THINGS NT'S DO THAT JUST DON'T MAKE SENSE!

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Mr. Brightside. You sound like those people who give tour guides at a zoo.



Will do!

Okay, so to get this back on track, what else do NTs do that confuse or irritate the heck out of you?

Come to think of it the way some might smile when, if your like me, and you look around the room or at people and they smile for whatever reason. Recall it being some form of nonverbal communication thing if I remember correctly, but still seems somewhat weird to me.

An I would hardly call myself mr brightside since most of my friends consider me rather depressing at times. I just happen to think from a different perspective which tends to yield some rather interesting results. Now if you tune in next week you'll see what happens when the aspies natural environment is disturbed by a new species who has entered the area.

The one thing that really baffles me?

When an NT says that s/he is interested in my work... but really isn't at all. Then I have to ask them multiple times if they really want to know about it before I get the truth. A questionable method, but--in my experience--that's one of the only things that works.

Why even say that you're interested if you're not?

Something that has never made sense to me is the way NTs socialise with people they dislike, and enjoy speaking about their dislike for them afterwards. This even happens when the dislike is mutual. Dislike has never been a motivation for me to socialise with anyone .

Another is their ability to say genuinely hurtful things, spread gossip or backstab, and then to forgive and forget within 24 hours. As an Aspie, I simply can't keep up with the rate at which NTs switch between trust and treachery.

Looking at this from the outside, I'd guess it was probably the comment about wrist slashing. But I really know how you feel, since I go through the same thing. So often I have people projecting thoughts and emotions onto me--things I've never said and which I don't think or feel. But you can't convince some people otherwise. So often it seems that they don't want to believe the truth, so you have to pretend, but they get offended if they catch you trying to pretend. You can't win. I constantly feel like I'm speaking a different language. NTs seem to constantly want their emotions mirrored, while we're inclined to say what we think.

Oh my. What I say is going to be straight forward, so if it seems rude it's not because I'm trying to be rude.

The "hi how are you?" is stupid. I actually don't do it or I'll say exactly how I'm feeling at that moment. Like at the grocery store if they ask, I'll say "tired" or "hot" or whatever I'm feeling. Before that, that line bothered me so much that I would say "do you really want to know?" That would throw them for a loop. If I don't want to fool around with the person at that time then that's when I'll say "fine". I never ask how they are unless I really want to know. I kinda Aspie when it comes to that line, I suppose. Anyway, its really just a ritual to NT's.

OK. Now the relationship questions. I am going to be brutally honest (hard for me since I'm Miss Etiquette), but if Aspies are going to be in relationships with NT's and want it to work it needs to be told.

The "I miss you". I'm actually going through this right now with one of my Aspie friends. He went to China for a month and before he left I said "I'm really going to miss you." I meant it too. He said "Thanks! It's good to know that someone is going to miss me." I thought, what about me? Aren't you going to miss me? Am I not a good friend because you say that I am, but maybe I'm not really that important to you then. I was hurt - a lot, to the point of crying. Of course, he didn't know he hurt me that much because we are texting, but if he was in front of me he wouldn't have liked my response.

The "looking forward to seeing you". Usually I like staying home too, but I do really want to see my friends too. I say that I'm looking forward to seeing them because I am looking forward to seeing them or else I wouldn't keep them as friends. If I want to stay at home, I usually don't make any get-together dates and I tell them that I'm just wanting to relax at home. Sometimes I have forced myself to be social and it usually comes out good in the end and I'm glad I went because I really do want to see my friends.

NT's have to have their feelings reciprocated, otherwise it feels like its a one-sided relationship. I can tell you that your relationship is not going to work at this rate. I read in an Aspie book once that "NT's need to have certain things done and said and an Aspie shouldn't question whether it makes sense - it just is." That is true. NT's work on "feelings" and Aspies work on "logic".

Now about his songs. It's ok to say that they are depressing, but saying the last line of "wanting to slash your wrists" was totally unnecessary. It's fine to have a differing opinion, but how you choose to say something is what makes all the difference. What could have been said is something like "I think you're a great musician, however, some of your songs come off as being depressing. I'd really like to see you use your talent for more uplifting songs. What do you think?" So then you have said your opinion and ended it with a question to see what his thoughts are on the subject. It's all about the delivery.

You say it bothers you to have to tell him that you care. Do you care about him? It shouldn't have to be a forced effort. If you can't say it and mean it, you need to get out of the relationship because you are making him unhappy. So far, you haven't said anything that you LIKE about your boyfriend. If there isn't anything, leave the relationship.

It's all about positive affirmations. Stroking someone's ego in a way that is positive and truthful. Complimenting. Take my Aspie friends (this is also very true of NT's), I find something that I like about them and compliment them about it every so often - not daily because then it sounds fake to a person. I do this because all people respond to a nice compliment about themselves. Who wants to hear negativity all the time? And I know that Aspies like it too because my Aspie friends get very happy hearing it. If that's one thing you learn that will get you a long way in an NT friendship, it's knowing how to give a good compliment and mean it. If you must point out a flaw in a person, be sure to also back it up with something positive about them.

It's hard for me to explain the friendship thing because it usually just "clicks" with me too. I try to first get along with everyone that I'm around then try to tell who has the same "likes" as me. Opposite "likes" and it won't' work too well because there won't be anything to talk about and "bond" with. Friendship develops over time - at least the true friendships do. The more you learn about a person will "bond" you more to that person. However, you have to actually be interested in getting to know the other person and want a friendship or it will feel "fake". I also at first hold back a little because if you're too much in their face and calling a lot it can scare a person off. It's hard to judge friendships with NT's even for NT's because NT's are great at being able to have a bunch of what I call "fake" friendships - like on Facebook (which is why I'm not on FB). Also for me, the less I see of a person (and I know this is opposite with Aspies's) then that person doesn't mean as much to me. Some Aspies say that they have friends and they haven't talked to them in a year. Not me. My Aspie friends that I talk to and text often I feel a closeness, but the longer the texts go so do my feelings go.

And if you're dating an NT and they stop saying the "I love you", the relationship is going south. I know it's the opposite of Aspies. It may not make sense, but when an NT says it, say it back.[/quote]



Hi
and thank you so much for your long and detailed and honest answer
And nothing sounded rude or horrible, just honest, thank you.

I really, really appreciate it and made me understand do many things. I think I might even print it out, to remind me of a few things. You have no idea how much this helps.

And I can see you picked up on my not being 100% sure, if I want to carry on with the relationship. It's a bit complicated and long-winded and I don't want to bore you with details.

But yes, I'm not really sure if I want to stay in this relationship any longer. I've never heard an I love you, though I stupidly said it once, myself. As I said, it's all rather complicated and right now, I wish I could just take a holiday from being a girlfriend. Sometimes, I just want to be my own person again.

However, never before has anyone tried to understand me and made such an effort to get me and though he's an NT has quite a few autistic traits and we do have a lot in common.

Anyway, I don't mean to use you as my relationship agony aunt!

You have helped me tons already.

Thank you for being on this forum.

The way they (well, some of them) seem to feel the need to talk to each other all the time and can't shut up for five seconds.

For the first sentence, do the people you're doing the favor for know you are Aspie? If so, it is personal. If not, then I couldn't really tell you. I do know from my own experience where I used to work, nurses wanted me to change shifts for them so I did in the beginning, but when I needed to switch I found that they would come up with some lame excuse. I expected them to return the favor and when they didn't, I stopped all favors to anyone in the changing of the shifts. I don't like being taken advantage of. Another thing, some NT's are out for all they can get out of people and when that person catches on, then it's on to the next gullible person.

NT's prefer charming because a person like that makes them feel good to be around. Thing is, they usually find out the person is all talk and fake and will not always be there and dependable. Charming people are also usually in the "in" crowd and NT's want to be popular and a part of that crowd no matter what it takes because then they feel important. What charming people have to offer is only skin deep. Sometimes it may seem like NT's are really liking those kind of people, but some NT's (like me) act nice and polite around the person and after they are gone we talk about how insincere they are. A smart NT can see beyond the façade.

I'll after to answer the last paragraph later - gotta go to work.

Through the last few years, I've collected these observations regarding the Neuro-Typical personality. Some may be applicable in more cases than others, but I've personally observed all of these in many people, and under many different circumstances.

Things that people with Neuro-Typical personalities do that just don't make sense.

• Being alone makes them feel anxious.

• Being unable to take credit for someone else's success makes them feel anger.

• Nothing is ever their fault.

• Repetitive, routine activities bore them.

• The idea that their personal values may not be universal has never occurred to them (until just now).

• The question of whether or not they have anything to say has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not anyone wants to hear it.

• When asked a question, they will do practically anything to avoid having to say "I don't know" in response, even when they truly do not know the answer.

• When people ask them how they are doing, they do not even consider the possibility that someone may actually care.

• When trying to understand the meaning of a comment, they immediately dismiss the possibility that the speaker meant exactly what was said and instead look for a hidden meaning.

• When they ask others, "How are you doing?", they become confused if the answer is something other than "Fine".

More to come ...

They are full of contradictions, especially when it comes to what they want. It gets frustrating for me because I try to pay attention so I can fit in and we can get along. But it's hard when they're always changing their mind.

They try way too hard to appear to be perfect. If you realize you're wrong about something, why not just say that so we can all move on from it? Instead, they try to pretend that they meant their words a different way, when they were just simply wrong, and everyone around them knows they're wrong.

They always seem to know what's best for someone else. I especially hate when they tell me that I just need to get out of the house, and I'll feel better. Some of those times, I'm not even feeling bad. But I know that going out usually makes me feel worse, no matter what my mood is.

Through the last few years, I've collected these observations regarding the Neuro-Typical personality. Some may be applicable in more cases than others, but I've personally observed all of these in many people, and under many different circumstances.

Things that people with Neuro-Typical personalities do that just don't make sense.

• When they see someone reading a book, wearing headphones, or working hard at some solitary task, they get the sudden urge to have a conversation with that person.

• They apologize for other people's hurt feelings, but never for causing them to be hurt.

• They rarely, if ever, express themselves directly and in a manner that can be easily and unambiguously interpreted by anyone who knows the same language.

• They are more concerned with being believed than with being truthful.

• They are more focused on winning an argument than on being right.

• They are so socially adept that they get promoted into positions for which they have no practical knowledge or skills, and no one seems to care.

• They are unable to comprehend why their last-minute requests can not be fulfilled right away, no matter how many times they remind others of who they are, whom they know, and what they do for a living.

• They are unable to separate the concept of "Privileges" from the concept of "Rights", and they often conflate the two.

• They ask questions that they already know the answers to, just to have something to talk about.

• They believe that anyone who interprets what they say in a literal way is either being a smartass or just plain stupid.

More to come ...

Neurotypicals instinctively know life is not about who is right, but who is left. I don't think it's a good idea to turn one's nose up at such built-in wisdom.

Fnord- it sounds like you know a lot of people who have a sense of entitlement. I have met a few in my life and I am probably quite a bit younger. These types of people with this entitled attitude don't seem to think they have to earn anything and that they should be handed what they want.

Based on other things, and for the OP and anyone else here that wants to chime in. I have observed as well the people that never want to take responsibility for their actions are quick to self-preservation. They did something they knew was wrong, but someone else gets to take the fall for them. These people can then decide to "distance" themselves from the person that took the fall for them.

Fnord - yes, your list is fabulous, looking forward to the "more to come".

I'm not getting what you mean with the "influence". I want people who care about me. Do you have an example?

I think he means that people hang out with people in power (e.g., bosses, presidents, managers) so that it might, somehow, "rub off" on them.

Like you hanging out with the DNS.