Does aspergers get harder as you get older?

Post Reply New Topic

Yes, I think it can. When you're a child, people don't expect much out of you. If a child is shy and shows it, people just gaze at them and sympathetically go, ''aww, he/she's shy'', and they just look up at you with a nervous look, biting their fingers or something. When I appear shy at social situations, I just get criticised and people commenting to eachother on how quiet I am - instead of just coming up to me and trying to engage in small talk, which might then get me talking.

Also kids can get away with breaking social rules. When I was last at a party, one of the people there had a 5-year-old girl, who (as far as I know) was NT, and at the food table she just went to reach out her hand to grab a handful of crisps, and her mum was like, ''no, you don't just do that - you go and get a plate'', and the child was like, ''but you said to help myself!'' And the adults just smiled and went, ''awwww, how cute''. If that was me who done that (luckily I'm socially smart enough to know not to by now), people would just look at me and go, ''urgh, she's gross'' or, ''she's rude'', or, ''what's wrong with that girl? Why hasn't she got a plate like everybody else?''

Even younger teenagers have it a little easier than adults. I know teenagers are expected to be more social because they're not so much little kids any more, it is quite common for teenagers to appear grouchy or surly or aloof, and people just go, ''oh, he/she's just at that awkward age'', but if I was like that at a social situation, people would be like, ''why don't you smile more?'' or, ''are you all right?'' or my mum would just roll her eyes and go, ''tsk, she shouldn't be acting like a sulky teenager now that she's 22. She should learn to join in and socialise with other adults.''

social skills can be learned
but as i know its hard and the longer you can't keep up the worse it gets

That's of course true. If you can't learn at the same rate than others then you lack behind.

But, as I said already earlier, if you are my age there is not so much learning anymore with NTs, you will be able to come closer again.
It is entirely up to the amount of work you want and can invest in it, when you are able to get closer.

Maybe you won't but there is a good chance that you will, even if you are not too devoted, there is always some kind of progress of adaption.

But the intensity you focus on that is I guess totally personally dependent. A golden middle-way for your self has to be found.
Too much makes you mad, but too little will make it worse because of the Nts around you learning.

That's what quite often is also referred to that many aspies at older age are able to close that gap
such that it is difficult to get a diagnosis for adult aspies, due to their I would say "sometimes fantastic coping skills"

Some aspies, with mild sytems though, are able to keep track with people of same age and they might even perceive themselves as pretty normal,
especially women.

Anxiety, not to fit in, will prevent also some development, especially if you isolate yourself.

That's why I think most important is to go out and try, again and again and again and another-time again. And to try not to take your failures too personally.
Balance yourself with that how others perceive you and what is on that basis necessary to change.

Well and...

I don't know if conversations are always so important. NTs either sometimes don't know what to say. You can still enjoy being around with people (at least I do, even if I might sometimes not know what to say).

There is nothing you have to say.
They can also start the communication.

I quite often ask also something like "how is it going?". And then they either tell it or they answer something that doesn't mean anything (they don't want to tell).
Quite often I use also that kind of smalltalk stuff when I don't want to tell either, but somehow differently and there is some kind of hint there almost always.

And if you can't say anything when somebody talks to you it is better to say that you have a bad day and just don't know for the moment what to answer. Or just say whatever. Or "I don't know"

Well, and maybe your interests are so much different than others. Then that kind of not getting any meaningful conversation is perfectly normal.
i have btw sometimes same problem at my work where the majority is 10 years or so younger than me.... But this strongly depends on my mood if I am interested to talk or not.

And try to find out the things they won't tell you if you realize some. There is lots of them that are not explicitly said and quite many are contradictory as well or don't make any logic sense. Codes have to be broken by us before some new intermediate world opens up.

Last edited by onks on 14 Aug 2012, 8:35 am, edited 4 times in total.

To be honest i'm 20 now and for me it feels like things are slowly becoming easier, there's still a lot of things i'm not content with and probably never will be, but i could have been off a lot worse like i was about 2 years ago.

Yes and No.

In some ways, I've hit that Philosophical Thinking thing that Attwood mentions in the big aspie book. I've accumulated a ton of compensatory mechanisms, and I've read enough about motivations and body language and psychology that I can sit in my little room and theorize about social behavior and give sage advice about people and their interactions all day.

Stick a live person real-time in front of me, and I can often revert to "Durrr hurrrmmm..." incapacity.

End sum, I'd say it's a wash. Yeah, I'm older and wiser and have learned many a trick... But life has kept up with increasing complexity to keep me feeling dim at times.

IME the AS has not gotten any easier with age. I still feel as socially awkward now at age 28 than I did when I was 12. Maybe it'll get better in time.......maybe. I'm in the process of working with a head doctor on my anxiety and social inadequacies. It does help in the sense that I can have an NT person that's not judgemental "guide" me and give suggestions for handling social situations and whatnot. It has also given me a chance to try to evaluate my own body language that I'm displaying to the outside world. I originally started going to him for addiction counseling for court but has branched more into dealing with jthe AS which is very good.

It was harder for me to deal with it as a kid because I was so oblivious of making decent interactions with people or the world around me. Now that I'm in my late 20s, I've got quite a clear understanding of myself and everything else. My social cluelessness is at a minimum, but still evident nonetheless. However, when it comes to being a self-sufficient adult I'm still not there yet. I'm still at school supposedly training for a career in the arts, but I'm not that sure if I'm any good at it...just like everything else. You see, I'm a late bloomer and slow learner which makes me question my very existence as a human being. I wish that at this stage in life I wasn't dependent on my family to help me out financially. Right now, being an adult is the hardest in its upmost because of this autism curse. Things would've positivitably been different if I were neurotypical.

Now, I don't know about anyone else here but I was diagnosed late. I was actually the OP's age when I was diagnosed but by that time I had already parted ways with a group of really toxic friends so I had no one and still currently don't. Aside a post high school diagnosis the problems were there but no one noticed and since I changed schools a lot I never really maintained very many solid bonds. The reality of making friends in adulthood is a grim one because one will have already established their bonds by the time they are 18 and don't generally need to look for anymore "friends". Most people will chat you up if you want, or if you meet somewhere and talk a little then that's about as far as it goes. As far as becoming an actual "friendship" where you hang out every once in a while, go out for lunch, visit each other houses, etc, its not happening so I don't know what to tell you.

I'm 46 but only really realized I had mild Asperger's in my late 30s, a realization I'd been coming to for a few years.

I found it harder into the 20s and then it got better as I got in with a group of Singles at my church that were really understanding of my goofiness. Part of what hurt me was that I tried to act like I was more NT than I was, but another part was that a couple of guys who accepted me in high school and before didn't anymore and became really vulgar and stuff like that, and if I'd been able to come out and admit what my difficulties were it might have been a much easier split at least and maybe they'd have been mroe understanding.
So, part of it in my view is the way people act in college - especially state schools, it seems, because in my private college my friends I hung out with weren't like that. Once i was out on my own and ditched some of the dead wood, I found people who accepted me and were willing to hang out with me.

Part of it is finding the right 1-2 people to be your scout and help you find friends. Angela first (when I was 6-7 and walking around talking to imaginary friends on the playground) and then Bob (who, oddly, went sideways as I said, but his being robbed at gunpoint might have been part of that) were those kids in school, Sander in college, Rick as an adult. (Give an assist to my mom, she did call and find out about this church's Singles class.) If you don't fidn such understanding people, yes, it can become harder, but only because if you're like me, you find it hard to figure out how to start a friendship, but like another poster said, people will talk to you if you let them, and I am very good at deep, long discussions and my love of reading is something I've always used to have facts about everything and thus start such deep discussions. I just had to figure out how not to sound like a know-it-all doing it.

Your 20's can be the roughest time as they are like teenage years which is where you need the most guidance. They are also rough because other peers your age have matured to their own age and can talk sound patronizing to you. Also add on any sensory issues and lack of social skill and then it can be rough.

You can work on yourself now by checking out these resources
1. Improve your social skills.com by Daniel Wendler who is an Aspie
2. For a fee you can subscribe to advice by males who are entrepreneurs for "Asperger Experts
3. Invest looking into resources through a series called "Asperkids" by Jennifer O'Toole.

Once you hit 30 things will start to click because that's when you can learn about facial expressions

Yes because I just about stayed afloat in the school system and such, even though I grew increasingly unhappy and incurred a lot of damage mentally, as demands and interactions became more complex and I needed to know how to make things happen myself without the conveyor belt so to speak I got lost in the wilderness of it all and eventually burnt out, that is also the thought of the specialist I've seen who also thinks as you get older it becomes more difficult if you never had the diagnosis and insight growing up and navigating life.

For me, my spouse and others in my extended family social difficulties graph out with a hump that peaked in their 20's and then tapered off. By the time people in our culture are expected to be paired up and parenting, most have little time or energy to be policing the behavior, appearance and actions of other adults. And many by that point have let a whole lot of their standards slide because they just don't have the energy or ability to keep everything "perfect" any more. Also, by mid-life most people have enough life experience that they become more tolerant of those who are somewhat different but harmless. So, in the words of a certain attention-garnering media personality, it *does* get better.

This is a very specific question that IMO, hinges on when one was diagnosed and/or acknowledged the syndrome.

For me, it gets harder the older I get. The experiences I've had are now well ingrained in my brain and there's some truth to the saying " You can't teach an old dog new tricks."

I'm much more aware of my limitations socially and that even though I am an awesome person, with great qualities, finding other's who are like-minded or accepting of me the way I am, is a limited pool. That goes vice versa for what I want to deal with as well. NT women are a handful, to put it nicely and I've always been better with the opposite sex ( males) on a friendship level. I'm not sure if any of my " past friends" are on the spectrum.

I believe wholeheartedly, that the younger generation of spectrum soul's will create much longer lived bonds, friendship and romantic relationship's having the knowledge and tools to be the best spectrum soul they truly are.

This is a funny one for me .

I'd say as I got older my issues and traits have got more intense or more of a problem ( hard to explain) BUT at the she time I've got mire stubborn or stroppier or self assured so I find it easier to say NO to a party or a wedding. Or whatever ....

In some ways it gets harder, in other ways it gets easier. I live on my own now, I no longer have to live with other people who try to force me to be something I'm not. No one is going to lecture me or even punish me for having meltdowns or make me go with them to some get-togethers and tell me to socialize instead of just sitting in a corner by myself away from all the chaos. I can privately indulge in my hobbies and special interests without judgement or ridicule. The fact that I'm not in school any more, which is the worst place at all. Teens are so incredibly cruel and don't value other kids who don't copy them like a mindless clone in order to fit in.

Adults aren't constantly told by other adults what they're always telling kids what to do. Adults don't tell other adults to play with the other adults and share their things with them. One major downside to being an aspie adult however, is all the responsibilities. You're expected to suddenly be able to move out and be on your own the second you turn 18. Getting a job at all is a huge challenge, let alone one that is suitable for an aspie. I've read about aspies actually getting married and even having kids. I don't know how they do it, because that's personally my worst nightmare and-a-half come true.