Letting The Real Me Be Seen
I tend to hop from topic to topic. I can be loud. I can also get so excited that I have trouble breathing... So sometimes, I'll have to slow down when talking or just nod and smile. I guess I struggle with expressing myself with some people. Then they pick up on it and treat me...weird. I feel lonely even when I'm in the company of others. And all I'm doing is being myself.
I have problems with this too. In my case it's because I have an extremely poor grasp on who "the real me" actually is. When I first came here someone told me to "love myself" and I thought "That seems a little extreme, I don't even know the guy!"
I can identify some core elements of who I am, but little else. I don't "know" my personality. I don't know me. I do think some people pick up on this and it makes me seem very distant. I cannot share something with others if I don't know what it even is.
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Yes, I have autism. No, it isn't "part of me". Yes, I hate my autism. No, I don't hate myself.
Well, take some time to get to know yourself. I struggled with this in my earlier years. In my 20s, I began developing a knowledge of myself. Start paying attention to things like your fave music and activities. What do you like? What are you attracted to? (As in personality of people for potential friendships.) How do you see yourself? What's your opinion on xyz?
There are a lot of things you can discover about yourself. It just may take some time to fully learn about yourself. It's well worth it, though.
It's sort of debatable if a "real you" even exists. People project images to others, for NTs it's instinctual for aspies it's learned, but almost everyone does it. I mean NT's have a personality for every occasion, I don't think there's much realness to all of that. Can't imagine with 20 personas keeping track of what the real one is.
Also people change. So the "real you" is also always changing.
I've had a bit of this crisis lately as I've had to question this concept in myself.
Years of acting outwardly angry, dangerous and unapproachable have left me with no social circle and makes me question if I've really ever been this way, or I made myself this way out of some misguided attempts to gain control of social interaction. I control the gate and get to determine who can or can't hurt me. But that's a long, long story. Point is it's really hard to pinpoint who we really are, and I'm not sure it's totally necessary. For me having an identity has always been very important.
But to make an attempt, the real you is who you are when you are completely alone with only your thoughts. When you don't have to consider anyone else, any consequences of actions, or need to worry about nothing material. In that state, what are your beliefs, what are your preferences, how do you wish to express yourself to the world.
But even in that, it's hard to not compare what's in you to whats in other people, even if only to have a point of reference. This naturally confuses things too.
It's also entirely possible you don't know the real you because you are very authentic and there was never a "fake you". If you only have one you, by default, it's the real one.
A lot of good ideas there, thanks! I'll give it some thought.
It's sort of debatable if a "real you" even exists. People project images to others, for NTs it's instinctual for aspies it's learned, but almost everyone does it. I mean NT's have a personality for every occasion, I don't think there's much realness to all of that. Can't imagine with 20 personas keeping track of what the real one is...
I don't believe they actually do. Feels like I do, a lot of the time.
In any case, other people are actually critical in identity formation; this is true for everyone, NT or not. One idea I've been going over with my therapist is that my avoidance of others in my teen years has left me with a very weak sense of self. Right now, I'm suffering for it.
I'd struggle to answer most of those questions. Whenever I try, there's bits and pieces I can pick out, a small number of things that stay consistent... but not enough to create a sense of a complete person. For the most part, I have no answers to these questions.
Well it's certainly not that!
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Yes, I have autism. No, it isn't "part of me". Yes, I hate my autism. No, I don't hate myself.
It's probably already been said but, people will react to you differently. Some people may not like you or find you weird, where as other will really like you or like you for being different, find you funny, enjoy your company etc. You just have to take those risks and learn from any difficult experiences and weigh things up. You may analyze things and think you could probably try and work on a few of your traits and improve here and there, but still be you. That's what I've done and am trying to always do anyway.
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"No one believes more firmly than Comrade Napoleon that all animals are equal. He would be only too happy to let you make your decisions for yourselves. But sometimes you might make the wrong decisions, comrades, and then where should we be?"
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