reputation ruined by one person

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06 Jun 2014, 11:35 am

I don't know why people say all bullies have low self esteem. All of my bullies are married and have steady jobs. They're not afraid to do things or feel they're not worthy of doing things. I have low self esteem. Like for example i believe i'm not good enough to be in a relationship, but none of my bullies are like that. A lot of them actually believe they are entitled to have a lot.

My story is similar to most of yours. i know and I accept that being shy and nervous didn't help my situation, but that's no reason to be targeted by them.
And this brings me to my first point on bullies...

Bullies are, for the most part (but not always), threatened by you. They believe they are entitled to be the popular one, the leader, call it what you like, and when you come along, for whatever reason, they become afraid of the possible competition and want you out. These are usually the ring leaders and the ones who show you the most hostility.

Drake wrote:

0bey1sh1n0b1 wrote:

Name calling is not enough to manipulate minds.

It is. Especially if the bully is popular. In that case, it really doesn't take much.

And this brings me to my second point. The people who usually follow the leader then become influenced by his behaviour and they start disliking you due to the reputation the leader has presented to them of you. And then before you know it a whole bunch of people are on your back.

I know the intricacies go deeper than this, but in a nutshell, from my experiences i think it's mostly correct.

Drake
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06 Jun 2014, 11:45 am

Yes there are some bullies who are strong, confident, intelligent, popular people. But also maliciously cunning and love a good power trip.

JoelFan
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07 Jun 2014, 7:34 pm

Drake wrote:

Yes there are some bullies who are strong, confident, intelligent, popular people. But also maliciously cunning and love a good power trip.

and they are called politicians ;-)

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infilove
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07 Jun 2014, 10:06 pm

Drake wrote:

0bey1sh1n0b1 wrote:

Name calling is not enough to manipulate minds.

It is. Especially if the bully is popular. In that case, it really doesn't take much.

Exactly, it's amazing how gullible people can be when they look up to someone. It's amazing what kind of people the mass can look up to sometimes too.

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infilove
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07 Jun 2014, 10:15 pm

i_wanna_blue wrote:

Drake wrote:

0bey1sh1n0b1 wrote:

Name calling is not enough to manipulate minds.

It is. Especially if the bully is popular. In that case, it really doesn't take much.

I believe people who have a lot of self esteem still have a tiney bit of insecurity and when poeple are the "ring leaders" or a position of leadership, it is more challenging. It's like how when people say being a celebrity can be tough. It's the same sort fo way. As a result, the tiniest bit of insecurity will jump to the surface as a result of the pressure of being on the top and trying to stay on top. This forces them to have to hyper focus and act on all insecurities. If they see a person they feel could threaten their status, they will have to jump on it by bullying them. The followers also kind of contribute to the leader's feeling that he HAS to bully in order to stay in that status due to his belief that that's what he must do due to others doing the same thing in the past and being liked.

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infilove
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07 Jun 2014, 10:18 pm

Drake wrote:

Yes there are some bullies who are strong, confident, intelligent, popular people. But also maliciously cunning and love a good power trip.

I think this is because some people mistake the faulty belief that happiness, peace, and bliss comes from being on top. I believe true bliss, peace, and happiness comes from letting go of pride and trying to be on top.

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infilove
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07 Jun 2014, 10:19 pm

JoelFan wrote:

Drake wrote:

Yes there are some bullies who are strong, confident, intelligent, popular people. But also maliciously cunning and love a good power trip.

and they are called politicians ;-)

I think many of these people fall into the category of narcissist.

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08 Jun 2014, 1:23 pm

infilove wrote:

will jump to the surface as a result of the pressure of being on the top and trying to stay on top. This forces them to have to hyper focus and act on all insecurities. If they see a person they feel could threaten their status, they will have to jump on it by bullying them. The followers also kind of contribute to the leader's feeling that he HAS to bully in order to stay in that status due to his belief that that's what he must do due to others doing the same thing in the past and being liked.

Oh yes, I agree with you, but I think we need to differentiate between low self esteem and insecurity. Every human being has insecurity. If we didn't we wouldn't work everyday to feed ourselves and our families, or study for an exam etc.

It's my personal opinion that you can't say that the victim and the bully are both motivated by low self esteem. In that case you wouldn't have bullies because no one would feel good enough to bully anyone else.

But yeah I agree, bullies do act out on their insecurities. A lot of the time though I can't seem to understand how someone can be a threat to them and how demeaning others, will be of any benefit to the bully. So what insecurity a "lesser" person brings out in them, and why that person would be seen a threat, I just don't know. I guess it could be a way, as you said, to maintain that status of being a big figure and in charge.

But on the topic of reputation, well yes mines even as a kid wasn't very good. A lot of cultural politics had a lot to do with that. I did encounter "ring leaders" who wanted everyone else to also dislike me. Why they felt threatened by me, I guess I'll never know.

Drake
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08 Jun 2014, 5:02 pm

i_wanna_blue wrote:

But yeah I agree, bullies do act out on their insecurities. A lot of the time though I can't seem to understand how someone can be a threat to them and how demeaning others, will be of any benefit to the bully.

It makes them feel more secure in themselves I think. Not on a logical, rational level, but on a purely emotional one. Makes them feel good and secure, they're in control. If you're insecure, your emotions are all messed up. If you're dominating someone, you're in control and feel secure. Even if it's only temporary, it's an escape from feeling insecure.

It's just my hypothesis, I'm no expert or anything.

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08 Jun 2014, 7:31 pm

I get the feeling this might be happening to me between an acquaintance and a friend. All I can say is if they're going to abandon a friendship based on the poison this person drops in their ears, then the friendship clearly wasn't as strong as I originally thought.

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19 Sep 2019, 8:25 am

infilove wrote:

slw1990 wrote:

It happens to me sometimes, but it's not always lies that they make up about me. Sometimes I said something and they would twist it into something that it wasn't to where it would make me look bad in some kind of way. It's like they would try to make it out like what I said had a different meaning to it and would sometimes make up explanations to people about why I was doing something or behaving a certain way. Like if I avoided someone who would bully me they would make something up like I was doing it to try to act stuck up. I just know this because sometimes they talked about me to where I could here them or someone else would say it to me. There's also some people that would completely cut me off if they were around while someone else was talking to me. Some would also point out flaws, mistakes I would make or exaggerate them. Then sometimes they would just be rude to me and others would follow. It seemed like they would know how to manipulate almost any situation. I would also have trouble explaining it and standing up for myself and sometimes when I would try it seemed like they twisted that around too. I try to avoid those kind of people as much as I can.

Yeah I notice when people do that, they many times will do it in the form that you describe- twisting the truth. It really shows how desperate some people want to bully. I still find it odd wrapping my mind around the fact that some people want to do that so badly. It's probably deep seated insecurity they have within them selves.

That deep seated insecurity is a myth. They are sociopathic. They are testing their ability to control others. They use people like us because we're not a threat to them. Another sociopath would bust them in the face.

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19 Sep 2019, 8:33 am

Concept wrote:

There you go. A person doesn't have to choose to listen to everything another person says. Throughout my life, I was talked about badly right when I was about to make strong connections. These people listened to the one or two that expressed a negative opinion of me only to be consumed later by the same people. They learned the hard way. I too learned the hard way. When I was in high school, I listened to the more flamboyant girl about someone I was fond of. I took the flamboyant girl's side because of my own selfish desires to be a big shot and to pee with the big dogs.
That girl later literally ate me alive and so did her other friends. I still think about the first girl and imagine what a good friendship I gave up just because she seemed a little bit dull - I never really gave her a chance. She was a good person.
Even now, I wish I could run into her in a mall or something and catch up. It's been a long, long, time with lots to talk about. These days, I long for a "dull" friend. I teach this to my kids now.

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19 Sep 2019, 8:34 am

Concept wrote:

This has nothing to do with ASD. People do this to each other all the time in every culture.

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19 Sep 2019, 8:36 am

i_wanna_blue wrote:

Drake wrote:

0bey1sh1n0b1 wrote:

Name calling is not enough to manipulate minds.

It is. Especially if the bully is popular. In that case, it really doesn't take much.

BULLY = SOCIOPATH = NARCISSIST = PSYCHOPATH Never forget this.

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19 Sep 2019, 9:24 am

0bey1sh1n0b1 wrote:

Drake wrote:

infilove wrote:

When I was in 8th grade for example, I was in many classes where I felt like most people initially thought I was pretty cool, nice, a good person and seemed like things could have been increasingly good for me in terms of reputation until one or two people would ruin it for me. They would make fun of me or say something bad about me in-front of everyone in a classroom and suddenly the whole class's opinion about me would change. Change because they heard someone, in which they thought was cool and looked up to, make fun of me. I've always hated that, because it's like things are good for me in terms of reputaton but then it gets ruined by a few jerks. Has that happened to you too?

Looks like manipulation to me.

Manipulation means that you've changed the thought process of others for your own significant gain. He says he "thought" he had the reputation which leads me to believe he was not sure to begin with and has developed a perception. For all we know if he did have a reputation the name calling could have been looked at by others as jealousy and would have reflected badly on the bully. Name calling is not enough to manipulate minds. There is nothing in his story that says to me there was manipulation.

It is manipulation regardless. The problem is that the poster's initial friends either were shallow people underneath or they just simply didn't know him well enough or long enough to defend his reputation.

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19 Sep 2019, 9:35 am

I'm skeptical the OP has looked at this thread in the last five yrs

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