Going from "acquaintance" to "friend"
Infoseeker
Deinonychus
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Joined: 6 Mar 2011
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 359
Location: Metro Detroit area, MI, US
I don't do this. I look at person and see who they are, and then I talk to them. Rather than talking about stuff with them. You'll be crap at that because you won't know how to layer in the personal subtext that NTs do. So don't bother, just talk directly to people. Say what you feel, and if you feel nothing then accept that you won't be friends. Don't fake it. Most people have issues that make them scared to be anything but acquaintances. That's their business, leave them to it.
Friends are people you play with. If you want to play with someone and they don't want to, you won't be friends. If you don't want to play with someone, you won't be friends. You have to both want it.
Thank you. I feel like I need to be more accepting of non-sparking people 'just aren't going to be my friend'. Though often I feel like 'If only I said the right thing...and the right dice would fall into place" and then I don't want to give up. How is it that I am almost incompatible to anyone in my college Bboy club; still acquaintances after a year. There is one quite type guy that almost says nothing but always people turn their attention to him with no effort from him and give a quick cute/witty comment about his day; then he is always invited to hang out or go together with them for lunch on-campus. I don't know what I do wrong. Unless, he was just fortunate enough to be among some of the friends there coming-together from high-school or family (since he is among a larger group of an ethnicity in the club).
There is another person in the club that is obviously with High-functioning autism like me. He is majorly less adapted in helping cope with his symptoms then me; his interactions with everyone help keep myself further in check too. And yet, like him, I am neglected from group events. I can't tolerate him either because he tires me out; and I worry greatly if he can see it on me; I don't want to hurt his confidence he has during his never-ending conversations.
I as for the group I do put an effort. Sometimes it is more obvious when i can ninja myself in going with the 'group'; I can tell when they are heading and not take individual account of who's going. Otherwise, if I try to invite myself to go I can read some pretty obvious awkward reactions.
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Age: 27
I also don't know how to make that transition for acquaintance to friend. There are people I'm "friendly" with - I see them at a regular, scheduled activity that we share. I feel that I've made some progress there and they don't mind me hanging around with them afterwards, but nobody would really care one way or the other. If there's a wide-open group event being set up on Facebook I'll sometimes get an invite and sometimes not.
Of course, I realise that I never invite anyone anywhere, either, but I just don't know how that would work! Inviting a single person to do something (what?) seems a bit too "forward" somehow and I don't have an established circle of friends that I could ask them to join in with. So it's almost like you need to have friends before you can make any.
I agree with all of this. The only true unconditional love and loyalty is that which I share with my beautiful animal companions.
Ah, the question I was so often troubled with as a shy kid and teenager. How do you become actual friends with that nice girl from your math class, not just have a casual "hi and bye" friendship? I used to think that you can become close with people just by seeing them on a regular basis and gradually starting to talk about more personal things. However, that is totally FALSE. The way you turn acquaintances into friends is by asking them to get coffee or lunch with you. Then, only then, can you see how you get along and whether you're interested in each other on more than a superficial level. If you have nice conversations and seem to click well, that person just may be friend material. Good luck!
Great advice so far everyone, I really appreciate all the input!
Yeah that's pretty much how I feel about it too, I would say it's the main thing that holds me back in terms of inviting people out.
I think this is what I keep hoping for: something that tells me the NT Secret Handshake or something.
I think I also freak because I don't know how to tell it's NOT working, except that they just stop wanting to do anything with you any more. Which is a real downer when you don't realize what's happening until it's humiliating.
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I would rather have my liver pecked out by a giant crow than spend a day at the mall. But I'd pay money to see a giant crow eat a mall.
Your Aspie score: 155 of 200 * Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 49 of 200 * You are very likely an Aspie
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