I don't understand how aspies can "learn" social s

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BigSnoopy, yours is a good example of what they DON'T teach in social skills. You discovered one of the most crucial hidden rules of social interaction: "if something baffles you, look for more clues in the overall, unspoken context, analyse what each person involved may have on their minds". "Social skills" is practically all about politeness and makes those good aspies who adhere faithfully look like pathetic polites-and-nothing else. After decades of trying the social skills religiously, we realize that extremely rude people have a ton of friends and social influence and we have zero.

Story of my life...

I try to avoid confrontation at all costs because I don't have conversation scripts for verbal defence, I guess thats why I always freak out when ever I see a police car, thinking: "Im going to do something wrong then... then... null return error" Also I let people walk all over me because I don't want to possibly cause "trouble."

Well, for me it's like this: I started out pretty hopeless when it came to social interaction. Over time I got better by observing people, by practice. I've gotten a lot better, and can basically function. After all I've learned and figured out, though, I wouldn't call that a cure. I still communicate better in writing. Sometimes my words leave me, or I get overwhelmed. Basically I still have autism, I've just gotten better at social interaction over time. Hm, a metaphor might help.

Let's say somebody loses a leg, but has a passion for sports. So the person gets a prosthetic leg and physical therapy to learn to walk and run on their new leg. They get to where they can play sports effectively. The original leg that person was born with is still gone, they've just learned to function well with what they have.

I felt it the same way when I was in your age. But with age also comes experiences. You will learn more and more how to "act" properly, to put it that way. You will learn some tricks here and there how to do small talks and so on. So just relax and not feel lost.

This is how I've learned many social skills. A lot of it relies on using my intellect in a very quick way and makes use of my high ability to grasp patterns naturally. I have first been able to recognize certain patterns of interaction and then applying them myself while taking into account the situation around me.

I think that everyone with ASD has different ways they process social and emotional information, and I think there are other ways of learning to get by in the world without wearing yourself out (mainly by knowing yourself well and being able to explain your behaviors). I find that some people on the spectrum can learn these things well with practice and others find it too draining. The trick is to know where you are on this spectrum and adjusting your approach to others accordingly.

It also largely depends on your surroundings. Eg whether your social surroundings are mostly your highly supportive and caring family or a pool of sharks at a large firm, and if you don't keep afloat in that wolf-eats-wolf social group of best political beasts, you can't make a living and are at risk of homelessness.

Moondust, I am reasonably successful, and the biggest bunch of sharks I ever dealt with was my own family. As far as the "political beasts" go, I too have had problems with them. Since I am your age, and have been completely on my own since I was sixteen, my advice for dealing with coworkers is either to ensure you are in charge of them, or to develop skills that don't require much interaction with others--as in putting ourselves in a position where we can get away with selling our skills rather than our personalities.

I'm not bringing this up to be contrary, but to offer hope and encouragement to other aspies who might not be fortunate enough to have a supportive family. It is possible for those of us in this unfortunate position to make it, and I offer myself as proof.

There are treatments for everything but that doesn't mean it's a cure. People with mental retardation will learn life skills like hanging up their cat, writing their name and phone number, kids with ADHD may learn skills like to be better organize,d taking medicine, people with sensory issues may have therapy to help with their nerves system or people with dyspraxia may have therapy to help with their coordination or someone with dyslexia learning to read and spell words. With autism, people will try and teach them life skills too and communication and social skills and other basic stuff like waving and pointing to things to share with people.

It all does feel like fixing but people have their own concept on what fixing is. Lot of us see this as fixing but lot of NTs do not. Even I don't understand how can this not be fixing. When you have an issue, you try to fix it fight. When you have a problem, you try and fix it. So why isn't giving someone therapy and teaching them skills fixing them? I feel I have gotten fixed and my mom says she didn't fix me, she helped me so my life is easier and so I could be independent as an adult and live a normal life.

I think I have mostly taught myself social skills. I think when you're mild you can do it yourself and I notice lack of therapy for social skills for mild aspies. I don't remember getting it as a kid. It was just "put her in a group of kids so she can learn social skills" was the treatment for mine. Even my psychiatrist wrote how I should join groups so I could work on them. Mine comes from reading and what people say online about social skills. That's my treatment. In the group therapies, only thing I got out of them was learning about passive assertive and aggressive. I didn't learn other social stuff. I still got crap in school when I would try and socialize and my therapist made it out to be my fault because he would say things like "You don't pick up on social cues" 'You were taking over the conversation" "You were saying too much" "You were saying appropriate things" "You weren't following the social rules of the conversation" and that was my therapy there I guess on social skills and I was too defensive to learn them. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong and I was blaming my problems on other kids. I just thought they were all being mean to me ad no wonder aspies can't socialize, people won't let them.

I suspect when you're mild, your problems are ignored and not given much attention because they expect you to adapt on your own. I was still in therapy for other things. I didn't start seeing someone until I was 11. Before that it was speech therapy where I did learn some social skills like turn taking and hygiene and sitting still. I remember I had to tap my foot quietly and make sure it wouldn't make a sound or else I would lose a speech buck. I was always clever. Maybe I did have social skills training as a kid too. I was 20 when I finally learned about personal space and it didn't take me long to learn it. Mom just gave me a little lecture about it and told me to stand at least an arm length away and that is most peoples personal space is an arm length. I was getting massive complaint at work about my "rude" behavior and it made me change it. I didn't understand personal space and it took complaints for me to realize. Then I wondered why didn't anyone teach me and she told me she has tried over the years, my psychologist has tried, my speech therapist and I just didn't care she said. Then I remembered Mom grabbing me and grabbing my clothes when I was standing too close to someone or telling me I am too close and stay back and I thought she was being unreasonable. I thought other kids were too and I thought they were just messing around and being strange. I had no awareness. Then I was able to learn it in a day when I finally did care and decided to listen and it was me with the problem, not everyone else. I still have to remind myself sometimes to not be so close to someone and I make sure it's more than an arm length away or an arm length.

Hmmmmm...im just wondering if I should give you bad news or just keep quiet..actuallly I will..I sat here for about 5 min ..wondering if I should say anything..I dont want anybody to give up hope..

But I want to spare you the disappointment and hardships I went through.in the so called right planet..I went through 95% of my life not even realizing I had autism...I knew I was different but I couldnt put my finger on it why..and maybe it was for the good .but the more I look back in life it really wasnt...I never liked talking .no friends really as a teen..girls in grade 8 would show an interest in me..but I had no clue what to do so I punched them in the arm....I still cant figure out why I did that..

but I did learn to socialize a bit..I hung out with the bad crowd the rockers ..I liked them they accepted me..and I made some friends along the way.those people are what i call keepers ..they made me feel comfortable and would always make the effort to be your friend because they see a person that would never argue with them ..very giving..easily persuaded and enjoyed their company..as I got older I lost contact with a few others died at an early age..

now heres the bad news...I wanted new friends so I looked for the rocker type..well not all are similar I found out the hard way ..these people take advantage of your kindness..by stealing your personal valuables money..and convincing you to pay for everything use you for your car ..etc ...etc..they are smooth..they pretend to be your friend ..and tell you just what you want to hear..like ei...hey bro I love you man I would do anything for you if I could ...when I get some money im going to do this do that...which never
happened..

i get a girlfriend later ...and these guys try to sleep with her behind my back...and she told me ..but I said nothing..to keep them as friends..dumb...now they knew they could get away with anything..they got together making a plan to get me arrested ..so they could take everything I had while in jail.cops never believed a word I said .cause I couldnt explain properly and didnt even have a clue what was happening....I hate cops they have done that to me a lot over the years..yes it happened more than once with diffferent people..

I began to dislike people ..thinking how could they live themselves after doing that .. so I confronted them..they got all mad and left they didnt even care ..so now its just me and my girlfriend ...we stayed home lots..I worked a full time good paying job....bought a nice house.. and we had a little girl ....my girlfriend was a home schooled slow learner ..and we got along great.
I still had no clue I had autism. our daugter was about 5 when all helll broke loose..a nosey evil controlling sister .baby sat one weekend and started saying things like your daughter is very slow at speech..and blew it right out of proportion .she stole personal photos and phoned social workers they came took our daughter and tested her..the results showed she was either abused or has autism her social skill was that of a 2yr old.at 5yrs old
so now we are accussed of neglect...wow...a..long storey short ..
she ends up in foster home .because they said both parents arnt capable of child care.your doing drugs..because your not telling us everything..if I knew I had autism .im not sure it would have made a difference if I told them anyways..
our family gets torn apart by this ..we loose the house because I was so stressed .all gone ..just like that..

I hated people after that ..and kept to myself ..I didnt trust anyone...no im not finished...yes theres more
I end up meeting an old girlfriend from my 20s we date for a while..one day my gold rings went missing she is the only person I know..I phone cops on her we split up..she begs me back .I forgive her..bad bad choice ..same thing happens she callls cops for a phoney assault charge..as revenge...steels my old coin collection and
other stuff..while im in jail ..now I have to go to court .I miss the court date because of a mysterious vertigo .on that day and phone didnt work .

now i have a bench warrent ..lol.
I stay with her hoping she will tell the truth to the crown council..she did ..but they didnt believe her..I know im gonna go to jail how retarted our system is.so I hide out in my home never go out never answer the door..its been almost a yr now...
and I sit here every day wondering what I did so wrong to deserve this.by myself...when all I wanted to do was help people.I did an unbelievable amount of things for everyone..she has the nerve to blame me for losing all her storage ..because she didnt pay the bill ..and since I signed for it I now have collections after me for 700.00 storage fees.
aftet being hurt so muchll
I hated people in the false world..and have no desire to even meet another..I came here hoping to help others avoid the same hell im going through.now..I have a sign on my wall that says...
dont start a new life because yours is done..

Hmmmmm...im just wondering if I should give you bad news or just keep quiet..actuallly I will..I sat here for about 5 min ..wondering if I should say anything..I dont want anybody to give up hope..

But I want to spare you the disappointment and hardships I went through.in the so called right planet..I went through 95% of my life not even realizing I had autism...I knew I was different but I couldnt put my finger on it why..and maybe it was for the good .but the more I look back in life it really wasnt...I never liked talking .no friends really as a teen..girls in grade 8 would show an interest in me..but I had no clue what to do so I punched them in the arm....I still cant figure out why I did that..

but I did learn to socialize a bit..I hung out with the bad crowd the rockers ..I liked them they accepted me..and I made some friends along the way.those people are what i call keepers ..they made me feel comfortable and would always make the effort to be your friend because they see a person that would never argue with them ..very giving..easily persuaded and enjoyed their company..as I got older I lost contact with a few others died at an early age..

now heres the bad news...I wanted new friends so I looked for the rocker type..well not all are similar I found out the hard way ..these people take advantage of your kindness..by stealing your personal valuables money..and convincing you to pay for everything use you for your car ..etc ...etc..they are smooth..they pretend to be your friend ..and tell you just what you want to hear..like ei...hey bro I love you man I would do anything for you if I could ...when I get some money im going to do this do that...which never
happened..

i get a girlfriend later ...and these guys try to sleep with her behind my back...and she told me ..but I said nothing..to keep them as friends..dumb...now they knew they could get away with anything..they got together making a plan to get me arrested ..so they could take everything I had while in jail.cops never believed a word I said .cause I couldnt explain properly and didnt even have a clue what was happening....I hate cops they have done that to me a lot over the years..yes it happened more than once with diffferent people..

I began to dislike people ..thinking how could they live themselves after doing that .. so I confronted them..they got all mad and left they didnt even care ..so now its just me and my girlfriend ...we stayed home lots..I worked a full time good paying job....bought a nice house.. and we had a little girl ....my girlfriend was a home schooled slow learner ..and we got along great.
I still had no clue I had autism. our daugter was about 5 when all helll broke loose..a nosey evil controlling sister .baby sat one weekend and started saying things like your daughter is very slow at speech..and blew it right out of proportion .she stole personal photos and phoned social workers they came took our daughter and tested her..the results showed she was either abused or has autism her social skill was that of a 2yr old.at 5yrs old
so now we are accussed of neglect...wow...a..long storey short ..
she ends up in foster home .because they said both parents arnt capable of child care.your doing drugs..because your not telling us everything..if I knew I had autism .im not sure it would have made a difference if I told them anyways..
our family gets torn apart by this ..we loose the house because I was so stressed .all gone ..just like that..

I hated people after that ..and kept to myself ..I didnt trust anyone...no im not finished...yes theres more
I end up meeting an old girlfriend from my 20s we date for a while..one day my gold rings went missing she is the only person I know..I phone cops on her we split up..she begs me back .I forgive her..bad bad choice ..same thing happens she callls cops for a phoney assault charge..as revenge...steels my old coin collection and
other stuff..while im in jail ..now I have to go to court .I miss the court date because of a mysterious vertigo .on that day and phone didnt work .

now i have a bench warrent ..lol.
I stay with her hoping she will tell the truth to the crown council..she did ..but they didnt believe her..I know im gonna go to jail how retarted our system is.so I hide out in my home never go out never answer the door..its been almost a yr now...
and I sit here every day wondering what I did so wrong to deserve this.by myself...when all I wanted to do was help people.I did an unbelievable amount of things for everyone..she has the nerve to blame me for losing all her storage ..because she didnt pay the bill ..and since I signed for it I now have collections after me for 700.00 storage fees.
aftet being hurt so muchll
I hated people in the false world..and have no desire to even meet another..I came here hoping to help others avoid the same hell im going through.now..I have a sign on my wall that says...
dont start a new life because yours is done..

My point being ..dont bother trying to be accepted
you never will be..people hated me because they never got the same needed response back that I liked them..