am i a creep or what?

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I think the difference between us and them; we're trained to look at ourselves immediately, and in a sense we have to in self-preservation. Regardless though its good to remember that, as frustrating as it is, our approach to self and these scenarios is special case and that does make up part of the difference in how it registers.


I'm learning for myself that there's just no hope. My expressions and presentations are so creepy often that, I can literally do no right. Tonight for example, with class getting together I said something to my instructor about the weather "Nice day, isn't it?" - I had to repeat myself three times, the third time painfully enunciating it, the fact that I even needed to do that made the whole room uncomfortable, the fact that at times when parts of my brain starts running low my face gets closer to being a mask; I too am forced to realize, often, that part of why I have problems with social communication - FAR more so I think than any social knowledge issue, is that I literally cannot say and do the same things other people do and get the right reaction, and there's nothing I can do about it - now and likely ever.


Be careful with that as well; as in yes, that's the general idea but at the same time, regardless of how much you tell yourself that, emotions are still emotions and there will be plenty of times where you feel like you're getting hit in the face with stamps (ie. loads of central themes in your life hitting you at once); you need to be able to forgive yourself for not being able to stop that from happening. The good news - I think it does get easier but, I think it takes accepting both your own limits and then what those limits mean in relationship to society. I still have friends who are big motorcross, extreme sports junky type guys who while they realize I'm different may never let go of expecting that - since they see me as a cool guy - that I should have everything that they do from the world. Its incredibly tough to explain to other people who haven't been through it in the same manner that you're literally trapped, that anything they try to suggest you should be doing is really in order to chase the hypothetical and imaginary (women seems to be the central thing here).

Lol, sorry if I rambled a bit. I think this is like anything else though. It sucks, like hell, but it seems like something people get better at with age and I have to admit, between now and ten years ago I'm night and day in that regard (still not saying a lot but, hopefully in another ten years I can be even more well-adjusted and less neurotic about my lot in life). Its tough but, I think it gets easier once you have the space, away from other crowding-out influences and peer pressure, to keep it in mind more often than not that this is ultimately about survival and, the quality of your own survival after a certain point has to take precedence over the 'should's that people will try to beat you over the head with all day long.

i can appreciate what people are saying about not exclusively blaming yourself for situations like that. there's a lot of truth to that, and it surely isn't constructive to do that to yourself. yet, at the same time, i can really only change myself. also, i think it ultimately says something about ME if i consistently encounter this sort of situation. maybe it sounds horrible, but really this is rome, and when in rome.. unless you think to conquer rome. maybe someone should, but i doubt it's going to be me.

as to what you're saying about there being no hope... perhaps we change so agonizingly slow that it's as well to say there's no hope. one of the frustrations i cited was my age relative to how immature i feel inside.. that's just another way of saying this rate of development is way too fücking slow.. ehh.. i have no answers for that, of course. no immediate remedy, that is to say. and don't worry about rambling. i think i everything i say ends up being rambling unless i cut myself very short.