Board index › Coping in life › Social Skills and Making Friends

Can an NT or someone explain this social situation?

Page 2 of 2 [ 32 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2

Previous topic | Next topic

marshall
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,752
Location: Turkey

07 Dec 2011, 7:09 pm

Burnbridge wrote:
marshall wrote:
It also could be that this Scott was joking about feeling left out since you gave a personal goodbye to a select few people sitting in the same general area. [...] It might just be that you did nothing wrong and Scott was simply joking and people were laughing at the situation rather than at you personally.


That seems very plausible, marshall. Good call.

So would the proper response when guy you don't know asks for big public hug be to smile at him and say "not this time, buddy. nice try!"


Most hugs are female-on-female or female-on-male. If a female offers me a hug I'll oblige. If it's a guy I'd feel a little weird.

Seeing as the OP is female, hugging might not be inappropriate. Since I'm a guy it's hard for me to know though. I don't hug anyone unless they put their hands out to hug me. The exception being family members.



abc123
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 26 Aug 2010
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 293
Location: UK

08 Dec 2011, 10:39 am

marshall wrote:
I'd also add that drunkenness can make NTs act inappropriately. They really might have not meant to make you feel uncomfortable and singled out. NTs don't always have perfect social judgement either. Alcohol tends to make them laugh at things that wouldn't otherwise be that funny as well. :shrug:

I agree they could be laughing as drunk. I think there are some good explanations in here. It sounds like you just acted/said something that was slightly unusual. Sometimes AS things can come out as amusing as you point out something that wouldn't occur to NT such as if there is a scooter Steve then there must also be a regular Steve. I deliberately say AS things as they come out as clever observations.



Burnbridge
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Aug 2011
Age: 49
Gender: Male
Posts: 971
Location: Columbus, Ohio

08 Dec 2011, 11:15 am

abc123 wrote:
I deliberately say AS things as they come out as clever observations.


^ yeah! For some reason stating the obvious can be rather "witty." NTs have a lot of filters that they normally use to filter out a lot of glaringly obvious information.

As I recall, when I was a waiter in restaurants, I would typically make a lot more money in tips than my coworkers (I averaged 30%, they would average 15%). I attributed this to the uncountable times when some comment I would make, or my total honesty about the quality of the food, would startle customers out of their filters and for a moment percieve the world as it is instead of as they think it should be. This had a byproduct of humanizing me, reminding them that I was a real live person who was thinking about their needs and taking care of them, instead of a food slinging robot. Sometimes I would get exorbitant tips (50%) with a note that would say "thanks, existential wait-dude!" or something along those lines.


_________________
No dx yet ... AS=171/200,NT=13/200 ... EQ=9/SQ=128 ... AQ=39 ... MB=IntJ


anneurysm
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Mar 2008
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,196
Location: la la land

08 Dec 2011, 4:44 pm

marshall wrote:
It's probably because you said goodbye to each of the hosts by name and hugged them. Maybe that was more than what was necessary. I guess that depends on the culture so it's hard to know. From what I know of parties hugging and saying goodbye to hosts by name isn't necessary. It might be good enough just to smile and thank them, but if they offer a handshake or hug you can oblige.

It also could be that this Scott was joking about feeling left out since you gave a personal goodbye to a select few people sitting in the same general area. Maybe just thanking the hosts and waving a general goodbye to everyone would be considered more appropriate. I really have no idea though.

It might just be that you did nothing wrong and Scott was simply joking and people were laughing at the situation rather than at you personally....

I'd also add that drunkenness can make NTs act inappropriately. They really might have not meant to make you feel uncomfortable and singled out. NTs don't always have perfect social judgement either. Alcohol tends to make them laugh at things that wouldn't otherwise be that funny as well. :shrug:


This makes the most sense. Personal contact such as hugging generallly depends on the level and quality of the interaction you had with each person. I'm not sure if OP talked to everyone throughout the course of the night, but if I didn't spend a lot of quality time with a person, I'd be uncomfortable recieving a hug from them. Of course, this varies from person to person, but generally I don't offer hugs to people unless they offer me one..


_________________
Given a “tentative” diagnosis as a child as I needed services at school for what was later correctly discovered to be a major anxiety disorder.

This misdiagnosis caused me significant stress, which lessened upon finding out the truth about myself from my current and past long-term therapists - that I am an anxious and highly sensitive person but do not have an autism spectrum disorder.

My diagnoses - social anxiety disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I’m no longer involved with the ASD world.


PicnicSupplies
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 6 Dec 2011
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 24
Location: Vermont, USA

08 Dec 2011, 4:58 pm

As I said I only hugged my brother and his girlfriend (the hosts) and by request. I did not hug the steves. Please read my reply posts.



anneurysm
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Mar 2008
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,196
Location: la la land

08 Dec 2011, 6:02 pm

Apologies for the mis-read. I still think much of it was them just joking around though, and laughing *with* you instead of *at* you. I don't think you did anything wrong, it's just that at parties with alcohol people are more inclined to do that sort of stuff.


_________________
Given a “tentative” diagnosis as a child as I needed services at school for what was later correctly discovered to be a major anxiety disorder.

This misdiagnosis caused me significant stress, which lessened upon finding out the truth about myself from my current and past long-term therapists - that I am an anxious and highly sensitive person but do not have an autism spectrum disorder.

My diagnoses - social anxiety disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I’m no longer involved with the ASD world.


withsilverbells
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 7 Dec 2011
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 3

09 Dec 2011, 1:43 am

For when to say goodbye:

NT rules about when to say goodbye are present but flexible. In general, it is appropriate to say goodbye to these people:

1. the host
2. your main social tie(s) to the party/actual friends
3. anyone you rode with
4. anyone you had a 5+ minute conversation with.

You can smile and wave at people who you met but had no notable connection with.

HOWEVER, if an NT is feeling overstimulated or has a headache or something at a casual party, they will (and you can) merely inform their main social tie that they don't feel well and have to go home. If anyone asks where you went after that, your main social connection to these people will make your excuses: "She wasn't feeling too well, maybe a headache" and then everyone will "aww, that's too bad, poor girl."

I want to second what someone else said that NTs will laugh about strange things nonmaliciously, all the time. Everybody has a different sense of humor including you. I don't always get my boyfriend's jokes and he doesn't always get mine. But we love to laugh as I'm sure you do, so we try to see most things as slightly funny. But I have never in my adult life laughed at anyone unless it were in the security of a loving relationship. For example, sometimes I will do something clumsy and make a mess and be full of consternation and embarrassment until my roommate starts laughing good-naturedly that I just made a giant mess or broke yet another wineglass, and then I feel better and see it as funny and we laugh together at life.

Most adults won't laugh at you; most of them have too much experience doing or saying the wrong thing to be so unkind. If adults in a social setting are laughing they probably expect you to join.

Learn to laugh at your own foibles and you will take that power away from anyone else. I didn't learn to laugh at myself till after college and it has made a huge difference in my peace.



rombomb2
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 8 Dec 2011
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 197

12 Dec 2011, 8:31 pm

PicnicSupplies wrote:
Something made them treat this as offensive and I have no idea what I did. I responded by clarifying that I said goodbye to both Scooter Steve and Regular Steve so they didn't feel ignored. Everyone noticed because my volume was loud. I don't know why but they all laughed at me. I asked them why


I'm INTP/aspie.

It is very possible that you misread the situation. Maybe there were not offended. I make these mistakes all the time.

But even if they were in fact offended, I think its best to just say, 'Oops' instead correctly yourself the way you did. Also, it might be best not to analyze the situation right in front of them. This is what they consider weird.

I'm right with you though. I've been having these problems for so long now. I don't know how to say bye. I don't know who to said bye to. I hate the hugs that everyone does. Its so awkward for me. Even the hugs are awkward. I don't know how long they should be. I don't know which side I'm supposed to be on. Its all so weird. I wish we could do away with the whole hugging social thing.



Burnbridge
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Aug 2011
Age: 49
Gender: Male
Posts: 971
Location: Columbus, Ohio

12 Dec 2011, 11:24 pm

rombomb2 wrote:
Also, it might be best not to analyze the situation right in front of them. This is what they consider weird.


I've been "chewed out" a ton of times for "thinking out loud." Also accused of making excuses when I'm reasoning out what went wrong, aloud.


_________________
No dx yet ... AS=171/200,NT=13/200 ... EQ=9/SQ=128 ... AQ=39 ... MB=IntJ


marshall
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,752
Location: Turkey

14 Dec 2011, 1:19 am

Burnbridge wrote:
abc123 wrote:
I deliberately say AS things as they come out as clever observations.


^ yeah! For some reason stating the obvious can be rather "witty." NTs have a lot of filters that they normally use to filter out a lot of glaringly obvious information.

As I recall, when I was a waiter in restaurants, I would typically make a lot more money in tips than my coworkers (I averaged 30%, they would average 15%). I attributed this to the uncountable times when some comment I would make, or my total honesty about the quality of the food, would startle customers out of their filters and for a moment percieve the world as it is instead of as they think it should be. This had a byproduct of humanizing me, reminding them that I was a real live person who was thinking about their needs and taking care of them, instead of a food slinging robot. Sometimes I would get exorbitant tips (50%) with a note that would say "thanks, existential wait-dude!" or something along those lines.


:lol:

Observational humor is the only way I can be "witty". I can't do a funny delivery, but I'll point things out.



marshall
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,752
Location: Turkey

14 Dec 2011, 1:27 am

PicnicSupplies wrote:
As I said I only hugged my brother and his girlfriend (the hosts) and by request. I did not hug the steves. Please read my reply posts.

I guess maybe Steve was just teasing about being left out and that's what everyone was laughing about.



WhiteWidow
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Dec 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 662
Location: Here

14 Dec 2011, 4:49 am

I never say good bye to people unless I know them. I'm not one for social niceties, and I don't think you should do anything you feel uncomfortable with. Even hugging. That just irritates you doesn't it? And stimulates you even more so.



rombomb2
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 8 Dec 2011
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 197

14 Dec 2011, 9:06 am

Burnbridge wrote:
^ yeah! For some reason stating the obvious can be rather "witty." NTs have a lot of filters that they normally use to filter out a lot of glaringly obvious information.

As I recall, when I was a waiter in restaurants, I would typically make a lot more money in tips than my coworkers (I averaged 30%, they would average 15%). I attributed this to the uncountable times when some comment I would make, or my total honesty about the quality of the food, would startle customers out of their filters and for a moment percieve the world as it is instead of as they think it should be. This had a byproduct of humanizing me, reminding them that I was a real live person who was thinking about their needs and taking care of them, instead of a food slinging robot. Sometimes I would get exorbitant tips (50%) with a note that would say "thanks, existential wait-dude!" or something along those lines.


WOW this is exactly the experience I had as a sales person selling cell phones. I wasn't great at building rapport but I was very very honest and it was shocking for them. I would tell people how to check out the competition and how to ask their friends about which carriers they should choose. So I sold well because I was very honest and because I was very knowledgeable about the product.



ral31
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 11 Dec 2011
Age: 61
Gender: Male
Posts: 77
Location: Oklahoma

14 Dec 2011, 3:05 pm

It's possible that Scooter was expressing attraction to you. Sometimes people you have never met before will say things like "Do I know you?" when what they really mean is "I'd like to get to know you." It can serve the purpose of expressing interest in a non threatening way while simultaneously providing material for conversation as you attempt to discover where they might know you from.

It was unfortunate for Scooter that you had a similar interaction with regular Steve right after that. The two conversations seemed very similar even though they had different goals, one seeking commonality, the other to reminisce.

I suspect that Scooter was making one more attempt at expressing interest when he mentioned your failing to say goodbye to him. So, when you included regular Steve in that portion of the goodbyes, everyone thought you were publicly snubbing Scooter. However, your explanation of why you included regular Steve diffused that perception and the laughter allowed the NTs to move past the uncomfortable moment.

I don't know the entire situation, but assuming Scooter is an eligible bachelor, this could be what happened.
It looks like you handled the situation well, no matter which scenario is correct.

I think I'm pretty good at decoding this sort of situation. Unfortunately, the decoding usually happens some time much later after I'm out of the situation. *I edited this slightly to reduce negativity about myself. I'm working on that.



Joe90
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 26,492
Location: UK

15 Dec 2011, 2:15 pm

Were they laughing horribly, or were they just laughing because they thought you were funny in a positive way?


_________________
Female


munch15a
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 16 Nov 2011
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 153

23 Dec 2011, 12:44 am

Were they drunk?

anything can seam funny then