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REW
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08 Aug 2011, 3:43 pm

I began trying to improve my social skills years before I even heard of asperger's. This concious practice has helped but I am still very awkward. I have had pschologist remark about how "social" and "normal" I seem. This is only after decades of trying very hard.
Social difficulties is in the diagnostic criteria so I would be very surprised to find a naturally social aspie.
I think sensory issues and motor cordination are the causes of poor social skills so I guess someone could have the sensory and motor issues without the social problems.
There are many time when I know the right thing to say but sensory issues and timing get in the way causing the delivery to be off.



acentupleflat
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28 Oct 2011, 6:56 am

Wow that would be awesome to be a socially adept genius :)



Joe90
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30 Oct 2011, 1:02 pm

I don't think finding an Aspie with average social skills is possible. AS is part of Autism, and social difficulties is the core symptom of Autism, just like loss of memory is the core symptom of Dementia: you can't have Dementia without memory problems of some sort. Other symptoms depend on the person, but the core symptom is how the condition is discovered.

If you can be an Aspie without the social difficulty part of it, then anybody out there could be an Aspie. I know I can read body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, emotions, and all those sorts of non-verbal things quite well, and I can also empathise and sympathise, and I am a very good listener and can get what someone is saying before they have even finished, but there are still other areas where I struggle socially, and always will be. I never had any friends at school, I give off weird impressions now, and I'm lucky if I keep friends, so somewhere I must be typically socially awkward. I always will be.


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Mego
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30 Oct 2011, 4:21 pm

Girls tend to avoid me because of this social awkwardness and social men tend to keep me around, but not introduce me to their friends or invite me to events. :cry:

Over the years, its been less but I have also indulged myself in "game" so I have a better understanding of how things work. It doesnt hurt to have a couple of social friends who always have your back. Most of my abilities come from watching them...although I understand it....I have a hard time showing it with my own body language and tone. One good thing about having a great friend with great social abilities is that she always points things out to me.



RobotGreenAlien2
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30 Oct 2011, 9:35 pm

There are no Aspies with no social difficulties. But you can fake facial expressions. Learn to read them
and through lots and lots of work become more comfortable being social. I _strongly_ recommending. How to make friends and influence people. It's an old book but the basic rules don't change. It even has a little section on producing a genuine looking smile. I also recommend "How to talk to anyone" by larry king. Not a huge fan other than the book but he's build and entire career out of small talk.
And practice.



Joe90
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31 Oct 2011, 9:29 am

There is such a thing as being a social Aspie, but not an Aspie without social difficulties of some sort. I've got an Autistic friend, but he's much more social than I ever will be, but that's because he's got a lot more confidence in himself and is good-looking and doesn't give off any impressions that he's a bit odd, and he knows that and so can deal with social situations better. He mixes more with other people who have disabilities (not necessarily all Autistic but have other disabilities what affect their social abilities). He has a much better social life than I do, with a wider circle of friends, and he enjoys being with people. If I ask him if he wants to meet up, he always jumps at the chance. But there still are certain areas he finds difficult. There always will be, he's a diagnosed Autistic person. But he still enjoys social situations. I just don't enjoy them because I've got no confidence, and never will have, and I know people pick up on it.


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marshall
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02 Nov 2011, 3:37 pm

Joe90 wrote:
I don't think finding an Aspie with average social skills is possible. AS is part of Autism, and social difficulties is the core symptom of Autism, just like loss of memory is the core symptom of Dementia: you can't have Dementia without memory problems of some sort. Other symptoms depend on the person, but the core symptom is how the condition is discovered.

If you can be an Aspie without the social difficulty part of it, then anybody out there could be an Aspie. I know I can read body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, emotions, and all those sorts of non-verbal things quite well, and I can also empathise and sympathise, and I am a very good listener and can get what someone is saying before they have even finished, but there are still other areas where I struggle socially, and always will be. I never had any friends at school, I give off weird impressions now, and I'm lucky if I keep friends, so somewhere I must be typically socially awkward. I always will be.


Same here. The problem is not body language or not being able to pick up so-called social cues. It's more a lack of instinctual drive for certain social behavior. I have to consciously force myself to act sociable, participate in small talk, banter, etc... I'm just not naturally inclined to do it. It takes a lot of energy out of me and I don't necessarily get much out of it. I understand it but I still find it hard and draining.



monkees4va
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03 Nov 2011, 5:12 am

I have been 'taught' how to socialise over a period of years by the NHS and my parents. I can do things now I never could have done when I was younger (such as work in politics). I have a group of friends but am still a loner.
Socialisation isn't easy, and it never will be. I use almost a predetermined script in socialising. It seems to work however. I'm still an introvert and terribly shy but I can make friends. Thanks to the tutoring I received growing up I have an idea of what is appropriate and likewise.


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zlonis
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03 Nov 2011, 2:18 pm

I'm socially awkward, sure, but not excessively so at this point. I was diagnosed at a pretty young age (5 I think) shortly after it became a classified disorder. Primary school was hell, I snapped one day and threw a book at my teacher in 4th grade when she yelled at me 8O . High school wasn't great, either, but senior year something "clicked" and I made a small circle of friends and got a girlfriend. I kinda want to get a second diagnosis just to see if I still meet the criteria, because I've been showing progressively fewer symptoms over the last few years. I still have trouble with eye contact, and I still have an obsession (which I'm putting to good use by majoring in it!). Apart from that, IDK.



minervx
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03 Nov 2011, 6:22 pm

There's no such thing as an Aspie without social difficulties.

Let's take that a bit further: there is no such thing as any human being with (at least some) social difficulty.

An Aspie can be superior to an NT socially with time and effort.



PM
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03 Nov 2011, 9:11 pm

The widely accepted definition of Asperger's Syndrome is "An individual with high intelligence and poor social skills."


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LennytheWicked
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03 Nov 2011, 9:54 pm

While it is possible to have a "lot" of friends and still have asperger's, it depends on how you define friends. Obviously someone who tosses the word around will believe themselves to have more friends, but someone who keeps the word sacred knows that the feeling has to be mutual.

For example, my friends are people who I hang out with, feel comfortable talking with, do not feel like I'm making social errors around, and can be stupid/smartassy/whatever else I end up being when I'm being myself without feeling as if I'm doing something wrong. Most of them are also shy kids, misfits, bookworms, art "geeks" (like me), and so on.

Someone who thinks the guy they say "hi" to every day in the hallway but never actually talk to is a friend probably thinks they have a lot of friends.

Having poor social skills, is, as others have said, diagnostic criteria. EVENTUALLY it may be possible to overcome any shortcomings, but for most it's uncomfortable to even attempt.



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03 Nov 2011, 9:58 pm

I can interact just fine, but if a woman hits on me, it goes right over my head. Only later do I realize what I just missed...



Gamarabi
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09 Nov 2011, 10:45 pm

PM wrote:
The widely accepted definition of Asperger's Syndrome is "An individual with high intelligence and poor social skills."


This is why it baffles me why more aspie's don't use their high intelligence to acquire better social skills. That is basically what I did. I made understanding how people think and react one of my focuses (along with architecture and finance). It was by no means a natural thing for me, but once I got the hang of it, I have arguably become BETTER than the NTs at understanding how they feel and think. But this took a bit over a decade and I still try to improve myself at all times, to where I can actually predict what they will do in response to each other before it happens. I am not self diagnosed, but I they did find it diagnose me very young (age 6).

I didn't sacrifice my aspie traits and characteristics either. I'm still an introvert, but I use the aspie characteristics to work on my weakness instead of ignoring them.

I have no more social anxiety around any group than the average NT does at this point. But it is not something that was natural, it was acquired over years. But that also means I can just turn it "off".



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10 Nov 2011, 4:01 am

Gamarabi wrote:
PM wrote:
The widely accepted definition of Asperger's Syndrome is "An individual with high intelligence and poor social skills."


This is why it baffles me why more aspie's don't use their high intelligence to acquire better social skills. That is basically what I did. I made understanding how people think and react one of my focuses (along with architecture and finance). It was by no means a natural thing for me, but once I got the hang of it, I have arguably become BETTER than the NTs at understanding how they feel and think. But this took a bit over a decade and I still try to improve myself at all times, to where I can actually predict what they will do in response to each other before it happens. I am not self diagnosed, but I they did find it diagnose me very young (age 6).


I did use my intelligence to achieve better social skills but its a massive amount of hard work. This took you over a decade, oh boy....I've only been working towards this for about 6 years. I think aspies can use their intellect but then there still is this sense of rigidity, an aspie might still be using a conscious script with social interactions. Its not intuitive and it doesn't flow. Its like an aspie might develop lengthy long lists on social rules and go around consciously adhering to them. I do look forward to the day I can understand people's TOM better then NTs can. I already outsmart NTs with social theory. But its just theory, when put into practice, I lose because NTs still got there natural intuition whereas I got the social cognition of a teen.



Gamarabi
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10 Nov 2011, 7:27 am

Ai_Ling wrote:
Gamarabi wrote:
PM wrote:
The widely accepted definition of Asperger's Syndrome is "An individual with high intelligence and poor social skills."


This is why it baffles me why more aspie's don't use their high intelligence to acquire better social skills. That is basically what I did. I made understanding how people think and react one of my focuses (along with architecture and finance). It was by no means a natural thing for me, but once I got the hang of it, I have arguably become BETTER than the NTs at understanding how they feel and think. But this took a bit over a decade and I still try to improve myself at all times, to where I can actually predict what they will do in response to each other before it happens. I am not self diagnosed, but I they did find it diagnose me very young (age 6).


I did use my intelligence to achieve better social skills but its a massive amount of hard work. This took you over a decade, oh boy....I've only been working towards this for about 6 years. I think aspies can use their intellect but then there still is this sense of rigidity, an aspie might still be using a conscious script with social interactions. Its not intuitive and it doesn't flow. Its like an aspie might develop lengthy long lists on social rules and go around consciously adhering to them. I do look forward to the day I can understand people's TOM better then NTs can. I already outsmart NTs with social theory. But its just theory, when put into practice, I lose because NTs still got there natural intuition whereas I got the social cognition of a teen.


I'm just a couple of years yonger than you, and I know the temptation to just run social skills like a script. I was still like that when I first entered high school. But practice it enough and eventually it will feel nearly natural. And I say 10 years not because it took me it took me 10 years to actually "blend" in with the NTs mostly unnoticed (I did that in about (2-3), but because I find I always want to look for improvement, and I started making understanding and predicting NTs an obsession of sorts about 12 years ago. So at this point, the conversation flows fluently for me as though I'm some car salesman or public speaker, but for me the fun part is in knowing how they respond before they do.

Almost all of my friends are unaware of that I am an aspie, my girlfriend of 3 years, did not learn until about 6 months ago and that was only because she wanted an explanation for how I could understand people so well and learned things so quickly. She knew it wasn't normal how well I figured people out, but never thought there was anything "wrong" with me.