Do you often feel this way when looking at "old friends
This is exactly why I don't use a lot of social media, because even when I try to rationalize that people there are not necessarily showing what their real lives are like on there, it skews my perception of them heavily and makes me feel extremely inadequate and depressed because I don't have some of the things they have.
Social media is not a reflection of real life though, and that is why I don't use it or trust it. Work related social media is useful, but personal mediums, in my opinion, can be extremely damaging to one's sense of self-worth, in that if you are different or even feel different, it makes you feel secretly ashamed of these tendencies. It does a thorough job of hiding what people are actually like in real life, and I believe that it distances people who think differently by reminding them of how much they are not like others, even when you have tons in common with people who gloss things over. It is a living example of pluralistic ignorance.
I highly prefer cultivating individual relationships with people rather than passively viewing the glossed over versions of their lives. I want to know about the troubles they are having with their friends and significant others, the disappointments in their lives, and their shortcomings and inadequacies. I want others to remind me through their interactions with me that it's okay to be human and imperfect, and that it's totally okay to have flaws. I want to be reminded that many of these people, even those who strictly abide by impression management can think for themselves and are human, because they are.
_________________
Given a “tentative” diagnosis as a child as I needed services at school for what was later correctly discovered to be a major anxiety disorder.
This misdiagnosis caused me significant stress, which lessened upon finding out the truth about myself from my current and past long-term therapists - that I am an anxious and highly sensitive person but do not have an autism spectrum disorder.
My diagnoses - social anxiety disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder.
I’m no longer involved with the ASD world.
Last edited by anneurysm on 20 Apr 2014, 8:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I think a lot of the time people just use facebook to show off. I can hardly bear to look at it anymore. It seems to highlight my loneliness and isolation and rub it in my face.
I know social media is heavily biased to only show the good parts of people's lives, but when I cut out facebook I felt so detached from the world. It's the only place outside of work where social interactions happen for me so it seems better than any other options. I even tried joining aspie groups but I found them populated with parents of more affected children, not people like me.
I do look up old friends (from when I was 10!) on Facebook sometimes just to look at their pictures, and they have achieved things that I will never be able to and I would be embarrassed if I got to talk to them again. But all of the powerful feelings of attachment that I had at 10 are still there; I love them just because "That's Hannah!" or whoever; it isn't a romantic attachment at all, but just a very powerful love and devotion to a friendship that we probably only had in my mind (they weren't connected to me like I was to them).
I'll reiterate what I said in a previous thread on a similar topic, for infilove, poppyfields, and GibbieGal:
But here's the thing: those 10 classmates you googled don't represent a comprehensive image of the success of your entire peer group. Let's start at the roots here, first there's the dichotomy between successful careers on one hand and happy family life on the other (of course, not mutually exclusive), for you've said: either lucrative careers or a seemingly successful marriage and social life, as I said (and neither you nor anyone is claiming that) the two are not mutually exclusive, and one is not a guarantee for the other. Of the attorney, the entrepeneur, the doctor, do you know whether or not they're having a happy private life? Maybe the doctor is having an affair. Maybe the bank's vice-president downs a glass of whisky every Saturday night before going to sleep. Maybe the entrepreneur had to bury a child. You don't know!
On the flipside, maybe the ones who are doing okay in the social department and have a great group of friends, feel that they are failing in terms of advancing in their careers, picked a course of education that was really fulfilling for them personally, but struggle to find a job in their field of interest; and now they're considering how to go about re-schooling theirselves to procure that financial security.
And that brings me to my next point: it's harder to google the 'bad'.
And when I say 'bad', I'm not talking about embarrassing old videos and photos of being drunk at parties or crashing your car into a store window at age 22.
The attorney is googlable as an attorney, so is the success of the doctor, the VP et cetera. That's what people put on the internet: look everyone, I'm a great attorney! Please use my services!
You're not going to put on Facebook: "Well, I originally wanted to study paleontology, but I was emotionally struggling while living with my alcoholic father in my late teens, so university kind of went on the backburner for a couple of years, and I scrubbed toilets instead trying to make a buck and when time came around for my enrollment exams, I got this huge fright and I called the whole thing off halfway through." You're not going to see those things online. People present the good stuff online, and if they don't have so many great things to report, they'll just keep quiet about it.
Those 10 classmates you found may have been successful from a certain point-of-view, each in their own respective ways. But they do not provide the whole story; they're keeping the not-so-nice bits for themselves. And among all the other classmates you didn't find online, there may be a lot who are feeling the same as you and me, thinking "Wow, this is not what I had imagined for myself when I was 15".
I googled my friends. I used it to reconnect with them on Facebook (which, though initially met with enthusiasm, did sadly not result in a reunion). I also googled myself. It doesn't yield much, except for my comic book forum profile, and my activities on an Indonesia-related blog. But in terms of how I fare in society, there is nothing. I have no LinkedIn profile. My personal life is ungoogleable. Ergo, as of now, no classmate would be able to find out whether or not I ever got that biology doctorate I was so bent on getting, at least not by consulting a search engine.
So in conclusion, googling your old classmates provides a cock-eyed view of the current state of things, and you must remember that appearances can be deceiving- and the grass is always greener on the other side.
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auntblabby
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There was nearly no one in school I felt comfortable with,
but sometimes, perhaps once in two years, I do look through their social net pages and their school friends' pages.
Mostly I feel surprised.
Half of them got really fat,
many of them got wrinkles,
many of them got kids who don't look like them or their partners,
and some have their current character imprinted into facial features so clear that I 'd rather cross the street to avoide saying hi.
But they don't look intimidating. They look alien and boring, god, how boring.
And yes, it would be uncomfortable to talk to them now, but not for reasons of social worth or whatever, but for there is nothing in common - none at all.
auntblabby
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ASPartOfMe
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^^^^
This
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Professionally Identified and joined WP August 26, 2013
DSM 5: Autism Spectrum Disorder, DSM IV: Aspergers Moderate Severity
It is Autism Acceptance Month.
“My autism is not a superpower. It also isn’t some kind of god-forsaken, endless fountain of suffering inflicted on my family. It’s just part of who I am as a person”. - Sara Luterman
Oh, yes, I understand. Back than I had my own side paths and never went direct ways they used.
But now 20 years later reasons to avoid them are different.
It is not a fear now, but... maybe slight disgust. Not sure but it feels close.
auntblabby
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Oh, yes, I understand. Back than I had my own side paths and never went direct ways they used.
But now 20 years later reasons to avoid them are different.
It is not a fear now, but... maybe slight disgust. Not sure but it feels close.
I was just never compatible with anybody else.
Never at all?
Seems very sound attitude.
Comparing is probably supposed to make us try harder or become better
but usually it just sets an inferiority complex in us.
And to change the mindset later is hard.
auntblabby
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Never at all?
am a hermit now for that reason. I have penpal friends though at least. but it seems no matter how many times I second guess myself, something leaves my mouth which offends other people.
Social media is not a reflection of real life though, and that is why I don't use it or trust it. Work related social media is useful, but personal mediums, in my opinion, can be extremely damaging to one's sense of self-worth, in that if you are different or even feel different, it makes you feel secretly ashamed of these tendencies. It does a thorough job of hiding what people are actually like in real life, and I believe that it distances people who think differently by reminding them of how much they are not like others, even when you have tons in common with people who gloss things over. It is a living example of pluralistic ignorance.
I highly prefer cultivating individual relationships with people rather than passively viewing the glossed over versions of their lives. I want to know about the troubles they are having with their friends and significant others, the disappointments in their lives, and their shortcomings and inadequacies. I want others to remind me through their interactions with me that it's okay to be human and imperfect, and that it's totally okay to have flaws. I want to be reminded that many of these people, even those who strictly abide by impression management can think for themselves and are human, because they are.
Well said. I think your description nails what I as well as probably most people here feel about social media and the type of people we would like to interact with.
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James Hackett
aspie quiz results; http://www.rdos.net/eng/poly12c.php?p1= ... =80&p12=28
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