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TheSpectrum
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30 Jun 2015, 3:32 pm

Mostly responding as I love the show Catfish and have managed to catch Catfish for people on gaming forums :lol:

Sounds like while he doesn't want a relationship with you he values what you think of him as a person and looks might come into it. He might consider himself to be very ugly and that's why you haven't seen him yet. This isn't uncommon.

Also, unlikely but not impossible is that he is not who he claims to be in some way but it might be only minor in details, though enough in his mind to be a big deal and he doesn't wanna give that away with a photo.

I think you'll just have to be honest. If you want to see what he looks like you just have to ask and say it won't get in the way of your friendship if he can't send an image but it might mean you'll not share as much info about yourself in future. Friendships after all are built on trust and are a 2 way street.


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nurseangela
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30 Jun 2015, 4:43 pm

JakJak wrote:
As someone who values my privacy, I have to object to the term "catfish" being used here. I think that term is more for those who full on lie in order to get money or lead someone on in a relationship. I don't think it applies to people who just want to remain anonymous online.

You say this guy is just a friend. So if he's talking to you, and you two are getting along, I think the conversations and things of that nature are what matters.. not his pictures.

I can't speak for this guy.. But for me, personally.. I will rarely show my picture to someone I am interested in for a relationship. It takes me a long time to feel comfortable enough with someone to do that. As for a friend, I've had a few online friends for over five years, who have never seen what I look like, and it's never been an issue. I don't like being asked for my pic.. And I especially don't like feeling pressured to give it.

My reason for this is because for me, the internet is an escape from my personal life. I enjoy being able to communicate with a person, and have my words matter.. not my appearance. I was picked on a lot in school, and never really liked myself. When I show someone my picture on here, I don't get the same reaction, but rather I get told that I'm "cute" or that I have nice eyes.. Something like that. And for me, it doesn't really feel good, because I feel like they say that because they can't see the way that I am in person.

I had an online relationship a few years ago, where we'd exchanged pictures and been on webcam and phone together.. And we met in person, after about six months, and long story short, it didn't work out, because I wasn't what they wanted. It's hard to say, but a picture can't show just how "creepy" and socially awkward I am. So while it's really my face, and I'm not faking, the person is still fooled, through no fault of my own.

Internet relationships and friendships are a combination of who we really are and how the person perceives us in their mind. My suggestion is to go easy on this guy and stop pressuring him and accusing him of "catfishing", because that will possibly make him want to pull away from you. Let him go at his own pace and do what he feels is right for him.

If it is important for you to have someone to share pictures with and move at a faster pace, it might be better to find someone else, and let him have his privacy, because it sounds like that's what he's wanting. I advise strongly against digging further in to his life, behind his back. You have no reason to believe he is lying to you.. And if I discovered that someone was digging in my life, for more information than I was willing to give, I would be very quick to hit the block button.


I understand what you're saying. For me, I am very close with my friends and in order to trust them it helps to put a face to a name. Right now, I may have been his friend for 1.5 yrs, but I could pass him in the street and not even know it was him. In my mind, he's a faceless stranger. Now that I know that he took pictures with these people he went to China with and he said he "can see them all being friends forever", it makes me wonder why I can't see these pictures? I had to ask him if he thought that I was a real friend. I had let it go until I found out that he is able to take pictures and have his other "friends" see him. I don't get it. I really don't.

Why do you not want to share your picture with someone you are interested in? I don't understand the secrecy. Some may think that secrecy makes them more appealing, but with me it just upsets me. I stay with the friendship because I am extremely loyal. I'm also getting mixed advice from several different sources - like yours with the picture shouldn't matter and then others saying not to trust him and cut the friendship off. I hate to make a quick decision and cut his friendship off because I have grown to care for him and trust him. This picture thing is getting in the way and the more he doesn't want to show me a picture of him, but is able to show others - it is just like a big elephant in the room of this friendship that isn't getting addressed. I've just given up hope of ever seeing him at all. It makes absolutely no sense to me. He did send me his voice so I know he's not a woman so I guess that is a step towards the positive.


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JakJak
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30 Jun 2015, 9:43 pm

It seems like you might have feelings for him that go beyond friendship. I disagree with a lot of what's being said because it sounds like he only sees you as a friend, which is something that he can't be blamed for. I don't see the importance of pictures in a friendship. Also, he went on a trip with these people, so they know him in person and know what he looks like. Being fake and being a private person are two entirely different things. I'm not understanding why you'd want to walk away from a friendship of that long, when nothing else seems to be wrong. Think of something that is private and personal to you, and then think how you would feel if he'd demanded to see that, in order to stay friends with you. People online seem to forget that there are things such as deformities, burn victims, weight issues, just extreme amounts of insecurity for any reason. If being online and being anonymous is what makes him happy, there must be a reason for it.

I also think that you should be aware that seeing someone's picture, hearing their voice, and talking on cam is not going to prove for certain that he is who he says he is. Even a woman can fake these things. Transgender is also a possibility. The point is.. This is online, and people can and will fake whatever they want. But in this case, it really does just sound to me like he values his privacy. I think if he wanted to be fake with you, he would have been showing fake pictures with you, instead of just not showing any at all.

For me personally, I think that this needs to be a decision about whether or not you want to keep the friendship, while respecting his privacy. If not, then I think it's best to just walk away, instead of trying to pressure him to do things that he clearly doesn't want to do. He does have a right to his privacy, and I think it's wrong to demand more than he's willing to give. I guess that in my opinion, it seems like a trivial thing to abandon a friendship over, especially when there's no relationship involved.



nurseangela
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30 Jun 2015, 10:03 pm

JakJak wrote:
It seems like you might have feelings for him that go beyond friendship. I disagree with a lot of what's being said because it sounds like he only sees you as a friend, which is something that he can't be blamed for. I don't see the importance of pictures in a friendship. Also, he went on a trip with these people, so they know him in person and know what he looks like. Being fake and being a private person are two entirely different things. I'm not understanding why you'd want to walk away from a friendship of that long, when nothing else seems to be wrong. Think of something that is private and personal to you, and then think how you would feel if he'd demanded to see that, in order to stay friends with you. People online seem to forget that there are things such as deformities, burn victims, weight issues, just extreme amounts of insecurity for any reason. If being online and being anonymous is what makes him happy, there must be a reason for it.

I also think that you should be aware that seeing someone's picture, hearing their voice, and talking on cam is not going to prove for certain that he is who he says he is. Even a woman can fake these things. Transgender is also a possibility. The point is.. This is online, and people can and will fake whatever they want. But in this case, it really does just sound to me like he values his privacy. I think if he wanted to be fake with you, he would have been showing fake pictures with you, instead of just not showing any at all.

For me personally, I think that this needs to be a decision about whether or not you want to keep the friendship, while respecting his privacy. If not, then I think it's best to just walk away, instead of trying to pressure him to do things that he clearly doesn't want to do. He does have a right to his privacy, and I think it's wrong to demand more than he's willing to give. I guess that in my opinion, it seems like a trivial thing to abandon a friendship over, especially when there's no relationship involved.


I'm not going to lie. I'd go out with him in two shakes of a lamb's tail if he asked. We have so much in common that I don't get that either - that he isn't interested in more than friendship. Even in the beginning he said that he wished we could date, but it wouldn't work "because our zodiac signs don't match". That's the only reason that I still hold on to the chance of there being more later once he graduates college. He said his parents zodiac signs match and they have had no problems in their marriage. I haven't met someone so hooked on the zodiac that they live their life by it. I was hoping it was just an obsession that would pass. I just don't get it since we have such a good friendship too. It's very hard to find that in a person.

What you said is probably true about him wanting to be private. When I asked him why he was wanting to be anonymous with me when he wasn't with the people he went to China with, he had said that he wished he could have been anonymous with them too. So I'm letting it go. He really put himself out there sending his voice and I appreciate that because it let me know he did care how I was feeling. That meant a lot to me. And him saying that he wanted to be anonymous to them too let me know it wasn't personal.


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JakJak
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30 Jun 2015, 11:40 pm

That seems like a very odd reason to not want a relationship with someone. I think it's possible that he was trying to find, what he believed to be, a nicer way of letting you down. But maybe, if you are interested in a relationship, you could try to tell him that, and see what he wants to do from there. If he doesn't want to have a relationship, then there's nothing you can really do about it. But you'll never know if you don't try.

I am glad you are coming to terms with the level of privacy that he's wanting. If this moves to a relationship level, then I can see where a picture would matter. Just always remember, even if it does come to a relationship, that while you might be reasonable in asking for certain things, it's still up to him whether or not he wants to give you those things. It's up to you to decide if you can handle not having those things and if you want to move on and look for someone who will give you those things. It wouldn't mean that either of you are wrong, just simply incompatible.



nurseangela
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01 Jul 2015, 12:08 am

JakJak wrote:
That seems like a very odd reason to not want a relationship with someone. I think it's possible that he was trying to find, what he believed to be, a nicer way of letting you down. But maybe, if you are interested in a relationship, you could try to tell him that, and see what he wants to do from there. If he doesn't want to have a relationship, then there's nothing you can really do about it. But you'll never know if you don't try.

I am glad you are coming to terms with the level of privacy that he's wanting. If this moves to a relationship level, then I can see where a picture would matter. Just always remember, even if it does come to a relationship, that while you might be reasonable in asking for certain things, it's still up to him whether or not he wants to give you those things. It's up to you to decide if you can handle not having those things and if you want to move on and look for someone who will give you those things. It wouldn't mean that either of you are wrong, just simply incompatible.


No. I'll never again ask him if he wants any relationship besides a friendship. I put myself out there the first time and was turned down and I won't do it again. It will be up to him now to ask for anything more than the friendship we have. And I'm a little leery now to do a relationship with him anyway because if anything went wrong he might want to blame our signs not matching.


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Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
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JakJak
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01 Jul 2015, 12:14 am

I can understand that. I don't like spending that much time around people who obsess over astrology. They end up telling me that I'm behaving in a certain way because I am a scorpio. And if I try to say that I don't think the zodiac affects my personality, they will tell me that I'm just being a typical scorpio.

I don't believe that there are only 12 personality types and the stars decide our fate. I don't mind people who are into astrology, but some are too obsessed with it for me.



nurseangela
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01 Jul 2015, 12:25 am

JakJak wrote:
I can understand that. I don't like spending that much time around people who obsess over astrology. They end up telling me that I'm behaving in a certain way because I am a scorpio. And if I try to say that I don't think the zodiac affects my personality, they will tell me that I'm just being a typical scorpio.

I don't believe that there are only 12 personality types and the stars decide our fate. I don't mind people who are into astrology, but some are too obsessed with it for me.


That's funny because he's a Scorpio too. Scorpios are supposed to be VERY secretive and I must say you are into understanding why he wants to be anonymous. I'm a Taurus and a Taurus is known to be very open and gets very annoyed with people who aren't as open as the Taurus is. It actually says on the Internet that Scorpio and Taurus are very compatible (just not the main 3) and it says the main problem that the Taurus will have with the Scorpio is a dislike for the Scorpio's secrecy and wanting to keep a lot of things to himself and by golly! that is our only problem during our whole friendship. It says if the Taurus will just accept the Scorpio for their secret tendencies then the relationship will be smooth sailing. It's just hard for me because I'm such an open person!


_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.