People choosing not to sit in your table?

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eric76
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14 May 2016, 1:02 pm

ladyelaine wrote:
People who were bullies as kids continue to be bullies for the rest of their lives. The apple never falls far from the tree.


I know a number of exceptions to that.



Kiprobalhato
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15 May 2016, 1:20 am

^ as do i. namely, the majority of people i went to middle school with.


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15 May 2016, 10:21 am

There's exceptions to every rule however kid bullies often grow into adult ones.

I like your style, Lady Elaine.



0_equals_true
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15 May 2016, 12:04 pm

In boarding school 16 to 18, I was reclusive I rarely if ever, sat I the cafe. I used to stock up on food and eat in my room. I couldn't eat healthy food as I didn't have access to shops that sold it.

I developed severe social anxiety. Fortunately I was able to overcome it in my mid 20s, although it is always there, I just improved a lot and manage it better.



eric76
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15 May 2016, 8:06 pm

One thing that was kind of strange when I was in college in the 1970s. I always had a preferred place to sit for a meal, often chosen so I could be by myself.

One year when I started grad school a couple of people I knew started sitting with me. Then friends of theirs from their church started sitting there, too. Within a year, that was the primary seating area for people of that church who ate at the school cafeteria. By the next year, there were often as many as 40 or 50 people there many meals.

Since I didn't go to their church, I was sometimes known as "the heathen".

I remember when one undergraduate asked why I sat at their church's table. Before I could answer, one of the original people who sat there told him that I wasn't sitting at their table, they were all sitting at my table.

That felt good.



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15 May 2016, 9:27 pm

VisInsita wrote:
It's not that I don't mind being in my own company, but why I've propably become so conscious of this is that it is done pretty much only when a group, let's say a group of three from another department, enters the cafeteria, whereas when an individual member of the same group enters alone, the person comes to sit with me.

So I was wondering if others perceive this sort of a behavior similarly. I've started to think it must be some sort of power play based on exclusion (bullying). Because most groups and males don't do it in my case (I am a female) and neither do the same people individually.


Okay, I understand what's going on. It's not bullying, it's groupthink. If they're would sit next to you while their friends aren't around, than it means in the very least they don't mind sitting with you, so you could try asking if you can sit next to them if you want. Chances are they'll be willing. What's going on is the people were planning on initially sitting by themselves or something like that, but sometimes they see you sitting alone, and decide to sit with you instead. It's harder for a group of people to change plans like that than a single person, as everyone would need to change their mind. All the other people are concerned about what the other people in the group are thinking, and thus act differently together than they would act alone. So it's not so much that they are trying to snub you, but they are trying to not disappoint the rest of the group by changing their plans. And no, autistic people aren't immune to groupthink either as getting rid of it requires lots of communication, though they'd probably be more willing to be the boy to call out the emperor's nudity and thus change the trajectory of the group.


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Aprilviolets
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15 May 2016, 10:05 pm

I've had this happen to me when I was growing up, I would just take a puzzle book with me to do.