Do you have anyone in your life who you can truly confide in

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Hi:
Yes I do. For me it someone who was my bus driver back in the 11th grade for an entire year and we has made friends ever since. I also have some former friends of a family member of mine, a mentor at work, the wife of the leader at my place of worship and a few other members who attend.

Basically just one person. Many years ago, we spent our lives together and i bonded with her more than anyone ever. Now she is incredibly busy and successful and hardly has time for me, but when i do finally see her or talk to her, I'm home and I know I am with someone who sees me and actually knows who I am. In the meantime, I've been working real hard at making new close friends, and I'm mildly successful, but no one REALLY knows me. I know that I am blessed to have that one person, even though she is absent most of the time. Since I do have my person out there, I know that I must try to pay it forward and try to give and be kind to those who could actually use my attention rather than looking to fulfill my own social needs. I'm needy though, and it's hard.

Keep focusing on the positive things in your life and moving forward banana247

No, I don't have anybody in my life who I can truly confide in. As is typical of somebody with Asperger's, I often feel lonely and have feelings of alienation and isolation. I don't have any close friends and I've never had a girlfriend. But I really do want close guy friends who I can confide in, let my guard-down with, and have intense shared experiences with. And I also really want a serious girlfriend. As I have written in multiple posts on this forum, I recently kind of made this guy friend whom I believed I was on the same "wavelength with. During our first meeting in person, he told me that I had another friend in him. I really did believe that he was somebody who I could open up to and who would also open up to me. I thought that I finally had a close buddy. However, my Asperger's-related quirks and flaws soon pushed him to break off contact with me. And I think that he must have some kind of issues of his own which made the whole thing between us worse. I've been trying to patch things up with him, but to no avail so far. If I'm not able to reconcile with him and hopefully become friends with him, then I'm not sure that I will ever find the close friends that I need and want. And if I can't find any close guy friends, then I'm not sure that I will ever be able to find a serious girlfriend, especially one who would eventually marry me.

I didn't for a very long time.

I do now, it's difficult to actually believe you can be completely honest, I mean baring soul honest.

It's rare.

Not the bearing of the soul, but the understanding.

You're lucky you at least feel understood sometimes. I can say that since I've been an adult, I've never once felt genuinely understood by anyone. I had one very close friend in young adulthood who I thought understood me. Friendship lasted a good 9 years. There's something so natural and therapeutic about simply speaking to a person who is listening and is genuinely concerned with your thoughts and feelings. I thought this person but when he finally decided to turn his back on me, he lambasted my entire personality in vicious and unforgivable ways. Awful. He used this information I entrusted him with to insult me. That was 13 years ago and I've never had trust in someone like that since.
I think that's why I started an account here and started posting things. It's a attempt to still find some kind of mutual understanding with other human beings. Back then, I didn't know I was an aspie. I had no idea what it was. When I heard of autism, I pictured Dustin Hoffman as "Rain Man" and knew that that wasn't my situation. But since learning about Asperger's and how it describes me perfectly, I know what's what now. So I love the fact that this site exists. I've still found no one here that understands me and don't think I'm going to, but at least there might be a modicum of greater understanding.

Darn man. Really feel your comment. I think I experience life very similar. It's like, my personality is amicable enough that people are not immediately turned off. Often, people even like me to begin with. I get invited to things. People want to know me more...and sometimes, I try. Then Asperger's happens as I try to get closer with a person or blend into a group social situation. It's these weird little quirks that every NT seems to notice instinctively. And it's so painful because there's nothing I can do to not demonstrate these quirks to people. It's not always what you say, it's what you don't say. A NT reacts in such and such a way if such and such is said to them. Well I don't. NTs have understood rules of eye-contact and body language. Well I don't. NTs understand the unspoken rules of social grace and conduct. Well I don't. NTs chit-chat needlessly about nonsensical topics and consider it bonding. Well I don't. NTs tend to never delve deeply into subjects that are complex and require effort to understand. They just have this natural insouciance. I have to admit, that I kind of admire it.
Obviously, I'm generalizing here and don't mean to sound as judgmental as that all might have come off. The "chip on the shoulder" attitude I have comes from 40 years of living in their world and suffering the constant ostracization that accompanies being an aspie in a neurotypical world. It does stink. It's funny how so many aspies have the same life story. We don't get what others find so unappealing about us. Personally, I don't "get" how the NTs go through their lives not understanding what's happening around them.
They don't care to understand the physical science of the world around them. They don't care about the history of the worlds peoples or how we got to our current state. They don't give a darn about political theories or religions. They refuse to question why they believe what they do or consider other views. But some how, through all of this indifference, they are much happier on average than us. They will never change the way they function to accommodate us and you can't expect them to. And if I've learned anything in this life about myself, it's that I can't change to accommodate them either.
I "fake it" with NTs often. Depending on the nature of the relationship, I can fool some people into thinking that I'm not an aspie. That's when things can get closer and that's when things eventually go wrong. So my feelings are this. If someone doesn't accept you in all of your aspie quirkiness, then don't concern yourself with them. I know that unique type of loneliness that we feel as aspies is devastating, but it's my opinion that it's useless to resist the causes of it. Obviously, this is just my opinion and I am not attempting to come off as some kind of omniscient, wise seer of worlds . Just trying to help if it does cause I've been there. Who am I kidding, I am there.
I get along with people to the best of my ability by recognizing that I'm different when interacting. I accept that they're not going to change or care about my aspergers. I deal with people consciously knowing that my natural reactions might cause them to pull away from me. I never attempt to get people to cross their comfort zone when it comes to conversation or anything else. Simply put, I accept that life is more difficult for me but trying to force myself or my way of thinking into "normal" peoples lives will only result is embarrassment, pain and greater suffering.
I don't think you should ever just accept that no one will ever like you or heaven forbid, love you. It can be done. There are aspies who are married and have relatively decent lives. Lord knows how they do it but whatever. I actually have a few friends. I did make a few of them in later life...the last couple years. And they're (obviously) NTs. One guy is just so naturally happy and optimistic all the time. It's just his natural way. I'm actually kind of shocked that he hasn't turned his back on me yet. But...it might be because of have become so conscious of my behavior. I really value his upbeat personality and friendship, so despite the fact that I'm odd as hell to the guy, I pull back my core feelings about life and what not. If he seems kind of bored and/or nonresponsive to a current topic I'm passionate about, I drop it. If someone doesn't respond when I try to get in touch with them and seems to be ignoring me, rather than getting angry...I drop it.
I get kind of Zen-Buddhist in spiritual philosophy. Just live, let live and understand that pain is real and it's part of life. For us, maybe it's a lot more than most people. I believe that to be true but it's irrelevant. I just find for myself that it doesn't pay to allow all the negative thoughts that accompany my lonely mind to take control of my better judgment. It can be hard to resist the hurt feelings sometimes but it's a discipline. Train the mind and master oneself. Don't know if this post helps at all but...just saying.

TheWalrys435,

Thanks for caring! Your post is very helpful and insightful. The weirdly ironic thing about my situation is that my new friend, if I can really still call him that, just experienced my Asperger's-related quirks and flaws in electronic communications. During the two times that we have hung out in person so far, I interacted with him perfectly normally, except maybe not talking enough the first time we met. This is actually partly why I came on strong to him in electronic communications. I felt bad about not talking as much as I would have liked. I would have liked to hang out with him in person more, but he was really busy with work. This was also part of my problem, as I really missed him when we couldn't hang out. My friend knows that I have Asperger's and that I have trouble making friends. I'm still trying to patch things up with my new friend, because he doesn't understand my Asperger's, even though he may think that he does. I really wish that he had hung out with me in person again before he decided to cut off contact with me. I shouldn't have come on strong to him in electronic communications, but that isn't the real me. This is an obvious example of my generation's over-reliance on electronic communications, including texting and social media, rather than in-person, face-to-face interactions. My friend and I haven't even talked on the phone that much, mostly because he's so busy and has an irregular work schedule. However, I really wish that I had made more of an effort to talk with him on the phone more before it got to the point that he cut me off. I really have become too emotional and obsessive about my problem with my friend, but it's been hard for me not to. There was a strong mutual interest in us becoming friends from the moment we met. And I unfortunately blew it by being an emotionally needy and clingy idiot! But as I wrote in a post on this forum yesterday, I really have to start listening to the voice of reason when it comes to dealing with this problem and all other personal problems that I have. It may be the only way that I solve my problems wisely and successfully.

Glad to help a fellow aspie out. Just one question though, why do you think you act in a clingy way? in my case, when I act that way (and believe me, I have often in my life), I think it's because that feeling of being uncared for is so hurtful and soul-destroying, that I subconsciously am doing everything in my power to avoid it. And then, feeling acknowledged by another person allieviates that feeling. But of course, if the person is keeping distance from you, for whatever reason, acting clingy makes it worse every single time. Then some hurt feelings cause some hurtful words, and then it all goes to h3ll.

I have a couple of friends who I feel like I can confide in. It's hard to find people like this though.

quick answer, no, no-one.

I don't know for sure why I acted clingy. I guess it was because I liked him a lot and had developed strong feelings of brotherly affection for him. He had been so nice and friendly to me when we first met. I don't think that I've ever had anybody treat me the way that he did when we first met. However, I'm not sure that he really fully understood or appreciated that. Unfortunately, I've also never had anybody treat me the way that he did when he angrily cut off contact with me. It was like night and day. It even seemed stranger than fiction.

It does sound strange, but maybe for people like us, it's not. I say that because usually when my friendships dissolve, it's out of thin air. I'm not aware of anything particular that I could have done to have offended them. We don't have a fight or anything 99% of the time, but out of the blue, they just cut me out. Then the process of feeling hurt turns to resentment which then turns to anger... And then I say something to them that isn't very nice. Now they cut me off completely even if they hadn't before, and in this scenario, I now feel horrible for having acted out and I feel as though I am the one to blame for the falling out. The rationale being that I said something that was hurtful, and they didn't really say anything that was hurtful. It was the way they just cut me out of their lives like a cancerous tumor without even letting me know what I had done wrong… If I did anything wrong. Unfortunately, this is pattern in my life, not an aberration. I wish I could tell you what you did wrong or what I did wrong but I really don't have a clue why this happens to people like us. I do believe that it's an Aspie thing. It's my opinion that it's our kind of social grace that turns NTs off of us. At least we can talk about it on this site with people who are at least more likely to understand.

Short and sweet. Same here. I'm actually a little surprised that a higher percenteage of people on this thread are saying that they have people they can genuinely confide in.

Well I unintentionally offended my friend multiple times. After every time that I offended my friend in electronic communications, I tried to do my best to not offend him again. But I still didn't do a good enough job for him. The last time that he contacted me about a month ago, which was about two weeks after he cut me off, he told me that I didn't respect his wishes and feelings. But I don't even know for sure what his wishes and feelings were. After my friend cut me off, I unfortunately continued to come on strong as I tried to make up with him. But I never said anything that wasn't nice. I have always tried to be as nice and friendly as possible in my messages with him. However, none of my messages have moved him yet.

Well I unintentionally offended my friend multiple times. After every time that I offended my friend in electronic communications, I tried to do my best to not offend him again. But I still didn't do a good enough job for him. The last time that he contacted me about a month ago, which was about two weeks after he cut me off, he told me that I didn't respect his wishes and feelings. But I don't even know for sure what his wishes and feelings were. After my friend cut me off, I unfortunately continued to come on strong as I tried to make up with him. But I never said anything that wasn't nice. I have always tried to be as nice and friendly as possible in my messages with him. However, none of my messages have moved him yet.[/quote]

Well, I really can't help you with this one without at least hearing a more detailed explanation of the events. It's just a little too vague to be able to understand the nature of your friendship with this person. When you say, you insulted him, was it because you were just being straight-forward about your observations or opinions about him? I ask that because I know that that's an aspie thing. I do that. Just too upfront and honest...for example, if someone says they're trying to start a new career doing such and such, rather than just saying, "that's nice, good luck", if I know of or have heard of something bad about the career choice, my natural go to is to just tell them the negative things I've heard. And it seems that many NTs find that honesty to be rude. You're supposed to lie and everyone seems to just agree to lie to one another about anything unpleasant. It's so unnatural to me to do that.