A truly Herculean task.
How about trying more formal practice at being a friend? I was in a 12-step group for survivors of all kinds of odd family situations, and we used to have picnics, go bowling, etc, just to practice acting normal with each other. I also found a councellor who is something like a paid surrogate friend, or a trusted older sibling. Lately, I've found some video clips from the TV show "The Big Bang Theory" and watching "Sheldon" has helped me see how I too was difficult to socialize.
I have tried very formally, methodically in fact but I have yet to be remotely successful. I try to learn a lot about socialisation from TV shows and films but I have been misled more than once but as of now it is my best option.
_________________
AQ 46
Your Aspie score: 173 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 33 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
Dear_one
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Age: 76
Gender: Male
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Location: Where the Great Plains meet the Northern Pines
Did you practice with people who were aware that it was practice, and trying to help? If you are not "up to speed" with a regular, existing group, you'll just get teased until you leave. You might also try caring for a small animal, or volunteering to help with disabled people. Just don't get taken for granted and used for anything long-term if you are not learning what you want.
It would be hard to find those kind of circumstances. Thanks for all the advice, I appreciate it but if I'm honest I'm left feeling more dejected than when I posted the thread.
_________________
AQ 46
Your Aspie score: 173 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 33 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
Dear_one
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Joined: 2 Feb 2008
Age: 76
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,721
Location: Where the Great Plains meet the Northern Pines
That sounds like depression talking, which can be a vicious spiral. Of course it takes more effort to find structured, therapeutic situations, but the regular, easy ones are a waste of time and optimism. Sometimes, all you can do is wait. I had a dozen therapists before finding much of a match.
Have you tried reading some of the other threads here? Maybe someone closer to you on the spectrum has some relevant experiences posted.
Have you tried reading some of the other threads here? Maybe someone closer to you on the spectrum has some relevant experiences posted.
Therapy isn't really for me unfortunately. I have been reading round the forum but honestly, I am shocked at how intolerant some of the other posts are. I don't think I'll bother posting much on here after this.
_________________
AQ 46
Your Aspie score: 173 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 33 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
A bit of quotations here if I may:
I have only one person in my life who could be considered close to a friend but ... I think she only comes to see me out of obligation.
I can't get people sufficiently interested in me to wish to establish a deeper relationship...
most people are so boring
What I found remarkable
a) you belive people can't be interested in befriending you (it is your view of people, your signal that you send outside)
b) you don't really find (most?) people interesting
and maybe you project your own perception of people on their supposed opinion of you, and get (a ↔ b) = nice cross-effect, perhaps the core of your problem
Dear_one felt it too and kindly described it as if about himself: "The urge is there, but not much capacity."
Seeing each other regularly (for good friends anyway), enjoying the other persons company, being there for them in a crisis perhaps.
You felt uneasy describing it. Probably because you felt there is no point in this kind of communication (beside the rare crisis part). No, it can be very nice, but senseless by itself. What do you get by this wonderful pastime? Will the principle "Don't know where we are going and what for, but the road is nice" really suite you?
Core of a friendship is a simple nice use of each other. It may be a cynical view, but there is the true anyway.
If your soul feels cold, you need a friend-Heating-Pad, if you have a low self-esteem, you need a friend-Golden-Mirror, if you are bored, you need a friend-Toy.The best friend is a Teddy-Bear, soft, warm, never rude, you can tell him anything. There are other useful types of friends too (friend-Energizer, friend-Support, friend-Crutch etc).
But if your soul is healthy, there is no problem to open up to anyone, but there is no especial need for it. And you know where you are going and what for, and you call friends those people who go there with you. And you don't need crutches.
Perhaps you might want to define what you really need at first?
PS: In the meantime it is always good to be needed and reliable for people around you.
Unlike many of the other people posting here, I've never really been overtly bullied. I often felt in school that people were simply putting up with me. I was invited to join people's tables on occasion which is a big deal back in secondary school but then I would be ignored and when I would try to participate in the conversation they would continue on as if I'd said nothing or simply stay quiet. I always thought this was strange, I thought about this repeatedly and the only conclusion I can find is that they invited me as an act of charity but then simply didn't want to do any more than that. I should note that I hadn't been diagnosed in school so I wasn't autistic, I was just weird.
I was able to converse, even become friendly (at least, I think) with some people during school and throughout sixth form but I've never really been friends with anyone. I was never really invited to anything outside of school or sixth form. There seems to be some sort of formula to lasting friendship but it is one that continues to elude me while everyone else I know seems to be quite proficient in its use. Even the "awkward" people bond with other "awkward" people, I can't even manage that.
I've read so many books on body language, Psychology etc. and numerous "self help" types about developing stronger relationships, relating to people and so on. All Psychology books tend to either be pseudo-scientific nonsense based on completely subjective perspectives or empirical and reasonable results derived from excellently designed studies which offer absolutely no valuable insights whatsoever. For the record, I think the only valuable insights into human behaviour will be derived from statistical analysis of many people (which will offer no insight into what each person will do, just what the average person would do and is therefore quite limited itself). Many of the books on non-verbal behaviour have been comprehensive, well laid out etc. but it seems to me that there is only so much proficiency which can be gained by conscious practise - the majority is the ability you're born with.
After finishing my A-levels, I decided to take a gap year (I am attempting to work on many aspects of myself as well as learning to drive to help travel to university). Since college ended, I have had pretty much no contact with anyone aside from close family. I stayed in the house for a few months doing essentially nothing, I am now trying to get out of the house more as I find staying in only serves to foster my depression; I leave for my driving lessons and I sometimes accompany my mother when she does the weekly shop but I still have no concept with my "peers". I have only one person in my life who could be considered close to a friend but she went straight to university and I don't get to see her very often but to be honest, every time I do see her I feel guilty, I think she only comes to see me out of obligation, there are better things she could be doing with her life.
To go back to my initial remark, I am feeling like making friends is a truly Herculean task. I feel depressed all the time (despite being prescribed medication to help me sleep which are supposed to be anti-depressants but they haven't affected my mood at all, if anything due to the progression of my depression, I am more depressed. Does anyone else actually find it this hard or is it truly just me?
I was exactly the same but after studying humans with Jessica, I discovered I was an alpha male. I run up to a group of males and a few moments later, they split into two groups, both want me to come with. They also generally try to act tougher with me. I used to think I was bullied butI didn't have any social problems before I started taking pills which effectively deprived them of a leader. This obviously means I wasn't there for my classmates when they were growing up. I was also diagnosed as an asperger so I had to take pills. So nice to see psychologists are THIS compentent. Continuing our research to a utopia, (Jessica is an alpha female) we found that there is no aspergers syndrome because they're exactly the same as normal people. Looks like our compentent psychologists around the world forgot to compare aspergers to normal people. Fear not, just a mistake that could ruin billions of lives. I mean, what's the big deal? s**t's barely worth the effort. I also met the first leader of the army of heaven who said I was of the legendary dragon race. Which would make me about a million years old so I can't really blame anyone for mistakes like this, despite the magnitude. I can blame Lucifer for corrupting Asperger though. We also found that everyone is actually a good person and all fights are misunderstandings. Even bullying. We literally know the answer to every psychological issue humans have. Humans are as they're supposed to be. It's not the people that must adjust to the world, it's the world that must adjust to the people. So pretty much everyone are normal. Except for angelic people. But everyone are created to be the happiest as who they're meant to be. Maybe it's the same with you?