I have a job where I can duck into a quiet place when I need to decompress. However, my little hideaway is being taking away (not out of meanness - the company just needs the space for something else) and I am looking for another quiet corner.

Best wishes to you.

I worked as the assistant chemistry supervisor for many years. I did the technical end of it and I loved it, but when it came to taking over as supervisor because she retired, it was too much. That was because before, I would work long hours on the weekend with hardly anyone there and only one day during the week when it's busy and noisy. In becoming the full supervisor I not only had to deal with the employees, but the noise and co-workers always being in my space. I basically had a breakdown and retired. That was 2 years ago and I'm finally at peace with it. But I still have a tough time being around people. My husband and I have had our problems but he has seen me through these difficulties and accepts me as I am. I feel blessed.

So, basically, in answer to your question, I have a lot of sensory issues and they seem to be getting worse with age. The anxiety and depression that comes with this can be unbearable but my med's help. I know that I will have these problems all my life but I tell myself that's ok. I take 1 step at a time and try to keep busy. I exercise at least 5 hrs/week, sometimes more. That helps. My volunteer works helps in the fact that I feel like I am contributing something. My family have been a godsend. They're all NT's but my asperger's has shown them to accept others more than they would otherwise. Therefore, they are blessed too.