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WaYa
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13 Jul 2014, 4:10 am

FabulousAspie wrote:
If this is already covered in a different thread I apologize. I couldn't find it anywhere.

If someone if crying what is the appropriate response both verbally and physically? I have always had trouble with this and am afraid of coming off as rude or uncaring when it comes to tears.


EDIT: I should've been more specific. What visual things (for example facial expressions, leaning forward/back, eyebrows, etc.)


As mentioned by others, a big part if it is someone you know or not. If it is someone you know, you also have to take into consideration if they have things to deal with (like if they are in the spectrum themselves). There are people, especially in the spectrum, who may cry for no reason at all.

If it is a friend, i'd let them know in some way i'm there, i'd keep my posture as calm as possible and as neutral as possible yet showing some compassion towards them. being calm, relaxed, and concerned expression does make it easier for someone to open up to you, and even if all you can do is listen, just them getting it off their shoulders can be better help than you even trying to offer suggestions or opinions. (doing more than listening does require at least some judgement, like if it's something you can even help with)



FabulousAspie
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14 Jul 2014, 2:56 pm

It's just I've never been good at reacting to other peoples emotions, and I am constantly worried that I will come across as rude. Luckily my close friends know that I have difficulty in this field (I never told them that I was on the spectrum. They just figured out from being around me.)


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14 Jul 2014, 4:31 pm

Say "there, there" and pat them gently on the back. Try not to do it in a monotone voice. Sadly, that's all I have haha. I need help in this area too...



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15 Jul 2014, 11:29 pm

I ultimately have trouble in this area, but I suggest saying "it will be okay" and I'm pretty sure they will be happy



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16 Jul 2014, 7:57 am

If it's someone you know, ask them what's wrong and offer to listen. If they want to talk, listen-- seems to me that it's not about what you say so much as what you DON'T say-- namely anything nasty or dismissive. If they don't want to talk, don't push it.

If it's a stranger, your best bet is to smile a little bit in their general direction and keep walking. In this time and this place, people over the age of about 10 or 12 have generally learned to be ashamed of crying in public, and knowing they've been noticed is likely to make it worse. If you really do feel the need to approach, something like "Are you OK?" or "Can I do something to help you?" is reasonably neutral.

DON'T make nasty comments, or keep trying to start up a conversation.

And PLEASE DON'T do something like panic and call the authorities unless it is clearly, obviously, indisputably apparent that someone is in immediate danger of life and limb. I have had people do stuff like that to me before, simply because I was crying in public; now there are too many days when I can't leave the house because I'm afraid I might talk to loud or cry or laugh wrong or walk funny or something. Our cultural paranoia really needs to end.


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17 Jul 2014, 12:12 am

Quote:
What do you do if someones is crying?


Aw f*k bye.


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Zany
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17 Jul 2014, 5:22 pm

This is actually something I'm good at! I've had a LOT of practice. I've answered this before so will be repeating myself.
If its a stranger, ask if he/she need help. I always do. Or dont. Up to you. If its a friend you should try to be there for that person, because that is what friends do. Remember that you are not expected to solve the problem for the other person, thats not your job, you are only expected to "be there" for her/him.
Facial expression: Pull your eyebrows together slightly, but higher up than if you're angry. Hm hard to explain. Google concerned! :)

When comforting someone I follow these steps, highly recommend them -

Get on their level. Meaning - do NOT try to cheer them up right away, if you do they will feel forced to do so for your sake, and thats not great. I mean, if your goal is to be a good friend and a kind person.
Validate their feelings! Thats important. Like: "Oh wow that sucks/I totally get that you're upset/etc". Show them thats you're on their side, if they are crying because of something someone else did.
Listen and ask questions Let them talk about it, they probably want to. Google active listening! Dont try to change the subject. Asking them basic follow up questions is completely socially acceptable and the appropriate thing to do when someone is sad.
You might not always want to talk about whatever sad thing the person is sad about, but if someone comes to you for support this is an important part of being supportive.
Touching can be good and very comforting to most people when theyre sad. Especially women, i believe... Hugging, or if you're sitting next to them patting their back or something. Comforting gestures, you know. But be careful not to overstep any lines, if someone pulls even slightly away from you or seem tense they probably dont want to be touched.

Soo....Get on their level, Validate their feelings, Active Listening, Comforting Touch


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17 Jul 2014, 5:31 pm

^^^
that is very good advice :thumleft: I will save it.



Zany
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17 Jul 2014, 5:37 pm

Magnanimous wrote:
One of the following:

#1. Absolutely nothing. It doesn't have anything to do with you. It is none of your business. Ignore it.

#2. Laugh. It is funny when normal people suffer.


You dont really mean that though, do you? Do you really respond to suffering like that when faced with it, finding it amusing in some way?
If so, that is truly disturbing and I think you could use some professional help.

Regarding #1 I would like to point out that only caring about things that are about oneself or concerns oneself, is ridiculously selfish. And while all humans are selfish to some degree by nature, acting this way will most likely make a person alone and completely disliked/hated by everyone he/she encounters. And rightfully so.


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17 Jul 2014, 5:45 pm

Zany wrote:
Magnanimous wrote:
One of the following:

#1. Absolutely nothing. It doesn't have anything to do with you. It is none of your business. Ignore it.

#2. Laugh. It is funny when normal people suffer.


You dont really mean that though, do you? Do you really respond to suffering like that when faced with it, finding it amusing in some way?
If so, that is truly disturbing and I think you could use some professional help.

Regarding #1 I would like to point out that only caring about things that are about oneself or concerns oneself, is ridiculously selfish. And while all humans are selfish to some degree by nature, acting this way will most likely make a person alone and completely disliked/hated by everyone he/she encounters. And rightfully so.

but that is all some folk are good for, they either were born lacking the social genes or their upbringing thwarted the expression of said genes. just a thought. I know because I am another one of those "disturbing" people.



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17 Jul 2014, 6:12 pm

auntblabby wrote:
Zany wrote:
Magnanimous wrote:
One of the following:

#1. Absolutely nothing. It doesn't have anything to do with you. It is none of your business. Ignore it.

#2. Laugh. It is funny when normal people suffer.


You dont really mean that though, do you? Do you really respond to suffering like that when faced with it, finding it amusing in some way?
If so, that is truly disturbing and I think you could use some professional help.

Regarding #1 I would like to point out that only caring about things that are about oneself or concerns oneself, is ridiculously selfish. And while all humans are selfish to some degree by nature, acting this way will most likely make a person alone and completely disliked/hated by everyone he/she encounters. And rightfully so.

but that is all some folk are good for, they either were born lacking the social genes or their upbringing thwarted the expression of said genes. just a thought. I know because I am another one of those "disturbing" people.


Yes, fair point! But being amused by/enjoying suffering IS disturbing, though, do you really disagree with that? I mean, it not shaming of something because it differs from the norm, its just...undeniable. Unless we're talking about laughing at people falling down in a funny way, but I feel its clear thats not what I meant :)

Neuropsychiatric science (correct term in english??) seems to agree with you about some being born that way, I have read some fascinating studies on the subject. There is no doubt in my mind that many have no control whatsoever over reacting in a not normal way to the suffering of others. But there is obliviously a huge difference between being a certain way and acting on it. Finding suffering amusing/enjoyable is one thing, something no one has any control over, finding suffering amusing and acting on it by laughing, another thing entirely. The second IS despicable behavior.
99,9% of the population would most likely agree with me.


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auntblabby
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17 Jul 2014, 6:17 pm

Zany wrote:
Yes, fair point! But being amused by/enjoying suffering IS disturbing, though, do you really disagree with that? I mean, it not shaming of something because it differs from the norm, its just...undeniable. Unless we're talking about laughing at people falling down in a funny way, but I feel its clear thats not what I meant :)
Neuropsychiatric science (correct term in english??) seems to agree with you about some being born that way, I have read some fascinating studies on the subject. There is no doubt in my mind that many have no control whatsoever over reacting in a not normal way to the suffering of others. But there is obliviously a huge difference between being a certain way and acting on it. Finding suffering amusing/enjoyable is one thing, something no one has any control over, finding suffering amusing and acting on it by laughing, another thing entirely. The second IS despicable behavior. 99,9% of the population would most likely agree with me.

I don't agree with that particular poster and was disgusted with his statements, they seemed cold-blooded to me, but at the same time I could see myself when I was younger thinking something along those lines. thankfully my brain matured beyond that but I still am very clumsy and clueless as to what to do when another person is hurting. I have hurt myself on many occasions but what I would have found comforting then does not necessarily translate into what other people would find comforting. just like some aspies are born lacking the facial recognition genes/brain parts [face blindness] and must make do with approximate brain structures, so I must make do with less-than-apt brain parts when processing practical compassion. I am positive the poster in question faces a similar situation but has even more of a cognitive impingement in that regard.



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17 Jul 2014, 6:58 pm

auntblabby wrote:
I don't agree with that particular poster and was disgusted with his statements, they seemed cold-blooded to me, but at the same time I could see myself when I was younger thinking something along those lines. thankfully my brain matured beyond that but I still am very clumsy and clueless as to what to do when another person is hurting. I have hurt myself on many occasions but what I would have found comforting then does not necessarily translate into what other people would find comforting. just like some aspies are born lacking the facial recognition genes/brain parts [face blindness] and must make do with approximate brain structures, so I must make do with less-than-apt brain parts when processing practical compassion. I am positive the poster in question faces a similar situation but has even more of a cognitive impingement in that regard.


Im confused now. I think you're making connections between things that I dont think are related.

Like, I completely understand not having an emotional reacting to seeing someone suffer. Not feeling a need to comfort or do anything at all. Or not knowing what to do in those situations. Never said a thing about that. Common aspie thing.
But enjoying it is a completely different thing and is a trait that does not belong on the spectrum. Considering how hard people/experts are trying to change the image of "aspergers=psychopath" i think I'm right about that.


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20 Jul 2014, 3:35 pm

If someone is crying, then I genrally go up to them, and if they seem OK then I touch them on the shoulder from the front which is a sign of affection & understanding.
I'd then say "Are you OK?. I was concerned because you are crying". Usually people "open up" at that point and say what the problem is.
If I can help the person then I will, but often it is stuff that I can't help with. It is difficult to walk away, but if I can't help then that is the best thing to do.


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20 Jul 2014, 3:37 pm

if somebody is upset and I can do something to ameliorate their situation, I will.



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21 Jul 2014, 12:49 pm

If somebody is crying, they don't normally want me to cheer them up.


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