Mugen wrote:
I have become comfortable being alone so although I do not have many friends and the ones I do have aren't very close friends, it's not a problem any more.
I used to think of it as a huge problem though and I thought I'd share something I learned by looking back on my experiences trying to make friends.
My instinct was to emulate NT's friend forming habits, to do what they do... make smalltalk, slowly add in more real talk... get into interactions by making it seem casual - I used to smoke hand-rolled cigarettes (we call 'em rollies) so I would sometimes ask to borrow a filter from someone who's smoking a rollie, then chill near them and smoke the cigarette. Sometimes not much would be said but that's OK because I'm just smoking my ciggy and other times we'd get into a conversation about something. I found these interactions stressful, awkward, boring... they made me feel like I was weird in a bad way and like I was somehow wrong inside (???)
The most success I had was with pushing my Aspieness to the forefront! I would walk up to groups of cool looking people (very intimidating to me) and just insert myself into their circle with no regard for this not being socially acceptable, throw in a strange greeting (standard would be "greetings, strangers!" or "salutations, fellow humans") and just talk about how weird things people consider normal are. If they were like "what are you doing?" I'd agree with them that what I was doing was weird and talk about how weird it is that it's considered a weird thing to do. It worked for me! I think NTs get weighed down by the social pretense too just not as much as we do, plus most open-minded people seem to enjoy meeting someone a bit weird with an off-beat sense of humour and a strange perspective on things. I often enjoyed playing devils advocate with these groups of NTs and offering a contrasting opinion not because my opinion opposed theirs, but to offer a fresh perspective. One thing I noticed though is this still gets tiring and when you find yourself closing in again and getting more quiet, you should excuse yourself and leave... if you do this and then hang around long enough for it to be too much and start getting antisocial they will think of you as the wrong kind of weird.
TLDR; maybe try wielding your autism like a sword or a shield and push it right up in their face instead of imitating NTs. A lot of them really like it when you do this! It does take a lot of courage though, and you will need to tell yourself you don't care if it goes badly and just throw yourself out there for better or worse.
I find an approach like Mugen's works well for me, also. I'm going to be weird no matter what I do, so I strive for quirky weird rather than the "wrong kind of weird". I more go for interesting looking people. I'm more comfortable kind of existing on dead end jobs in the fringes of society. I don't have the social skills for management. But I've met some amazing friends because I chatted with people outside coffee shops and occasionally have been approached to be talked to. Sometimes it's painful and awkward, but try to chalk that up as social skills practice.
I function best one on one with people or in small groups. Small house parties are some of my favorite things. It's nice if you can meet one friend and then kind of find a few friends in their group you can get along with.
I don't like nightclubs or clubs in general for making friends. Dancing bores me and I like music at conversational levels except in concerts and road trips. I change a lot sometimes and I found if friendships are based on specific interests they tend to fall apart when my interests change. Like loosing religious friends if you change your mind about faith or something...
I recommend avoiding popularity. In my mid-twenties my social skills got good enough to sort of know lots of people. I didn't have time to get close to any of them, and I was constantly stressed out from figuring out the complex nest of rules and people who fight with each other and want to draw you into it and stuff. I am firmly for keeping a small group of close friends now. Much simpler and more fun.
21 Jun 2014, 5:41 am
