It's very hard trying to live a normal life when people..

Post Reply New Topic

I used to want peoples' attention, and I spent my whole time in high school wanting to be near other people, but I think now I realise that most people derive pleasure from something totally different than I do. I act differently because of that - at parties I'm left thinking "is this is?".

Now I act without caring as much about how people perceive me, I try to have fun with my situation. I realise that it's incredibly unlikely to meet somebody like yourself, though.

yes this is sort of how it is really which is a bit sad - superficial groups of "friends" that hide their true thoughts and feeling just to fit in as part of that group that's what most NT friendships seems to be from what iv observed the only time they will open up and even then thy might hold back some things is when alone with a with a "best friend"

This is why small "niche" or "hip" places are preferred for dates. I'm going to make a couple examples. What do girls order at Panera? In my experience the girls will order a salad but this depends on the company. A girl who is on a date might order a salad or not, but girls in a group will always order a salad and will usually decide not to finish it. Being in a clique means creating and conforming to social norms. This is why hipsters hang out with hipsters and frat boys hang out with frat boys and nerds hang out with nerds. If you were to wear a polo with the collar popped up among a group of nerds wearing star trek/ fandom t-shirts the rest of the group would not be accepting of your choice, but among frat guys this is just fine and vice versa.

In the group of girls all of them critique each other for things like weight, fashion choices. They eat salads to prove that they are committed to conforming to the group's "rules." However, take any individual from the group and take them somewhere that the others would not encounter them and they will likely order a burger. Conversely, if you were to take them as an individual on a date to panera they would order a salad because they are in a space where they risk running into the group and getting caught being non-conformist. (this is also why "non-conformists" tend to non-conform in the same way, they are following their own clique's social rules.)

I get free coffee at the little coffee hut across the street from me for pointing this out to the owner. His business attracts daters specifically BECAUSE it only has 2 tables and there is a 0 chance of running into someone they know so they can feel free to order that 5 layer iced slice of cake without rebuke. But he only cared about coffee and didn't understand this so he literally had empty display cases in his shop.

Dietary choices are just one aspect of conformity and quite frankly while I understand it in theory in practice I never realize when I'm in compliance or violation of social norms until a couple weeks later when I am reviewing my prior interactions. Successfully conforming to these norms is a part of achieving ingratiation to a social group. But it is not the whole.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0xgjUhEG3U[/youtube]

Seriously though, I must ask, why do you want to be accepted? Do you wish to connect with other people? Do you wish to be around people who care about you and who you care about? Do you want to have Facebook banter and be invited to do stuff?

I don't know you enough to be able to say anything more than very general advice, and very general suspicions which may not apply to you. But I do wonder, when you talk with other people and are "pleasant enough", does it feel like you're putting on a front instead of putting yourself out there? Also, as a general rule, is it your wish to live a 100% normal life, and to suppress or minimize any part of your being that deviates from the standard?

This is a tricky matter, I mean, "do not care about what anybody else thinks, be yourself, don't look for acceptance outside", while having some subtle meanings that are very wise and important to take into account, is rather useless when you're having feelings of extreme loneliness, like a void. Social contact is still very important for some people with AS, it is for me and it is for you too. But only the right kind of social contact seems to fill the void. Chatting with your coworkers, does it feel like something you want to do, or like a chore you need to get through in order to have a friendship? I've personally found that trying to do small chatter is draining, terribly inefficient, and as someone told me, those looking for it would find an NT who can do it better. So one possibility is to find other ways to connect with people, to reach out to them, which aren't "normal" but more in line with your strengths. Again, I don't have enough information to see whether any of this is useful, but perhaps it could be

I love that Friendship Algorithm clip - mainly because I once created exactly that sort of flowchart for how to make friends!

Today, for myself, I am increasingly pleased to keep my own company. I find the main challenge in doing so is the near constant messages, direct and indirect, from people and society in general that being "reclusive" is not ok. I must resist internalizing that norm and therefore feeling bad about myself. I did that for far too many years.

hale_bopp - I am sorry your have to go through this. I personally have felt the pain (of being socially excluded) ever since I was quite young. It hurt so much, when I was young. Now, I accept it.

I liked the clip (as I have executed a similar algorithm in my head before). However, I didn't find it humorous or funny. I guess this is probably why I never watch the show.

I do my best to be a friend, but the other person never comments on my posts (or even likes), though I comment and like many of theirs. The other person often says they're "too busy" to reply, but they have plenty of time to socialize with all their other friends--everybody but me.

One friend unfriended me because of what she considered to be "overcommenting" by me (because the married man she was fooling around with was "uncomfortable" with her being friends with me), yet none of her other friends were subjected to any unwritten/unspoken FB comment limit.

I am not sure. I am always nice to people and everyone agrees that I am one of the nicest people they have ever met, but I can't form any friendships either. Almost nobody even knows I have Aspergers

I relate to every comment on this thread.

how very very relatable

Pretty much all that.

I've found it easier to meet new people in bigger cities but they tend to not be the people who look for permanent associations. It is nice but still feels superficial. When I'm out with a rare friend or date and I get the salad it is because there are so many ingredients. It's not a diet, just convenient.

This pretty much describes my life. But at work I have some superficial relationships, but I made everybody get together from my department and go out to lunch once a month, even the one person I don't like, we all just go out and chill. Recently we opened a new department on the other side of the building and one woman was kind of stuck there all alone, so I invited her to come to our lunches because I was worried about her being isolated. So now OF COURSE, she's totally one of them and I'm still kind of on the outskirts. Just as quick as a breeze, she was one of them. How do they do that? What is the deal with me?

At this point I don't get lonely very much because I spend so much time at work around people, but it kind hurts when you always on the outside and you never know why and you see how easily they let others in. And all that crap about if you be a friend you will have friend, nonsense! I mean nobody hates me and they think I'm funny, but I am not one of them at all.

i have had mixed stuff with this

Firstly out of fear of conflict or being fired for differing opion i try to distance myself from people at work, they'll all nice and try to talk to me and such but i try to limit it as much as possible, what if i said something wrong the job is my outlet to social interaction and money i know i limit my social interactions to keep them lol

so if i can't make friends at work where the heck do i make friends?? this is my problem see my previous process to makeing friends was somehow i made friends with person A person A introduced me to person B, C and D who introduced me to E,F,G, and H but now most of them are gone. at school i made some school friends? but that doesn't cross into the rest of my life and now i graduated college.

i was a lame friend anyways they always tried to get me to go drink, swim in a river at night, or other un comfortable things

i know how you all feel though but knowing i'm not alone but still alone doesn't help much

Glad to know I'm not succumbing to madness, thought it was only me. All the people at my job are all friends who see each other outside of work. I ask them what their plans are for the weekend (which even though I'm proud to say public speaking is something 85% of the time I really enjoy) I get nothing. It's doubly infuriating, because it really seems like most everyone likes me because I'm constantly making everyone laugh by the weird and unique things I say (their words). I know the people I work with well from context clues and repeated attempts at active listening. Yet people who are seemingly openly disliked by the entirety of the staff still get drink invites, and I'm left to watch more Doctor Who and Sherlock re-runs trying to convince myself I don't need human interaction, just a T.A.R.D.I.S or a case to solve. I only have one close friend, and he's (like Sherlock) a high functioning Sociopath. Always found it mildly amusing the only person who I feel some kind of connection to also can't fully feel connection. One thing that will ALWAYS drive me crazy with NT's is illogical behavior such as repeatedly (seemingly 100% of the waking day) saying and doing things they don't really feel, mean or think. I don't walk around constantly saying everything I feel, mean and think, but I always do when it comes to the thoughts and feelings of others. Ugh.

do you do favors for people or have something of value they want? Not all socializing has the goal of socialization. Part of what you are seeing may be "networking" i.e. trying to make weak connections with people and their acquaintances for the purpose of acquiring something valuable, usually information or the opportunity for "under the table" deals.

Remember when you were a kid and your mom told you the difference between "friends" and "people who want to play with your toys?" Well let me just say this: no one buys a 64inch plasma screen tv /w surround sound to watch alone by themselves. This also fits with the former point because by being friends with someone who possesses something you cannot have you get to "posses" it by proxy, eg renting a Lamborghini.

I relate to alot of what is being said here. It is frustrating how easily other people fit in and make connections and some of us just don't seem to be able to do it. I have no advice, I can only say that I am another who relates.

I'm often not comfortable in people's company. I feel very much like I don't fit in. I am not sure if they all equally enjoy the things that they are talking about, fashion, movies, music etc, but I listen and think, "I don't like any of these things." I can't lie and pretend to participate by pretending to like what I don't like. I'm not that kind of person. I feel bored and feel the sting of tears in my eyes and a pain in my chest. I remember feeling like that as a child too with other children.