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Avoiding people who obviously like me

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newhealth
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21 Jan 2012, 9:23 pm

I've had this problem for years. It's generally out of a fear of betrayal because I've had unfortunate experiences in the past, and those haven't really made me optimistic about hanging out with people even if they seem cool. I always suspect everyone just wants to take advantage of me and would abandon me at the drop of a hat. I'm pretty sure now that I missed out on some good friendships that way.



Nereid
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24 Jan 2012, 6:04 am

BMctav wrote:
Nereid wrote:
I still hold off on revealing aspergers to most of the world because then on top of being perceived as a weirdo, they'll also perceive you as a handicapped 'tard. Sorry if that offends anyone but when you say Aspergers, people first giggle and then when you tell them what it is,they think it sounds like a handicap.


I'm an NT adult male and recently an adult female at work that I am slowly (over the course of a year) becoming friends with revealed to me that she has aspergers via e-mail.

Your post has struck a chord with me. I am concerned that she might have similar fears that I might perceive her with the prejudices that you worry about - “weirdo”, “’tard” etc. I want to reassure her that her aspergers doesn’t change anything and that I don’t think of her as a “weirdo” etc., but I don’t’ know how to approach her about it or even if I should. Would you consider it patronising to say something? Is it reasonable to assume she does have such concerns about what I think in regards to her disclosure; I think I would feel vulnerable if the roles were reveased? Or do you think it’s even necessary for me to say anything?

Many thanks for any comments.


Well personally, my aspergers is not something I openly share with most people I meet. The fact that she told you after a year and through email would imply that rather than publicly addressing it, perhaps its not necessary to say anything. Just dont start acting "different" around her. Unless you feel you were doing something innapropriate or maybe saying/doing something that someone with aspergers would not enjoy. You sound like a good friend to be so patient and understanding with her.



Nereid
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24 Jan 2012, 6:08 am

newhealth wrote:
I've had this problem for years. It's generally out of a fear of betrayal because I've had unfortunate experiences in the past, and those haven't really made me optimistic about hanging out with people even if they seem cool. I always suspect everyone just wants to take advantage of me and would abandon me at the drop of a hat. I'm pretty sure now that I missed out on some good friendships that way.


unfortunately there are lots of people who will manipulate anyone they can for their own selfish gains. if you dont keep trying though you'll always still be as bad off as you are now. that being said, its always tricky introducing yourself into a situation out of your comfort zone. you could try to go to dating sites that have platonic/just friends areas and perhaps meet people there with similar interests? I always have a much easier time hanging around people who have an interest in activities I already know a lot about. That way, if you love say botany, maybe you can meet a nice botanist and enjoy plant discussion all day.



LordGin
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30 Jan 2012, 8:11 pm

Sorry I haven't responded to any posts for a while, I've been without internet until now. I haven't read anything yet, just letting people know I'm still paying attention to this.



LordGin
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30 Jan 2012, 8:24 pm

First off, I appreciate everybody's comments. It's good to know I'm not some isolated case. I don't know if this will help me, but at the very least it's given me a lot to think about. If anybody's still paying attention to this forum then I will post again soon, but thank you everyone for your very constructive comments.



Nikadee43
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06 Feb 2012, 2:57 pm

Magnus_Rex wrote:
I can relate, too. But I am not sure if I want to socialize or not: when I am alone, I feel lonely. When I talk to somebody, I want to be left alone. Although I am always concerned about saying or doing something stupid (it always happens), I do not think that it is the only reason.


This is how I've always felt. It's such a strange contradiction that I have no clue how to deal with. For the most part, I'd say I generally want to be left alone. However, when I want to talk to someone but no one wants to talk to me (could be because they're busy or need they're own alone time) it bothers me. It seems so selfish to me, but those are my exact feelings. There are times where I'll avoid hanging out with certain friends because I don't feel like I fit in with them, even though they are reaching out to me. Until now, I never thought of it as a form of anxiety or fear (however small).



richardbenson
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14 Feb 2012, 2:28 pm

ahh, ahhh. friend sabatoge, I practice it all the damn time. its like a secret file i have to go find these days because it doesnt get much play now but in the past, ohhh baby! :pig:

people scare me.

do I want a friend? of course. but then if it actually happend i'd have to commit: friend sabatoge


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LordGin
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14 Feb 2012, 6:16 pm

Hahaha, fear of committing to friendship with someone might be somewhere in the core of the problem! I notice that I have had problems with that in the past. Anyways, it seems like this is no longer going to be a problem (for now). I've moved a city over and have pretty much ceased all communication with the people I was having problems with. Kind of disappointed at myself, I was really starting to branch out and make lots of friends it seemed. Now I stay in the house hanging out with the same two roommates every day.