Aspies and One-Sided Relationships

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I'd have a car if I could afford one. The U.S. might be affluent for some people, but if getting past interviews is tough, it's hard to accumulate enough money to buy one (and, yes, in the U.S., a car is a necessity unless you desire to be a homebody all your life). I've graduated from college now, and frankly I hated the experience (since I was socially isolated the whole time).

I've met a few aspies in my area, but I found our personalities were incompatible. Asperger's syndrome is really a marginal commonality to base a friendship on. If one person enjoys activities (me) while the other prefers to sit and read (and by choice), there is an incompatibility. If one person is organized and punctual while another might be scatterbrained and unable to follow through on plans, there's an incompatibility. I have found offline acquaintances with AS to be more frustrating to deal with than most NTs, frankly, but this is from a sample of less than ten.

On its own, that's true. But I'm not suggesting you consider that in isolation. I said this:


Which meant you are capable of projecting at least part of your personality into what you write from which others can ascertain the likelyhood of compatibility.

Having said that, I do realise it's not exactly an easy task. Over here we've a greater population density in a smaller country so the practical difficulties of getting to visit someone you've met via the net aren't so great. You are correct that there are many reasons why acquaintances with AS may be frustrating, but at least it's possible for both of you to realise why the fustration is occuring, and from that understanding it may be possible to formulate a pattern of interaction that is acceptable to both parties. That's extremely unlikely when you are dealing with most NTs. If you don't have the necessary positive facial expressions, or maybe have the monotone type voice, for example, then unfortunately many will make initial negative inferences and things can never progress from there.

Anyway, I don't claim to have any definitive answers. That's just my opinion from having similar problems to yourself, and having been trying to do something about them for the four years since I discovered those problems were AS related. I've managed to improve my situation, and that's entirely due to being able to interact with people on these message boards by typing text, as opposed to face to face interaction. Then being able to meet with people who appear to have at least some mutual interests. However, don't think I have, or want, a hectic social life. The people I know I only meet IRL a few times a year, but that's better than being completely socially isolated.

Oh, your employment situation is unfortunate, especially as, judging by your many past contributions here, you appear to have a gift for writing.

wow, I can't believe you all are mirroring what I have gone through, in a way that in itself makes me feel better (misery loves company, and all that); but you have also said some really good things about getting around it. This has been my biggest bane, and the cause of the most sleepless nights.

I go through a certain cycle with friends: I find people I think will be likely to be interested in being friends, like they have similar interests and they are actually talking to me, so I initiate contact and activities for a while, not too pushy, but enough to keep them reminded about me. If it feels I am doing all the initiating or they aren't reciprocating, then I back off, maybe all at once, and see if/when they try to contact me to find out why I suddenly dropped off the face of the world. I am always amazed and depressed when they never do call back. I even have this problem with the 3 relatives I talk to, all of whom apologize about not calling me when I do call them back.

In my experience, I make a bad first impression (no doubt facial expression is among the reasons) but I make good friendships of the people with whom I work, after they see my work ethic and they come to respect me. This is also the only way I have been able to get girlfriends (at least those who last more than 2 dates). But even among those friendships, they slowly slip away, for one reason or another. I have backed off even when I was still being invited, but that was either because they driving distance wasn't really worth it (at the time, I thought) or the people really didn't share any interests with me and it got awkward for me to go over there and pretend to be interested in stuff I couldn't stand.

I crave a small group of friends (5-6) all of whom know one another, but I would be happy just to get 1 or 2 nowadays. I go through spurts where I try to get new friends and then I burn out, and go long periods just working on solo stuff and pretending I am not lonely. My current job holds no friends for me; it is not as social as the other jobs I have had, nor do the people fit my mold. I do shipping/receiving for a machine shop now, previous jobs where I had good friends were the book store, and Taco Bell. I had great hopes for making friends when I went off to UCF to study engineering: I figured here, at last, I will have things in common with my classmates, for we all share a similar educational and career path. Sadly, this was not to be, and I burned myself out again trying to be social and make friends, all in vain.

A few months ago, my best friend (that I've known since high school, but who doesn't live nearby), talked me into joining myspace to search for friends old and new. So far I have had limited success, but it has led me here, since I found 3 AS groups there. I have a few 'friends' there, some of whom are aspies, but so far it hasn't taken off or led to any RL friendships.

This site (WP) is my last hope for finding friends, at least for the time being (I'm sure I will get over it if I don't make any here). I have posted my brains out both at myspace and here, and few answer my posts or send me any PMs. So we will see.
To paraphrase John Cleese from the movie "Clockwise" (sorry, can't remember quote exactly): "I can take the despair. It's the hope that kills me."
My quick info: 38 male in Orlando, looking mainly for female friends but any male aspie with similar interests could be cool, too.

qwertyuiop

I am not sure that this is entirely accurate. Certainly those with Asperger's Syndrome and other conditions on the autism spectrum may have difficulties reading social cues, a tendency towards introversion, frequently are obsessed with a particular subject and other traits that might render establishing and maintaining a friendship difficult, but from my experience at least it is not impossible. Granted I do enjoy much time alone (equally there are times when it is hard to endure) but the simple truth is that I have enjoyed real friendships with some people. Close friendship may be relatively rare, and to date reciprocal romantic relationships (as distinct from unrequited love or infatuation depending upon your point of view) have been non existent (though the majority of my platonic friendships have been with women, or when I was a child, girls - I found stereotypical male interests difficult to relate to though curiously my best friends from primary and secondary school were both male, one quite different to me and one quite similar) and these friendships have made life easier (admittedly so have solitary activities like reading). Autism may be derived from Greek autos "self" (also the third person singular pronoun, in a certain position one of the words for "same" but perhaps that is less relevant) and this reflects a valid tendency towards introversion, but I do not think that those with Asperger's Syndrome and related syndrome are foredoomed to never experience friendship at all. That said, Active Guy's advice that we learn to be happier with our fundamental intrinsic nature may have some merit.

I used to put a lot of effort into trying to establish friendships with people on the rare occasions when I found someone whom I thought might become a friend. It has never worked. I have been told I am too pushy or too clinging, or I want too much. This has the effect that the person gets put off becoming a friend. So I have tried the reverse, trying not to appear too interested, and then I get accused of being standoffish and cold. Seems like I can't win. After years of getting knockbacks from people I hoped would be friends I have practically given up trying.

Know what you mean try everthing and end up not working, take peoples advice, I wonder if they even look at me and notice I am not giving out human singals like everyone else is while they put across this advice or they think I am just down or something... I have even tryed middle, give a little & not give much at the same time, really think its the complex signaling that adults have switched over on & the way the world works that got them into this process... My switch is off still mind you in the end I don't really want to become a person that has to lie to get through life... I Love studying humanity they don't even understand themselves yet they say we are the ones who can't stick ourselves in another persons shoes, waste all this money on relationship books yet its simple as learning ( Human Courtship )... But then I can't manipulate people like that... Never know the true intentions of the people around you.

Right there. You just described me and my best friend. We both have problems. My problems are a combination of my ASD and traumatizing eperiences earlier in life, his are much the same except he is neurotypical.
We both share the interest for music, although mine is more of the obsessive nature. He loves to sit and jam on the guitar with me, and so do I. But I almost always have to be the one to initiate contact.
The lecture our parents have shoved down our throaths about being contact seeking etc is a pile of BS!
In the NT world, you cannot come across as needy or dependent, as this will be percieved as low ranking in the "pack".
I am currently studiying books on charisma and leadership and I am gradually figuring out what my mistakes come from.

Its a weird weird NT world we live in, and it seems at times as we werent meant to be. Hope lies in the fact that most ASD diagnosed people can learn social interaction and the art of making(and most important: keeping) friends.
Its a long road but with some crashing and burning, we will succeed at last. I hope.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/4579681.stm you think this, A step-by-step guide to charisma, works

like this one the best lol

Yes, I have noticed this quite often. I think some of it has to do with the fact that my friends are usually very intellectual and take very difficult classes or work in research that requires a lot of their time. Some of them also live with one or more of their other friends, either as roommates or in the same building, so seeing these friends is easier than arranging for me to visit them (and them visiting me would require them to walk a ways.

Curiously, there is one type of people that seem to behave EXACTLY the opposite, and this is strongly religious people. For awhile I was in this philosophy discussion group, and it was run by this guy who clearly bases his entire worldview on Catholic teachings. For instance, he believes that birth control is immoral, that stem cell research must be stopped, etc. After a while I stopped attending the group, since every session turned into an argument between his and my views (the group had only 4-5 regular members, and considering that my university has >24,000 students, this probably had more to do with him than lack of interest in philosophy). Despite the fact that I found little common ground with him, he valued my presence in the group so much that he sometimes canceled it when I didn't show up because of other events at the same time.

Also, there was this guy who had long since graduated, but still was (and maybe still is) involved in the running of an Asian Baptist organization on campus. He met me while eating in a school cafeteria and started asking me about evolution, and after seeing him for only the second time he started contacting me about wanting to hang out together. He also wanted me to go to some of the events of his group, even though he knew I was neither Asian nor Baptist. While one of his events was still fun (it was a barbecue and ultimate frisbee game), for the most part I was uninterested because I was the only white guy surround by Asians who were quite religious and mostly from traditional backgrounds (I have quite some Asian friends, but they are not the kind of "church kids" I ran into at these events). The guy even showed up unannounced at my dorm during finals to give me a snack.

These make me wonder if there's a connection between believing in religion and being willing to pursue relationships even with little visible reciprocity (sort of like their "relationship" with God maybe?).

I have absolutely no friends, have not had any in 10 years. I also have never had a girlfriend. Everybody gives me the advice to get out there and invite people to stuff, but it always ends up as described in this forum. Absolutely NOBODY wants to be around me and nobody ever will.

It's usually, though not always, me who phones or emails my friends, not they who phone or email me. They're happy to see me but they don't often seek me out, because they have other things on their agendas. For me, however, they're the most important people around...

I know what you mean. I have one friend, but he lives 800km away and I haven't seen him for some 10 years. Other than that, it is limited to polite social chitchat. I never get invited anywhere, not even for lunch, and I am always havng the impression that nobody wants my company. I have had this feeling since I was a kid and none of the other kids wanted to play with me, and I got bullied a lot. My efforts to be friendly and kind to people seem to make no difference.

I don't have any friends either, but that may simply be through not trying and not putting myself in a position where I can meet anyone I've got a few online friends if they count, but nobody in real life. Sometimes I feel lonely but not often; when I had friends I found them too high-maintenance. When I was in school, I was usually the one who never had a partner in PE and never got invited to parties - you know the thing - but for a few years I was part of a little group, four of us who hung out together during school, and glad though I was of it, there were days when I just couldn't face interacting with the other three.

The nicest thing about the Internet is you can turn people off when you're tired and then blame it on the computer "Where'd you go yesterday?" "Sorry, booted."

What I need is friends who are AS, probably. People who can understand that sometimes, though it's nothing of their doing, you just want to back off and be alone...

You're right Revenant. My friend and I have lots in common and can easily talk for hours, and it's great once it's going. But I do seem to be the one starting things up all the time.

I get the feeling he does occasionally try to initiate things with people, other than me, but seems to find people aren't really interested. I've assured him if he asked me to do stuff, I'd almost certainly be available. Perhaps that verges on sounding needy? He does accuse me of being needy, but yet he almost always leaves it up to me to do the asking. I think he knows that I kinda regulate our meeting up without him having to do anything, apart from say "yes" or "no".

I think he feels he's a burden and he doesn't want to be, and that asking a friend to do something is "taking advantage". I've assured him it's not like that, and that I really enjoy his company and wish he'd do more of the asking, but nothing I say seems to have any effect.

How can I convince him he's not taking advantage?

Yes, and I've lost friends that way because I didn't put the effort into keeping the friendship going. I can't remember once in my life where I actually went to someone myself to initiate a friendship. All the friends I had in the past came to me first. The amount of times people actually come up to me is probably like once every 5 years. It's just too much of an effort to keep friendships going and I don't get much enjoyment from it, so I don't see the point.