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College "Friends"

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Andras
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23 Apr 2013, 3:27 pm

cakey wrote:
daydreamer84 wrote:
I hate people like that. Why do they pretend to be your friends and then bully you? They might really think they're your friends.....I'm not sure. It seems like some girls like to have a punching bag in their group of friends....someone they think of as lower than them so they can feel better about themselves or something.

Yes, I agree with this! I also seem to sometimes see a trend where all the firends actuallylike to have a girl in their group just to pick on. They don't see it as a bad thing and consider it "teasing". I find that dumb though.
For real? That's really messed up. Maybe it has to do with insecurity? There has to be a motive behind this.


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OliveOilMom
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23 Apr 2013, 7:13 pm

I've sort of been in similar situations when I was in high school. It's almost like they want to make you their "project" to "help you" be more like them but then when they get you there they just can't see you as equal to them. It's like they invited me to make fun of me behind my back. Of course sometimes girls would truly try and help me and one group of them actually did help me a lot. I wouldn't really trust people who seem to make fun of you though. Now, sometimes friends do make jokes about each other like that and thats' ok but if it's not an all in fun type thing then I wouldn't go at all.


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23 Apr 2013, 7:50 pm

Vectorspace wrote:
Kinme wrote:
Vectorspace wrote:
I'm not sure what this is about, but you should be careful.
I've had bad experiences with similar situations, but they happened before college age.

What happened with your experiences?

It was on a one-week orchestra trip to Scotland. I was 18 and I had to stay in a hostel room with some 16-year-old guys that bullied me badly (maybe in order to impress the two 15-year-old girls who were around).
One of these guys had just joined to the orchestra a few weeks before and would kind of cling to me. I thought he needed some kind of help or was socializing, but he was apparently just looking for a victim.

That incident made me become more careful.
I hope such things won't happen to you.

[Note that I wasn't actually harmed. The worst thing they did was farting on my bedsheets and temporarily taking my phone. But the situation didn't exactly feel good.]


Geez that sucks... It's hard to believe that people can convince us so easily that they are genuine. It's difficult to read the signs as to whether or not they are sometimes.



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23 Apr 2013, 7:52 pm

daydreamer84 wrote:
I hate people like that. Why do they pretend to be your friends and then bully you? They might really think they're your friends.....I'm not sure. It seems like some girls like to have a punching bag in their group of friends....someone they think of as lower than them so they can feel better about themselves or something.


It's probably something like that. They make you feel like dirt and when you tell them they've wronged you they become the victim. They start accusing you of hurting them and act as though they are innocent. I'm guessing this is no different than when I was in high school fighting with "friends" all the time.



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23 Apr 2013, 7:52 pm

Uprising wrote:
I'm sure they are those "nice girls" Boo was talking about a while ago in the L&D section.


More than likely, except this is in regard to friendships and not relationships.



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23 Apr 2013, 7:57 pm

OliveOilMom wrote:
I've sort of been in similar situations when I was in high school. It's almost like they want to make you their "project" to "help you" be more like them but then when they get you there they just can't see you as equal to them. It's like they invited me to make fun of me behind my back. Of course sometimes girls would truly try and help me and one group of them actually did help me a lot. I wouldn't really trust people who seem to make fun of you though. Now, sometimes friends do make jokes about each other like that and thats' ok but if it's not an all in fun type thing then I wouldn't go at all.


This sounds like it could be very possible. It's just really unfortunate that I cannot find true friends. I keep finding people that just want to hurt my feelings, use and manipulate me. These girls are definitely not trying to help. Honestly, come to think of it, they were asking me about whether or not I was enjoying myself because they knew I didn't shop and that kind of crap. It does seem like they are trying to get me to act more like them... More like an "adult." I don't trust them at all, and I've only shared a couple things about myself. And of course the thing about my family being poor for a period of time was made fun of the next day by girl b. What the hell is with people wanting to model people into miniature "thems." Why the heck would I want to be anything like girls like that? Run their friends down and call each other names... No interest in anything aside from material goods. So, the intention is that they want to change me into one of them?



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23 Apr 2013, 8:27 pm

Kinme wrote:
So, I sort of have a dilemma.

There were three girls from my college that invited me to go with them over spring break. When we arrived at the place, I noticed that one girl in particular continuously made derogatory remarks toward me (saying my breasts are too big, calling me childish, correcting me, making fun of me for being poor at one time). Two of the girls were gossiping and whispering while I was getting dressed, and I also overheard one of the girls calling me dramatic while she thought I couldn't hear her. On top of that, they drank and I don't drink. They shop and I hate shopping... They're obsessed with social networking and I'm not... There's just a lot of things that have made me not want to be around these girls.

I tried distancing myself and stopping talking to them, but one of them contacted me out of the blue apologizing as if she did something wrong- which she did. She told me she loved me (as a friend, obviously; this was only after three days of hanging out), and that she "valued" our friendship. I'm feeling something fishy going on. I don't trust these girls, but I cannot figure out their intentions of wanting me to hang out with them when I have no interest in what they do, and they know I don't. They also don't have any interest in my interests.

The girls recently invited me to do another "all girl" dinner-type deal. I have no interest in going with them, so I'm not going to. Can someone explain to me what they possible motives might be? I'm kind of lost about this.


I have to be honest. It seems like they were trying to turn you into the group "scapegoat" (almost every NT group has one), and well as trying to "help" you become more "normal". Sometimes people like this *do* treat us like mini- projects.

I daresay she only contacted you out of ego.
They don't mind if they pick on you or reject you - but you doing the same to them (since they think of you as "weird" and therefore "lesser" than them) is unthinkable, because they expect you to be grateful for them including you at all. Typical ego reaction kicked in trying to make sure that you did not reject her or the group.

I would get away from them and stay away. They don't sound very accepting, kind or mature, and it seems that no good can come of this.


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23 Apr 2013, 9:26 pm

How exactly do you think they are turning me into a scapegoat? Because I am so different from them? It seems like only one of them is so far, but I wouldn't be shocked if the other two feel the same way. I definitely believe they want to fix me, so I have no question about that.

I really thought two of them were genuine, but I was, yet again, lied to.

If it was her ego, why in the world would she apologize to me and tell me all of those sweet things? Wouldn't it be more of a negative reaction? I plan to, now. I was pretty ambivalent about it at first because I really liked girl a, and wanted to get to know her. She seems to be the most fake, now that I see her for what she is.



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23 Apr 2013, 10:23 pm

So my two cents: these people are the kind of people who tease and talk about others behind their backs. I agree with cakey about how one friend probably wants to continue to hang out with you despite her nasty other friends.

Also, I realise that people come from different walks of life. Sometimes when people don't understand others, they say mean things to try to understand others without meaning to be hurtful. If they truly cared about you and they know about your AS, then they would probably understand why you wouldn't like those comments. But not everyone is trustworthy. It's really up to you to decide if they are. It could go one of two ways: 1. they are trustworthy but are unaware and they would stop making those comments if confronted or 2. they are not trustworthy and would continue to hurt you even when confronted

Some people make those comments to pick on people who are different. They will try to peer pressure others into conforming for the sake of "being friends", because that's the kind of friend they are... :roll:


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Kinme
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23 Apr 2013, 10:52 pm

Why would she want to be my friend after saying bad stuff about me behind my back? Because I'm "fun" and "silly" like she calls me? I don't know how much I can trust someone who does that. I do think that girl b is definitely jealous of my breasts and body. She is insecure and made it quite clear that I possessed things that she is jealous of. I could spot it from a mile away, and I knew I would have problems with her. I thought she'd get over it, but she hasn't. I never made comments about her body, nor would I. I have nothing bad to say, and appearance isn't important to me when it comes to friends. Why bother having friends if they have no interests in common with you? Is it really worth suffering doing what they like?



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23 Apr 2013, 11:02 pm

Well, it's like friendships are different kinds of clothing. You have the sturdy, comfy ones that last years, you have the shimmery, cheap ones that last a couple of wears, and everything in between. So some people like variety with their friendships and that's why they make friends with people who don't have the same interests as them.

It sounds like she's insecure around you or jealous, like you said. The way I deal with those kinds of people is to ignore their teases or just tease them back, unless they cross a line. Then I get angry - I mean confront them. I should confront them... I'm having a similar issue with a coworker, but only because he's a complete a** sometimes.


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24 Apr 2013, 3:12 am

Kinme wrote:
How exactly do you think they are turning me into a scapegoat? Because I am so different from them? It seems like only one of them is so far, but I wouldn't be shocked if the other two feel the same way. I definitely believe they want to fix me, so I have no question about that.

I really thought two of them were genuine, but I was, yet again, lied to.

If it was her ego, why in the world would she apologize to me and tell me all of those sweet things? Wouldn't it be more of a negative reaction? I plan to, now. I was pretty ambivalent about it at first because I really liked girl a, and wanted to get to know her. She seems to be the most fake, now that I see her for what she is.


That's what people do - men do it romantically (usually come up with some brilliant excuse, drop some crumbs to you, make their ego feel better, and then drop off the face of the planet again) and women do it in friendship groups. A whole bunch of stuff to attempt to get in your good graces but then they will be back to picking on you if you accept them back. They do it because it's paramount in their minds that if anyone is going to be rejecting someone, that *they* must reject *you* - it's a power game and an ego trip. Anything less is unacceptable, because it shows that you have the power, and their ego just wont stand for you rejecting them.


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24 Apr 2013, 9:28 am

Just ignore the hell out of them permanently and watch them get mad at you for ignoring them and post the messages they send to you here in this thread (or somewhere in the members only section).

Would be fun. :wink:

If they (stalk) visit you at home, come up with a sh***y excuse and continue ignoring them once they're gone.



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24 Apr 2013, 11:02 am

Kinme wrote:
So, I sort of have a dilemma.

There were three girls from my college that invited me to go with them over spring break. When we arrived at the place, I noticed that one girl in particular continuously made derogatory remarks toward me (saying my breasts are too big, calling me childish, correcting me, making fun of me for being poor at one time). Two of the girls were gossiping and whispering while I was getting dressed, and I also overheard one of the girls calling me dramatic while she thought I couldn't hear her. On top of that, they drank and I don't drink. They shop and I hate shopping... They're obsessed with social networking and I'm not... There's just a lot of things that have made me not want to be around these girls.

I tried distancing myself and stopping talking to them, but one of them contacted me out of the blue apologizing as if she did something wrong- which she did. She told me she loved me (as a friend, obviously; this was only after three days of hanging out), and that she "valued" our friendship. I'm feeling something fishy going on. I don't trust these girls, but I cannot figure out their intentions of wanting me to hang out with them when I have no interest in what they do, and they know I don't. They also don't have any interest in my interests.

The girls recently invited me to do another "all girl" dinner-type deal. I have no interest in going with them, so I'm not going to. Can someone explain to me what they possible motives might be? I'm kind of lost about this.


I just have to ask... how open are you about your condition? Motivations vary... but more data is needed...

if they make fun of you for being poor... be happy... You can do something they can't (being happy is it)

If they make fun of you physically... something about your physicality intimidates them... (for the record, if they look good on you, breasts cannot be too small or too large)

If they drank, and you did not... regardless of your true motives, NTs feel that you are judging them for that.

Primarily... I think that aspies, in many cases, trigger the uncanny valley response in most NTs. (Uncanny valley explained in this link)... They often speak ill of each other to solidify their place in the social pack (we are, after all, primates), but they do not realize that the hypervigilance and focus that comes with being an aspie allows us to over hear with a greater degree of ease...

If they know you are on the autistic spectrum... they may also not be aware of the fact that you are smart enough to catch the jibes (thanks Autism Speaks)...

but without more data, it is hard to make a definitive statement


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24 Apr 2013, 11:57 am

Kinme wrote:
daydreamer84 wrote:
I hate people like that. Why do they pretend to be your friends and then bully you? They might really think they're your friends.....I'm not sure. It seems like some girls like to have a punching bag in their group of friends....someone they think of as lower than them so they can feel better about themselves or something.


It's probably something like that. They make you feel like dirt and when you tell them they've wronged you they become the victim. They start accusing you of hurting them and act as though they are innocent. I'm guessing this is no different than when I was in high school fighting with "friends" all the time.


That's what I was thinking of....people did do that to me in high school (they were maybe less subtle when teasing me but similar). It seems like a very cruel way to bully someone to me. You pretend to care about them and want to be their friend. You manipulate their emotions and confuse them. Then instead of feeling like "I have no friends and everybody bullies me" the victim feel like "even my friends bully me and treat me like sh*t. I must really be garbage". I think it's meaner in a way.

Still it might just be teasing to them like others have said. They might not have horrible intentions. I don't know. My advice would probably be to stay away from them because either way they are mean to you.



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24 Apr 2013, 12:01 pm

Andras wrote:
cakey wrote:
daydreamer84 wrote:
I hate people like that. Why do they pretend to be your friends and then bully you? They might really think they're your friends.....I'm not sure. It seems like some girls like to have a punching bag in their group of friends....someone they think of as lower than them so they can feel better about themselves or something.

Yes, I agree with this! I also seem to sometimes see a trend where all the firends actuallylike to have a girl in their group just to pick on. They don't see it as a bad thing and consider it "teasing". I find that dumb though.
For real? That's really messed up. Maybe it has to do with insecurity? There has to be a motive behind this.


Yeah maybe they probably feel insecure and want to feel better about themselves. They feel better about themselves by putting others down. What I don't like about this explanation is: I'm an insecure person, I have low self esteem but I wouldn't put down others and bully them to make myself feel better while pretending to be their friends.........
What causes a person to respond this way to their feelings of insecurity instead of some other way?