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Would it be possible to turn being social into an obsession?

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BenderRodriguez
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22 May 2016, 11:34 am

B9, that happened after a bad burn-out in my 40s and it was unhealthy to some extent. The information I accumulated then proved useful after I achieved a more balanced state.


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b9
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22 May 2016, 11:38 am

BenderRodriguez wrote:
B9, that happened after a bad burn-out in my 40s and it was unhealthy to some extent. The information I accumulated then proved useful after I achieved a more balanced state.

all well and good then, i forget what i said because it is on the previous page, but it is well that you have resolved your problem.
i am not interested in adding anything else so there is no need to reply to me.



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22 May 2016, 4:31 pm

DataB4 wrote:
ArtGeek, I wish I would have done a little more purposeful experimentation when I was in school; great idea. I could do some of it now, but reactions are so much more subtle in the the everyday interactions of the adult world. I like the idea of watching others purposefully also; I might get some insight into people who are different from me, and also be reminded of all I do correctly. I tend to put myself down every time I become aware of even a minor social mistake, which doesn't fix the problem or acknowledge what's going right.


True, and high school is like a little fish tank; aside from the perils of social media it's fairly closed, so one can experiment more freely. But yes, people watching is so useful, particularly if you can take notes and go over them later to observe trends!

Oh man, I do that too; I think we all need to keep better track of positives. Even NT's make blunders all the time, no one is perfect.



plootark
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23 May 2016, 4:50 am

DataB4 wrote:
As for books, Improve Your Social Skills is a good starting point. At the very least, I suspect it will spark some questions to ask friends or ask here on this forum. The author has AS by the way:
https://www.amazon.com/Improve-Social-S ... B00NJNQ3U6

As for deciding what to say in a conversation, why do you suppose nothing at all comes to mind? Are you going blank because you're so nervous, or do you literally have nothing to say? I find that what I have to say comes from what they say, or I ask basic questions like what they like to do for fun or what they do for work or something like that.

There is a certain logic to basic conversation. Lots of people talk about the basic guidelines on this forum. To summarize an example, a good rule of thumb is to ask a casual question, listen to the answer, respond briefly, and perhaps ask another question. Lots of books discuss what to share, when, ETC, and a lot of it is noticing patterns in the way the other person speaks to see what sort of conversation they might want at that moment. Maybe if you asked a question here about where these loose guidelines break down? All this stuff is far from black and white, but there's logic in there. I think that the prospect of even one close friend is worth the risk of a whole lot of lousy conversations, but maybe that's just me. There must be something you like about talking with people. :)


Awesome, book has been bought!

I literally have nothing to say. It takes so long for me to process what people are saying, that by the time I think of something to say everyone will have moved on to something else.

I find what people generally talk about to be incredibly boring and uninspiring. This small talk thing just seems ridiculous. I realise conversation is a dance and the whole thing is not actually about the weather. But I just don't get any of that and all I get is that it is sunny... which I kind of know any way because I can look out the window.

So this makes me want to talk about interesting stuff, but then I do get nervous because I imagine I'll just start asking lots of inappropriate questions and will start offending people and looking like a general idiot.

It's all very confusing!



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23 May 2016, 4:52 am

ArtGeek wrote:
I had a notebook in which every day after school I would write down my observations: Incidents that happened to me, how I reacted, how other people reacted. Then I would watch the other students and look out for similar incidents - how did other students handle similar situations? Did they have better results than I did?

Good luck :)


That's a great idea! Have you considered publishing your notes?



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23 May 2016, 11:07 am

plootark wrote:
It takes so long for me to process what people are saying, that by the time I think of something to say everyone will have moved on to something else.

This sounds quite overwhelming. I have a relative who has a communication/processing disorder. It's a little easier for her to talk one on one, taking the time to understand and then slowly try to speak. In a group, we try and check in, see if she has anything to say or ask her a simple question to get her involved. If people would be considerate for you this way, would that help at all?

You mentioned that most of what people talk about is uninspiring to you. Are there ways for you to ask questions that might lead to something more interesting than the weather, but not quite as in-depth as, say, psychology? Are you interested at all in people's hobbies, or the stories they might have to share, how something works at their job, or things like that? Or maybe something else casual that relates to their life or their family and friends? I find some of these things interesting, so that helps me enjoy conversation. Also, my goal is always to make some sort of connection, find something we generally have in common, because that can, very rewardingly, lead to the truly important or fascinating stuff when people feel more comfortable.



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23 May 2016, 5:20 pm

plootark wrote:

So this makes me want to talk about interesting stuff, but then I do get nervous because I imagine I'll just start asking lots of inappropriate questions and will start offending people and looking like a general idiot.

It's all very confusing!


There is nothing wrong with talking about interesting stuff, you just need to make sure the other people are interested in what you are talking about as well.


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23 May 2016, 5:28 pm

Yes, that is very true, although it seems as though more and more topics open up the better friends you are with someone. It seems like discussion forum's are the huge exception, and perhaps Facebook as well. Oh, and the college cafeteria is a major exception too :-)



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26 May 2016, 8:33 pm

plootark wrote:
ArtGeek wrote:
I had a notebook in which every day after school I would write down my observations: Incidents that happened to me, how I reacted, how other people reacted. Then I would watch the other students and look out for similar incidents - how did other students handle similar situations? Did they have better results than I did?

Good luck :)


That's a great idea! Have you considered publishing your notes?


Thank you; actually until now I've been wary of even talking about my "experiment." I was always afraid if anyone discovered the notebook it would be confirmation that I am some kind of subhuman robot who analyzes people instead of getting to know them "naturally" and for whom social interaction is calculated and emotionless, which is not the case! I was only trying my best with the tools I had, to paraphrase Louise Hay.

If it weren't for the anonymity of this forum and wanting to help someone, I'd likely not have discussed it here either.

But I'll give it some thought ;) ...it's kind of scary...



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27 May 2016, 9:57 am

LOL....the weather happens to be one of my Special Interests :D



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28 May 2016, 12:36 am

ArtGeek wrote:
plootark wrote:
ArtGeek wrote:
I had a notebook in which every day after school I would write down my observations: Incidents that happened to me, how I reacted, how other people reacted. Then I would watch the other students and look out for similar incidents - how did other students handle similar situations? Did they have better results than I did?

Good luck :)


That's a great idea! Have you considered publishing your notes?


Thank you; actually until now I've been wary of even talking about my "experiment." I was always afraid if anyone discovered the notebook it would be confirmation that I am some kind of subhuman robot who analyzes people instead of getting to know them "naturally" and for whom social interaction is calculated and emotionless, which is not the case! I was only trying my best with the tools I had, to paraphrase Louise Hay.

If it weren't for the anonymity of this forum and wanting to help someone, I'd likely not have discussed it here either.

But I'll give it some thought ;) ...it's kind of scary...


You could publish them anonymously.


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plootark
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01 Jun 2016, 7:38 am

DataB4 wrote:
plootark wrote:
It takes so long for me to process what people are saying, that by the time I think of something to say everyone will have moved on to something else.

This sounds quite overwhelming. I have a relative who has a communication/processing disorder. It's a little easier for her to talk one on one, taking the time to understand and then slowly try to speak. In a group, we try and check in, see if she has anything to say or ask her a simple question to get her involved. If people would be considerate for you this way, would that help at all?



No. That would be terrifying. The whole groups attention would turn on me and I would suddenly be required to not only have an opinion, but also to voice it in a coherent way.

DataB4 wrote:
You mentioned that most of what people talk about is uninspiring to you. Are there ways for you to ask questions that might lead to something more interesting than the weather, but not quite as in-depth as, say, psychology? Are you interested at all in people's hobbies, or the stories they might have to share, how something works at their job, or things like that? Or maybe something else casual that relates to their life or their family and friends? I find some of these things interesting, so that helps me enjoy conversation. Also, my goal is always to make some sort of connection, find something we generally have in common, because that can, very rewardingly, lead to the truly important or fascinating stuff when people feel more comfortable.


I would love to find out these ways. They are the ways of the true master of communication.

It makes me sound quite narcissistic, but I am not really very interested in peoples hobbies or general stories. I find it really hard to concentrate when they start talking about them. After a few minutes of them explaining something to me I realise that my mind has wandered and I have actually not taken in anything they have said. This makes asking follow up questions hard because I am worried I will ask them something they have actually just told me.



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01 Jun 2016, 6:49 pm

Hi Plootark,

I can see how group attention could be terrifying for someone who never wanted it. I think maybe it sometimes works for my family member because before she acquired her communication disorder, she was extremely outgoing.

You said that you aren't normally interested in people's hobbies or stories. Are there any exceptions to this, any way to grab your attention or hold your focus? If there are any exceptions, I was thinking that you might be able to use them to ask questions that lead to deeper conversation than just the weather.



plootark
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02 Jun 2016, 6:32 am

DataB4 wrote:
You said that you aren't normally interested in people's hobbies or stories. Are there any exceptions to this, any way to grab your attention or hold your focus? If there are any exceptions, I was thinking that you might be able to use them to ask questions that lead to deeper conversation than just the weather.


Yes. If they were interested in Go, or computer programming.. ie. subjects I am obsessed about, I would be very interested in talking to them. I think this is largely the problem, I am very narrow minded in what interests me.

So this got me thinking, what if I could become deeply interested in say human psychology or sociology or communication. Then I would find talking to people really interested, not necessarily by what they are saying, but by being able to analyse why they are saying what they are. I could then sort and categorise the communication.



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02 Jun 2016, 5:54 pm

I'm really interested in why people do what they do. Whenever someone tells me a story, I look for that deeper meaning. There is some sorting and categorizing involved, though I've never used those words for it before. Do you share that interest at all, Plootark?

You mentioned Go. Did you get to talk about it when it made the news?



plootark
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03 Jun 2016, 10:08 am

DataB4 wrote:
I'm really interested in why people do what they do. Whenever someone tells me a story, I look for that deeper meaning. There is some sorting and categorizing involved, though I've never used those words for it before. Do you share that interest at all, Plootark?

You mentioned Go. Did you get to talk about it when it made the news?


This is what I would like to learn what to do. At the minute if someone tells me a story I just have difficulty making sense of it enough to follow along. And then it takes even longer to actually think of something to ask. I'm generally just happy that I've thought of something to say let alone be able to make a quantified decision about steering the conversation in a way that will provide me with deeper meaning.

I'm fine with talking about the finer details of Go, best moves of play etc.. I really struggle when I need to give someone a higher level overview of the game. Most of my Go conversations are with people online via chat since this is generally how I play. I find chat much easier because I am not under time pressure to talk and don't need to find cues when it is my turn to talk.

I just generally suck at verbal communication.