Weddings ... Why?

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I'm not a big fan of weddings and don't get invited to them that often these days, but I attending find them pretty easy and straightforward compared to other social interactions. They all follow nearly the same script and have clear social rules that come with them. The hardest part about weddings for me is all the noise, but that can be managed by going outside to get air and then leaving right after the cake cutting.

Well I was expected at two Saturday weddings in a row this past week and I think I have lost two friends because of it. See Defriended for details of the first.

I did call him and I guess we failed to reach a detente as he hasn't called back or refriended me.

What sticks with me though is that he said I shouldn't have come at all. I guess he didn't know how difficult such a situation is for me.

This past Saturday's wedding (my friend's son's,) I feigned illness and didn't go. I have met him twice in over 10 years. I would've had to take the bus with a transfer and a 10 minute walk, plus I didn't have money for a gift. And frankly, after the previous wedding I didn't see the wisdom in going. Well now this friend isn't talking to me.

So If I go I'm not being responsible, if I don't I'm not being supportive. Urggg. Anyway, at the rate I'm going I won't have but one friend. I think I'm already becoming a bit hermitlike. But the scary thing is that I kinda like it.

I have to admit that I'm not overly keen on traditional weddings either. A lot of the customs don't make any sense to me. But I do understand the idea of wanting to mark an important event by getting your friends and family together to celebrate. I also like to dress up and I think that a lot of people do. It's an excuse to do something a bit different and wear different clothes for a change.

It's like a fancy dress party and the theme is smart clothes. I think my bride friends would not be happy if they knew that I felt like that, but hey ho. I enjoy playing dress up.

The thing that irritates me the most about weddings is that when someone has the guts to do something different at their wedding so many people complain that they didn't follow tradition. Who cares? I know someone who is having a very quiet, small wedding for friends and family and I'm not invited and I couldn't be happier for them. I think that they will have a wonderful day doing what they want, not what everyone else wants them to do and I totally respect that. I like quirky.

A small quirky wedding could be enjoyable.

Eloping to the Turks and Caicos would work for me.

I wouldn't mind eloping to some place where the moose distantly roar.

I understand why they happen, but personally I don't see a difference (emotionally) between being married or not.

It's a sign of being serious about your relationship. Marrying someone gives him/her the massage "I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I am 100% certain. You are the only one.".

Talking about the ceremony. Yeah, I don't get it either. Sooo much money "wasted" for one day of pleasure. You could have done so many more things with it, and enjoy them for a much longer time.
"It all perfectly follows a schedule. Nothing can go wrong."

Exactly ... these things should be more spontaneous.

I think these things are far less about the couple than about cementing relationships in the wider social network. And that's not a bad thing at all.

The reason that there's ritual is so that everyone can go on autopilot and knows how to behave in a large crowd.

As for the 45 minute speech at a funeral...too much. When my grandfather died my mother told me I had 7 minutes to do the eulogy. I talked to the pastor who was running the funeral and he said that was too short - so I bumped it up to 12, which was just about right. And that was for a man who knew everyone, gave public service and was widely regarded as 'one of the finest men you could meet.' I could have gone a little longer. But I'm a very good public speaker and funny. I wish I'd been in an emotional state where I could have improvised a little, but I had to stick to my pre-prepared speech because I wasn't sure I wouldn't break down.

Yeah...that second one was really about the friend, not the friend's son. The idea was that you would be there with her to celebrate on her happy day. In sense it's the culmination of parenting.

Of course, she may not be talking to you just because she's incredibly busy. She's probably helping with the wedding aftermath: making sure all the gifts are tabulated with the right names so there will be appropriate thank-yous sent, dealing with the caterers' bill (usually the groom's parents pay for the rehearsal), entertaining family who've come in for the wedding. If she's at all close she knows you don't have money. Send a card regretting your absence, wishing them all the best as they begin their lives together and, if you can afford it, enclosing a small check with a note saying that you know it's not much but that you hope they'll be able to put it to good use in making their new home. As in so much it's the thought that counts.

Yeah, I totally blew that one. But I think it was inevitable. You're right about "the culmination of parenting" but the thing is that I just don't place any value on that. I think our friendship was already stagnating and this was just the death blow. She has four grandchildren now and is always going on about how "blessed" she is on FB. I really can't stand it. Such is life.