Feeling unwanted

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Sigh. Add me to the list. Too depressed to go into detail at the moment as it would take hours to chronicle all the times this has happened. Days, even...

It partly goes back, for me, to being bullied at school and left out of kids games because I was hopeless at sports and athletics and very bookish; also, my father was a teacher at the same school. Eventually I had to be taken away from that school and put in another, where things were not so bad - at least I didn't often get bullied - but I still mostly got left out of gruops of friends, ended up sitting or playing by myself, waiting for the bell to end lunchtimes and recess times so that the shame of being by myself while all the other kids were playing, would come to an end. This sort of thing has set the stage, as it were, for me for the rest of my life.

All the time.....sick/hurt lab pet.

I am physically pretty, which perhaps makes it worse, I do not know. I have never done anything wrong, but I am painfully shy. I have one male friend; I love him. He has a family, home, etc. and said he "likes me." He's the only person who likes me. Often, at the lab, for ex., I'll say (or write, I'm nearly mute): I'll go away now.

This just means I sense no one wants me.

I want me so it works out.

I had several highly embarrasing incidents that were caused by my inability to assess unspoken codes of behaviour or growing annoyance from other people.

Typically, I would be annoying in some way, and unable to notice hints that I should stop. Eventually, someone would lose their patience and spell out exactly what I was doing wrong. Discovering I was annoying and unwelcome with (from my point of view) no warning was shocking and dispiriting. Especially since to me, there was nothing I could learn from the failure, and no obvious way to repair relations. I think that in the end, the fear of further rejections ended up doing more damage than the actual incidents themselves.

The core of the problem seems to be that I can't accurately guess how other people percieve me. Even when I talk to someone and it seems to be going well, I'll be secretly worried they're being polite and thinking "God, just stop talking already!". Watching out for signs of annoyance distracts me from the actual conversation, and is stressful, making the activity less fun.

Even when a conversation seems to have gone well, I may decide to "quit while I'm ahead" and cut off the conversation before I blow it. And as well as that, I tend to worry feel responsible for harsh reactions that have nothing to do with me, and are simply the other person being a jerk.

Feeling unwanted has pretty much been a constant in my life. Not just feeling unwanted but being unwanted. I've had plenty of confirmations from people of all ages and walks of life. As a younger person it made me have some self-doubts but as I age I know what they are missing out on. Plus, as I age I find that my own hobbies and interestests are more fulfilling than most people.

I am unwanted.

I got that all the time when I was in school. Now I haven't been told to "go away" except for the internet and I only been told once from someone at work to leave her alone because she thought I was ridiculing her English because I had misunderstood what she told me.

Now I feel my boyfriend doesn't want me because he never calls me so I decided why should I call him. I will call him sometimes but not all the time. He may have told me he gave up calling me because I kept asking him about the LNB but hello, I didn't start doing that until I realized Dish netowrk wanted it NOW so what choice did I have, it had to be done now or I get the big fee I have to pay and it can effect my credit report if I didn't pay it. No way I was going to have my Dad pay for it. We have talked on the phone about other things like what we did today and all and then he tells me he gave up calling me because it was about the piece. But he never called me since the day we split up literaly. He only called me to tell me bad news about my car needing a new part and asking me if I want the LNB still.

I wonder what its like to feel "wanted". Must be nice.

I feel unwanted all the time

Most people don't care if I live or die. This applies online as well as off.

Very few honest people in my life. The kid is one. She once asked if I had any emotions. I said I did, same as anyone, and some wear them on the outside, some keep them within.

It seems there had been other conversations, she wanted my story. It seems some people are frightened of me. I asked what she thought of me. I am her prize posession. She said I was like the dog, a Pit Bull. Some people will not come in the yard, others she will not let in the yard, but most she lets in and wants to play nice with.

The dog knows who is up to no good at a distance. She is always right. She mentioned me looking at people, seems that had come up. I asked, and she said some of her friends were better behaved when I was around, sensing something, but others open up and come talk to me, which was out of charecter for them. Now I see their aspie traits. Ten years later they are still drawn to me, come sit in the yard and talk.
They are 18, I am sixty, but there is a close trust.

The Pit Bull loves me, and I her.

I asked how she felt about me looking at her. She said it was like I looked right through her, saw everything inside, knew everything she thought, and she felt me within. We go way back, as a baby she slept in my arms. I tell her she likes me because I smell right, of her pack. We have always been close, she started the staring contest, and we are tuned.

It seems I am a walking lie detector, some will not get near, others change their behavior, and others are strongly attracted. The kid is pure of heart, the same for her girlfriends that go out of their way to really talk to me, and the Pit Bull rests her head on my knee. When we are together the power is magnified, we all become energized.

The kid got a new Pit Bull, a girl, and the first time she saw me I was her long lost friend. She had been ignoring humans. The kid's mother smiled and nodded her head, another one. Before they had Great Danes, the Alpha female was agressive, it was love at first sight.

Within my pack life is great. It just feels so good to be together.

The rest of the world treats me like I know where they buried the body. It seems my presence brings up hidden thoughts, some run, others get defensive. I did not understand for a long time. Now I have a working theory.

Horses, dogs, little children, like me, liers, the corrupt, flee. I would have it no other way.

We are a tribe of Shamans, we need to self define.