Hope you can help me understand my friend....

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I have to disagree with your conclussion and your suggested method.I think the objective is to decide if the friendship is woth maintaining in its current form....I think people trying to change others to get their own needs met are not only ineffective but damaging to both individuals.This is not meant as a scientific debate but simply the expression of "my" world view based on "my" perceptions of past experiences...ie...completely subjective...

What you are actually doing is to taking a conciliatory tone in attempting to discourage marshmallow out of even trying.

Perhaps cost/benefits, risk assessment and feasibility should all remain an open question, debatable and entirely permissible.

i think that krex has a valid point.

marshmallow, would it not be a possiblity to accept that at times your friend may just not feel like communicating, and leave it at that? try not to take it personally if he ignores your attempts at contact, as i am sure this is not a personal sleight against you. it seems that your relationship is worth pursuing, so perhaps just accept him as he is, shortcomings and all.

What ever happened to direct openness and Aspie candor?

it is evident in marshmallow's friend's actions. her problem has arisen as a result of her friend's directness. perhaps not in word, but certainly in deed.

Does not directness deserve the respect of like in kind?

i'm not sure i understand your line of thought here. i am suggesting that marshmallow's friend is exhibiting his directness via his refusal to communicate when he so desires.

can you elucidate?

marshmallow could show the respect of returning honesty in kind, by expressing and explaining his own discontent.

Hi thanks for taking the time to post on this thread. Actually I am female and my friend is male.
Im not sure if that complicates the situation although I hope it doesnt.
As I get to know my friend, which I hope will be a long and enlightening journey, I can accept his ways more and more. I would never wish to change him, or even try, I have too much respect for him, and the human race.
I appreciate hearing about how you all manage the balance in friendships, I think my friend suits me also because I am pretty sure he wont just drop by or be demanding!
I love this site, you all speak so much sense, thanks.

Has it occurred to you how one fine day when any of this finally come to light for him, how angry and humiliated and patronized he'll feel how you've been beating round the bush?

Then again, perhaps the real problem is the choice of non demanding relationship whereof you speak, the distance that you yourself keep. Perhaps that is what you are really agonizing about, the high price for an illusion of emotional safety.

Hi Aaron I take what you say on board and I hope that wont be the case. I think my friend and myself have a pretty good understanding, I mean he knows I make allowances for his ways.
Its true, that sounds really patronising, but I hope he would make allowances for mine too, in the same way that all us humans on this planet make allowances for each other.
I dont see his aspieness as an obstacle or something to patronise, but rather something to learn about and even celebrate, I mean its part of his makeup, but only part of it.
Even when I say that, 'learn about', and 'celebrate', it sounds like something out of a leaflet, yuk.
Its hard finding the right words but I just love sharing stuff with him, hes genuine.
you're an intelligent guy Aaron, thanks.

Marshmallow, I agree with the others who have said that if this guy keeps hanging out with you, that is all you need to know he welcomes your friendship.

Don't read too much into the fact he doesn't always respond to your communications. I can be really bad about responding myself, for a variety of reasons; and the long-term friendships I have are all with people who have continued to keep in touch with me, even when I haven't always responded. I feel touched and grateful that they made the effort, and your friend probably will feel the same.

Hmmm. I don't know what to say.

marshmallow, it is somewhat ironic how you appeal to you own nature in suport of suppressing your own impulse to self-expression. And this is something of a red herring. The simple truth is that you love a man and wish to reach out to him to pay a little more attention to you. But as you finally let slip, you also fear the demands of a closer relationship. And so, you project your own inner conflict onto concern for his emotional fragility. And I begin to suspect that he would fuss a lot less than you are, where he only consulted in the matter.

AaronAgassi, you have hit the nail on the head.

Thanks juliekitty for that reassurance. Even if i feel I have to practically drag him to places, I think and hope he enjoys the experience!