WHAT CAN AN NT DO TO MAKE A FRIENDSHIP WORK WITH YOU

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Here's three of mine:

- Try to say what you mean, and mean what you say.
- Don't attempt to "interpret" what I say, just listen to the actual words, it's probably all in there.
- Don't rock up at my door for a visit without warning.

Answering nurseangela's question: "Can I ask who these people are, what it is they are trying to get you to do and if they know you have AS?"

I am in my 60s. A few years ago I started seeing a psychologist who said "your behavior is consistent with Aspergers". He said I had Asperger traits so I think I do not fully meet the criteria.

I heard that phrase from my parents, friends and coworkers. It is usually when they are explaining how to do something. For me, I think executive dysfunction causes my struggle to grasp instructions and find things ("You are looking right at it. It is right in front of you").

Also, socially. In making people feel worse instead of better or not know what to say to comfort someone. "She is distraught. I don't know why you are not getting this."

People thought I was not trying, was cold and did not care or "not the brightest bulb". One coworker told someone she thought I was brain damaged.

This was all before I went to the psychologist.

Speaking of "brain damage": I was actually diagnosed with "brain damage" in the mid 1960s.

I would let them judge how much alone time they need. You could negotiate with them regarding their learning about your needs.

You could discuss with your friend if he misses you at all but be prepared for an answer you might not want to hear. If he would not miss you, it might not mean he does not value or even love you. There are people I love but I really would prefer to never see again. I don't like interacting in person with anyone except my daughter. Everyone else I would prefer to email. Some people can love others and not enjoy face-to-face interaction. That is only for some people, though.

Honestly just accepting me for who I am is the most important thing anyone could do NT or not.

I would love it if my NT friends would be a bit more blunt about what they are thinking or feeling about me in a situation, both positive and negative. When they react in a way that is ambiguous to me, I'll spend an extended period of time worrying and stressing about whether or not I've done something to ruin the friendship. If I know somebody will tell me, (gently) when I have done something that they didn't like, I'll feel like I can relax a lot more in the relationship, of course that definitely goes for the positives, too. A lot of us are very used to being rejected by friends, so in the early formation of a friendship, and just every once in a while, it is important to do things that affirm that you are still close, like referring to them as a friend when introducing them, or sharing a confidence with just them, and letting them know that. It is much easier for us to be friends with NTs when we are completely secure that we're going to stay friends with said NT.

Also, and this definitely depends on the Aspie, but for me, a lot of the time when I am very quiet, (especially in group settings,) I think NTs assume that I don't want to talk, am being shy, or don't have anything to say. This is never the case for me. Oftentimes, especially in group settings, I have a very hard time joining the conversation, and my favourite people at parties are the ones who direct a few questions right at me to keep me involved in the conversation, but in a way that doesn't feel forced, or that feels like they're talking to me like I'm a child. What I mean by that is that sometimes when people do this, they make the mistake of either talking down to me with their tone, (yes, I can usually tell,) or focusing the conversation on just me, or changing the topic for me, which makes me sort of feel like they know I couldn't jump in on my own, so they've derailed the conversation to something nobody else cares about in an attempt to appease me. I know it's weird, but I don't like that. It's best to find a way to incorporate the Aspie into the current conversation, they may not tell you, but if they're anything like me, they'll think you're a life-saver.