How to get over loosing a friend - any ideas?

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It's hard to offer advice on this as you haven't really described what happened.

You were friends, then you asked her out -- what , on a date? -- and she stopped being friends with you?

If that's the case, she's just not attracted to you and never will be. If your "friendship" is really that you're smitten with her then you'll get over it with the passage of time and distance. And even if the friendship part is totally legit, if you're smitten with the person as well but they aren't with you, then it's over.

I found when I was younger than I was always looking for a "perfect" mate: a woman who liked me for me and yet also fit all of the stereotypical demands of what NT people want: beauty, brains, independence, compassion, decency, honesty.

But in reality, most people never meet someone perfect. We learn instead to accept the flaws of others along with the characteristics we like.

So really, if she doesn't see you as boyfriend material, that's unlikely to change without a) a dramatic change in physical appearance, if you're not as fit/good looking as her; or b) a dramatic change in personality, to the type of man NT women want: someone who is a strong protector but also lets them be themselves.

The "b" part is very important (and why so many NT women go after bad guys); if you're continually being deep, reflective and self-consciously analyzing, very few NT women who ALSO fit your paradigm of perfection will EVER be available to you. They need to see "normal guy" stuff: shows of testosterone, guy friends, some physical prowess.

The hardest thing for anyone with aspergers to do is to not obsess. IF you're obsessing over a person, it's going to throw your already atypical neurochemical balance completely out of the window. So you have to cut it off, completely. Obsession is not love; love is reciprocated and comfortable, not a yearning for that which you can't have.

jloome, what exactly happened is this. It is going to be quite long this but hopefully it should shed some more light on the situation

We became friends quite quickly (aspie aspie friendships are made quicker IMHOtham NT NT ones) and then over time I developed feelings for her. I had originally planned on asking her out later on in the year (after half term) than I eventually did but on a Tuesday, she mentioned in a passing conversation that she wasn't looking for a relationship. Because the feelings were quite strong at that point and after hearing that, I went into one of those aspie panics and only managed to stop myself having a meltdown until I was out of her company and in a safe place to do so. The next morning I had recovered a bit from the day before but, because we are both the seemingly rare variety of empathic aspergics, she sent me a text asking whether there was anything I wanted to talk about. I over thought this and brought forwards the date I had originally planned to ask her out on to that day and made the arrangements with the college so that the conversation could be done in privacy (except for the college SENCO who would step in if needed). At lunch we met and I told her I liked her and asked her out. She realised that what had happened the day before had really stressed me out and she then proceeded to explain why she didn't want a relationship at the time. We agreed to stay as friends though.

The Monday the week after (don't want to go into detail here) I said something I shouldn't have that wasn't mine to share and upset herbecause. I had mentioned that. Once again an aspie panic was brought on when I realised that I had upset her and this, combined with my empathic aspergic nature, caused me to get into the mindset of "I can fix this" and I guess that I became obsessed with trying to make things right. This didn't work out and she asked me to give her space, which I did. However, over time the friendship started to slip and feeling this, I tried to once again try and get things on an even keel.

Obviously this didn't work and it ended up with the college asking me to give her more space (her mum had called in and asked whether I was safe for her to be around which really hurt me in itself), which I did but it tore me up to do so (I didn't tell them this as it don't think it would have gone down too well). The college knew something was up and tried to get me back to a point that I was at before I met her as they thought that it would be a good way to get me back to being me (I had become so self conscious it got down to the point where I was getting stressed just thinking about whether what I had for lunch would upset her).

This worked well and I got back to writing my novel which she was a part of. This didn't go down well and she approached me to tell me that she wanted to be a part of the novel no more and didn't explain why. One meltdown later after I got home and I started to think I was the problem (technically I am right on this but that, if anything else big happens, will probably be another post t some point in the near future) and wanted to know from herself whether I was. It took a while to build up the courage to get one of our mutual friends to pass my message on about whether she wanted the friendship and whether I was the problem. The next week at Monday lunch we met in pretty much the same way as before but this time she told me that she didn't want to continue with the friendship and that it was because of how much stress and anxiety I had caused her (She being an aspie too I understood what she was saying). She then left the office and I spent the rest of lunch and a good part of my next lesson having a meltdown and grieving at the loss of the friendship. What made it worse that, after I had calmed myself down enough to go to PE and but myself through as many physically demanding activities as possible to punish myself for causing the ending of our friendship, the same person who told me to give her more space came up to me and said that whatever space I was giving was still not enough.

One thing she asked me after she told me that the friendship was over was whether there was anything I wanted to say and, because I was in shock, I said no and now that I do have something I would like to say I can't say it as I don't know whether that would be giving her enough space and this is tearing me apart from the inside out as I feel as if the ball has been left in my court and I can't return it.

I hope that sheds a bit more light on what happened to cause the friendship to end and when it is written out like this it makes me think all of the things again, the most prominent being did I cause all of this.

SRT

SRT,
We do this. We stress and fret and obsess, and then try to fix stuff -- but for our own benefit, in the long run. And in making that selfish gesture ... yes, we bring it upon ourselves.

I've been where you are, both with aspie-types and non. And you really have to take the blinders off and see it for the obsessive, unhealthy personal connection that it was.

Friends, even best friends, don't cause those sorts of feelings of requiring to be in the other person's presence, or of being utterly lost without them. And the reason she wants to just cut it off is she can see you have an obsession with her. You may not see it as such, and just see it as bumbling your way into trying to take it a step further, but it's more than that. I say that as a neutral observer who, when younger, was where you are several times.

We obsess. It's what we do and is the root of anxiety. IF you're not on an anti-anxiety medication I highly recommend it. Shuts down the inner monologue for a few hours a day, gives your noggin a rest.

I know this isn't exactly "cry on my shoulder" type advice, but that's not what you need to hear. Move on. Meet someone new, preferably someone neurotypical but patient who will challenge you to see past the blinders that often make us prefer to be antisocial and socially restrictive. Or, if you don't want to drive someone crazy, another Aspie. But don't take it seriously until they take it seriously. That longing you feel for a perfect partner is your subconscious trying to conquer your anxiety, which in turn is caused by social separation, which in turn causes insecurity. One way aspies get around this is by looking for an "anchor" person who we can always trust. Often when we're younger, we combine that desire with our natural desire for order via established patterns of behavior, including romanticism, and we seek a partner to be our "one and only."

But it's a symptom of the condition and the mindset. As you deal with more of these, you'll realize you're happiest when you're with someone you make happy. Leave it at that and let them make any moves.