I Find Socializing Easy (Question For Fellow Aspies)

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Not easy for me to answer, but let me try to elaborate:

Whenever I tell someone about my AS, they are all like: "Wow, I would never have guesses, you seem like a completely normal guy!" But that's the point: I appear. I entertain a facade, I mimic behaviour, I am wearing a mask, I am trying to blend in. I can be an incredibly charming person, an interesting guy to talk to, I know that I can be hilariously funny and "spontaneous" with my humor (the "" because I am not, but I have very keen wits and am capable of playing practiced routines with high speed, which makes it seem like I am like that), but it takes me so much energy, it tires me so much to be like that, that when I'm by myself, I am nothing like that. I actually do think it is easy for me to socialize if I choose to, and recently, I've actually discovered that I am even very capable of flirting, of getting women's attention and even to "get numbers"... but I can't go any deeper than that, anything that goes beyond this charade, this theatrical performance of being normal, and people will realize how I really am: trapped in a world of nonsensical rules, of mind-blindess and self-centeredness, that I do not really care about anything but myself. Many of my friends see me as one of life's winners, because they know mostly only this facade. They see me being successful with my special interests, they see me (at least since recently) performing well at college, and they see me getting along with different people right on the spot, without realizing what price I have to pay for these "abilities".
So, yes I do find casual socializing easy, but making friends and establishing contacts is beyond my capabilities. Richard Simmons once said something about himself that I think applies to me quite perfectly: "I don't have a lot to offer to one person. I have a lot to offer to a lot of people."

Socializing is easy.

Making a good impression is difficult.

Maintaining a meaningful relationship is well-nigh impossible!

Probably one of the most complicated facets of life, yet I've gotten much better at it.

I do that as well.Ironically I have more luck with NTs as far as conversations goes. As far as talking to those I know on the spectrum in real life, its pretty much impossible. Usually I get a one word answer, and makes me wonder if these people dont really want to talk. I need help relating to others on the spectrum? Any ideas of why they dont respond, or give a one word answer, while knowing they want friends?

Maybe a one-word answer is all that your questions require? Ask questions that require longer answers. When you say they don't respond, do you mean that they ignore you sometimes?

I would like to respond to your viewpoint by complimenting it with mine:

We (aspies) ARE putting on charades, facades and masks. We dó try to blend in... NT people however, are exactly the same. While for them it comes natural for us it requires active participation. This means we actually KNOW what we're doing while they just DO it. NT people have persona's too they just don't realize it or are less aware of it! I take pride in understanding that all this social and interpersonal relations and 'acting' is just a way to get along in this society. All anyone REALLY cares about is themselves, there is no such thing as true charity. All in all everything we (AS) and they (NT) ever do is out of self interest... we are just more aware of it than they are.

Thus I submit it to you that it is THEM who are delusional and THEM that are trying to fool themselves into thinking they are 'normal'. WE are the only ones that really know how not-normal they really are! THEY cannot help but put on their persona and masks.. WE do so by choice. WE have the power!

</pro-Asperger propaganda mode>

I put easy - though I sort of used my intellect and intense love of reading as a method to allow it.

There are times when it's not, but that invovles when I have to explain a really complex thing and it seems like the NTs just aren't ready for complex stuff. That bothers me. But, since i was little - I was reading at 3 and doing this by 6-7 or 8 at the most - I was reading almanacs for fun. i devour boos and my mom even says she doesn't think I've ever forgotten anything i've read.

Ah, but there's method to this madness. learning isn't just a general obsession for me.

See, when I was little, kids would ask me on the playground to sayt he Presidents or Vice presidents or somethign in order, or recite the number of moons on each planet or their duration of rotation or how long their years were, etc.. And that was possibly part joking, possible just to be amazed at how I did it, but it was he3lping me to learn about back and forth talk jsut like the thoguht balloons in comic strip books like Peanuts helped me see a logical pattern.

Now, if someone mentions a country, I'm ready with either knowing something about it or askigna question. If someone asks how the weather is and it's being its normal weird self here, I can talk about 1816, the year Without A Summer, strange weather elsewhere, even when it fraiend frogs somewhere once.

Anytime I'm talking to someone, I'm truly interested inw hat they say. Yes, learning is an obsession of mine, but that's not the sole reason I enjoy it. And, someone who is really quiet and hard to *get* to talk, that kind of bothers me becasue I'm not sure what to say, it's like I keep trying to unlock the mystery, even though I know factually that some people just are more quiet.

I know that being equipped with stuff to say isn't the only thing Aspies have a problem with when it comes to talking. But, at least for me, having a lot of stuff at hand helps me to be "in the conversation" a bit more. Even if some of the thigns I share wind up not exactly being relevant because I'm taking something too literally.

It's worked for me becaue I have a real interest in other people, which is what others like, and i don't hog the conversation; or try not to, anyway. If I do it's usualy becasue I try to go into great detail exploringt he various facets of a subject and looking at both sides when people ren't interested in an essay.

I think that's becasue of what another poster said above - we know what we're doing because we have to think about it, NTs don't always. So, if I'm thinking out loud, it's soemthing the people in question hae done on their own before or they're just voicing what they think and not really interested in delving deeply into things.

Yes and no. Depends on the people involved, the situation involved, and my mental state at the time.

I find one-on-one interactions so much easier than in groups. Unless there is some sort of structured dialogue going on and/or *all* the members of the group are people who I'm already comfortable talking with one on one, I absolutely suck at group conversation. It's so hard when everyone else is so engaged and I'm just standing there, not sure when to interject. The few times I have experimented with making contributions during these times have always turned out very awkwardly, so when I end up in a situation like this I am always dead quiet.

I love interactions where I know everyone's conversational habits so that I can predict what they are going to say or do next...I am generally very good at conversation when I have a sense of who the person is. I generally don't click with many people my age, especially those who are younger and especially people who are dull, uncreative, and are very gossipy/smalltalky and like to state the obvious. Even at university, I'll hear conversations go on that are just so pointless and inane, and the people who talk like this are generally people I stay away from. However, I do like getting to know new people who seem mature, open minded, fun-loving, quirky and intelligent...in terms of meeting strangers, I don't approach people or start chatting randomly unless we are at a clearly social event, such as a party. The trickier part is staying in touch with them, as when I'm not doing something social, I tend to be very much a loner and will need plenty of time for myself. I'll unintentionally forget to keep in touch with people because I have to be in a specific "mood" in order to talk with them or write them back.

Another tricky thing for me is other people's interests. I tend to have very specific interests, and even if the people I meet are a little bit different, it always seems like they will bond over something that is more "mainstream". When this happens, I'll either make a mental note in my head that this is a common topic, or I'll inquire about it in some way.

Over the years, I have, and still do, find socializing very stressful and unnatural, despite the rewards I get from it (close, fufilling friendships). I always seem to end up going through phases where I experiment with my personality to find out what platonically attracts the most people to me.

For example, I recently went through a period where I felt I had to be very energetic. I felt I had to talk quite a lot to fill up space as I was paranoid about boring people. While some people loved this, others didn't. That's when I *very recently* learned the rule that you have to adjust your conversational style to match your partners...so I've learned to pace myself a little more. I am friends with some people who tend to be high energy sometimes, and so I randomly thought that all people would find me more interesting if I acted like them. A few years ago, I was a bit of a party girl who tended to binge drink quite a lot in social situations, and again, I assumed that was the key to making people like me as it gave me a temporary sense of confidence that I used in order to get through social situations.

When I am anxious, tired, or burnt-out, it shows when I talk to people, and during these times I doubt myself and get very skittish, clumsy and nervous.

With my family, closest friends, and people that have the same intense interest(s) as I, socializing comes pretty easy. With acquaintances, classmates, and strangers, I find it to be very difficult (as in, I'm lucky to get in a sentence without stuttering, pausing, or having to repeat a word) Unfortunately, the number of people that make up the groups in the latter sentence far outweighs the number in the former!

The thought of socializing itself terrifies me.
I feel very confident talking to people that I don't know... but even worse than that, I don't like to talk to acquaintances. I find that it's really hard for me to break the ice or build up to a meaningful conversation. If I try to initiate a conversation with someone and ask, "How was your week?" it's usually followed by a one word response. And that's universally the same response I get when I ask. "How are you's?" response is always "fine."
I have a hard time keeping up with witty banter in conversations and tend to fall into the gray.
I long to be a conversationalist.

That being said, however, I do have a lot of people that I know, that are cool with me and we hang out.
From other people's perspectives, I am apparently a very social energetic person.

It's just weird to know that, because I know all the terror that's going on in my mind throughout the whole social experience, and I guess others can't.

I can't relate to you all who have said that you put on masks to blend in. It's something I've always wanted to be able to do, but I can't. No matter who or what I try to be, something, just SOMETHING about me always stands out.

This is the socially accepted script people are conditioned to follow. When people ask "how are you" or "how was your week," they usually are just "being polite," meaning following the script. They often don't really want to know the answer. The other person knows this, and they follow their part of the script by always giving the same bland, sometimes false answer: "fine." If you want a real answer, you have to ask these questions in a way that let's people know that you really care.

Well, I do actually care when I ask those questions... otherwise I wouldn't say it.
I'm not sure how to make it sound meaningful when I think I am sounding meaningful... I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I'm not really comfortable in social situations, nor do I have the best social skills. But I'm not too bad.

I tend to stand out as the elephant in the room because I have long hair. lol

Long hair on males isn't that uncommon. At least around here.
I'm not sure what it is about me. ha.

i had pretty much same reaction to the post as that guy. up the age of 17 i was like big excited and everything hung out with tonnes of people, did loads of activities. but i wonder i can't remember whether i actually was picking on the social cues/concepts idek about now (but no fear) and only hear about as a concept on the internet and like even then they're barely described the neurotypicals aren't that aware of what it actually is. but umm yeah if you gota a good mind you'll be interested in non people things or just general things like you'll be excited to understand and do that means doing activities you'll just happen to find yourself around others, when speaking with others you'll just happen to have something to talk about and also your general excitement may rub off on them idk. but this is something loads of people say and i disagree with i don't think socialising is about conversation or actual words used like people say is so important how to have a conversation i think socialising is simply a sensory experience and the scary thing is if your brain isn't wired or in the mood for it you won't read their faces and vicariously experience the other person/people whoever your sensory information attention is on and also i've realised that when not in the mood it's not all just ok their faces i'm like hypersensitive to them they look threatening (they're not trying to be i don't think) but any face actually even faces that are looking into the camera eg at me on videos look slightly threatening though obviously not enough for nerves when i'm not in the mood. it's really strange being in such a different state it's a sensory state i have no thoughts it's not verbal or logical it's just being in the moment. i'm curious whether neurotypical people actually have this or whether there's something else to their 'empathy' and socialising like they feel so s**t with their own thoughts on their own they just have to be around others idk.

because i think talking to other people about a subject is actually f*****g boring.

it's not the thinking what another person must be feeling it's literally feeling it because you're aware of your own senses and their emotion is simply exuding out of their body their face etc. there are 10,000 micro expressions of the face only if your brain is programmed already in that sensory non meaning mode can you detect the micro expressions which result in basically a feeling you understand. if your sensory experience is just the release of chemicals within the brain and emotions and feelings are also chemicals (and talking about how socialising is to do with viciarious experience and emtoions) then it's never thinking that socialising is about (ie conversation where you think about what's being said) but the sensory experience. you're excited and in the moment enough to feel their state and then that exudes out of you and they feel it off their vision of you and then you're sharing an emotion/state and that's the unique metasensory experience of socialising and if you can get into that state you're practically bonding with anyone you lay eyes on. and also once you're sharing a feeling ( a strange unique subtle feeling) you don't need to worry about any social skills (I think... i haven' tbeen in the vicarious mode that often only recently discovered it).

but sorry yeah i find socialising (i'm not an aspie but i certainly am comfortable on my own and i have social nerves not anxiety but just a sensation of nerves when i'm in a thinking mode yet happen to be around people - doesn't matter who even my own family). but yeah i wrote all that coz watch out up the age of 16/17 i was really outgoing like going to concerts and stuff sex, drugs and rock and roll but i did it for the activity and maybe i had a bit more of a neurtypical social brain back then and wanted to be in teh cool crowd and stuff like that and just going round to people#s houses knowing you'd play table tennis football in teh park etc all those fun activities and this was back when online gaming wasn't around and i'd grown up without the internet and i liked just getting information learning and people knew stuff so there were ton of reasons why i was around people but not actually paying attention to them always probably as much as they were. but yeah just thinking being around people = conversation is pretty boring i'd say it's kind of just as bad as small talk though i have more sympathy for topic talking because i don't even understand whatever social subtelties lie underneath small talk... i read that it's perhaps to do with respect and they're purely judging you on how you sound and come across speaking not what you're saying... but yeah if life (other people interaction) is just to do with conversation and speaking then it's utterly s**t why do i have to speak i'd much rather learn and think and learn and think and never simply speak so i think life is a sensory experience not words and meaning (those things are for yourself and eventually for your own pleasure - though this took me a while to get familiar with because school essentially makes you dislike learning and narrow what you consider is learning makes you forget that basically everything is material that you can think/learn about). but yeah watch out when the allure of parties/concerts and getting off with girls and trying drugs and having people to make having to go to school a bit more fun then if that interest goes it just becomes people talking to each other.