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We as Aspies should stop trying to make friends/relationship

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superaliengirl
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05 Jul 2018, 3:56 pm

I think that's a very negative way to look at things. I have never had a problem making any type of relationship work and when I have it's my own fault for not having the energy to constantly be there for people so in the end I rather them leave me alone than me having to bother when I don't feel like it but i'm trying to work on that.

I also have a very good friend with aspergers who is very socially active and has several friends he hangs out with often, he's happy as long as he gets to take his time to rest after. I think mindset is key. With a negative mindset it can only go wrong. My social aspie friend decided early on to never let his diagnose stop him and he has a great life now, i'm working on doing the same and it goes slowly forward for me too. Don't give up. Maybe you've given the wrong people your time. There are other aspies who would get you and there are even some NTs who accepts us, mostly introverted NTs though. Start by accepting who you are, it doesn't sound like you have as you've made this decision that all of us should just stop trying. It sounds like you think all aspies are destined to be alone which means you have a negative view on your own diagnose. That will never work out.



HistoryGal
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05 Jul 2018, 4:01 pm

How old are you, Aliengirl? Rick probably has a lot more experience than you. The people you think are your friends when you are a teenager often aren't.

Rick could just be venting or just frustrated.



rick42
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05 Jul 2018, 4:24 pm

superaliengirl wrote:
I think that's a very negative way to look at things. I have never had a problem making any type of relationship work and when I have it's my own fault for not having the energy to constantly be there for people so in the end I rather them leave me alone than me having to bother when I don't feel like it but i'm trying to work on that.

I also have a very good friend with aspergers who is very socially active and has several friends he hangs out with often, he's happy as long as he gets to take his time to rest after. I think mindset is key. With a negative mindset it can only go wrong. My social aspie friend decided early on to never let his diagnose stop him and he has a great life now, i'm working on doing the same and it goes slowly forward for me too. Don't give up. Maybe you've given the wrong people your time. There are other aspies who would get you and there are even some NTs who accepts us, mostly introverted NTs though. Start by accepting who you are, it doesn't sound like you have as you've made this decision that all of us should just stop trying. It sounds like you think all aspies are destined to be alone which means you have a negative view on your own diagnose. That will never work out.


The problem is even other Aspies have rejected me when it came to friendships and especially romantic relationships,tho they weren't rude or nasty towards me unlike non Aspies. Sure a few Aspie are lucky and get to make friends or have romantic relationships,but unfortunately that's not the case a huge majority of Aspies. Personally, I see all NT people as the same regardless if they are extroverted, introverted or even people with other Neurological issues besides Autism/AS, and they have absolutely nothing in common with Aspies at all,so there that.Lets be honest,a huge majority of Aspies will never get to experience a friendship or romantic relationships,and that is just sad and harsh reality for us Aspies. Each day, I'm increasing thinking that being a hermit/reclusive is a better option for most Aspies than to continuing to try be social, and try to build friendships or romantic relationships, and always getting rejected or bulled as a result.



ladyelaine
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05 Jul 2018, 4:30 pm

I agree with Rick and HistoryGal. Friends formed in childhood often don't last into adulthood. Teenagers tend to often not know how to identify real friends. Making friends gets harder as you get older especially if you are on the spectrum.



whatamievendoing
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05 Jul 2018, 5:31 pm

rick42 wrote:
As sad and harsh this sounds,friendships and romantic relationships are a NT (non Autistic/AS spectrum) thing, and only a small minority of Aspies will ever be in a true friendship or romantic relationship due to our lack of natural social skills.


In that case, I'm happy to be part of the supposed minority.


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Richard_the_ Dogged
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05 Jul 2018, 6:28 pm

There are various videos and programs which purport to show people how to make friends and start intimate relationships. As I see it, these programs are disingenuous and amount to just more abuse being perpetrated on the marginalized.

Adolescent peer culture is harsh. If you are not seen as having status in it, none of that stuff will work.

So one video shows how to ask a girl out on a date, in the waiting room of a doctor's office.

Well, in the waiting room of a doctor's office that might work. But in high school, no way. And in college, often not that much better. These are really hell realms.

So the idea that some special remedial teaching is needed, is just more abuse.

What is needed is a way out of those hell realms.



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05 Jul 2018, 6:33 pm

ladyelaine wrote:
... Making friends gets harder as you get older especially if you are on the spectrum.
It does not get impossible, though.



Richard_the_ Dogged
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05 Jul 2018, 6:48 pm

I think we need to set up our own institutions and social realms. And that is easier as one gets older.



rick42
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05 Jul 2018, 6:58 pm

Fnord wrote:
ladyelaine wrote:
... Making friends gets harder as you get older especially if you are on the spectrum.
It does not get impossible, though.


Technically speaking no,however it's close impossible for people on the spectrum to have friends the older we get to due non stop rejection and isolation. The few Aspies that have any friends past 20 years old are very lucky.



rick42
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05 Jul 2018, 7:02 pm

Richard_the_ Dogged wrote:
I think we need to set up our own institutions and social realms. And that is easier as one gets older.



Overall,I agree but we are only 1% of the population. I'm not sure how it's going to be done.Until then,being a hermit/reclusive is probably a better option for us Aspies, then trying to be social and trying to make friendships/romantic relationships and get rejected each and every time.



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05 Jul 2018, 7:05 pm

rick42 wrote:
Fnord wrote:
ladyelaine wrote:
... Making friends gets harder as you get older especially if you are on the spectrum.
It does not get impossible, though.


Technically speaking no,however it's close impossible for people on the spectrum to have friends the older we get to due non stop rejection and isolation. The few Aspies that have any friends past 20 years old are very lucky.


It’s not impossible if you put forth some effort and look in the right places.

What are you interested in? There are often groups that people can join that are centered around a specific interest - comic books, board games, video games, etc.


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05 Jul 2018, 7:06 pm

rick42 wrote:
superaliengirl wrote:
I think that's a very negative way to look at things. I have never had a problem making any type of relationship work and when I have it's my own fault for not having the energy to constantly be there for people so in the end I rather them leave me alone than me having to bother when I don't feel like it but i'm trying to work on that.

I also have a very good friend with aspergers who is very socially active and has several friends he hangs out with often, he's happy as long as he gets to take his time to rest after. I think mindset is key. With a negative mindset it can only go wrong. My social aspie friend decided early on to never let his diagnose stop him and he has a great life now, i'm working on doing the same and it goes slowly forward for me too. Don't give up. Maybe you've given the wrong people your time. There are other aspies who would get you and there are even some NTs who accepts us, mostly introverted NTs though. Start by accepting who you are, it doesn't sound like you have as you've made this decision that all of us should just stop trying. It sounds like you think all aspies are destined to be alone which means you have a negative view on your own diagnose. That will never work out.


The problem is even other Aspies have rejected me when it came to friendships and especially romantic relationships,tho they weren't rude or nasty towards me unlike non Aspies. Sure a few Aspie are lucky and get to make friends or have romantic relationships,but unfortunately that's not the case a huge majority of Aspies. Personally, I see all NT people as the same regardless if they are extroverted, introverted or even people with other Neurological issues besides Autism/AS, and they have absolutely nothing in common with Aspies at all,so there that.Lets be honest,a huge majority of Aspies will never get to experience a friendship or romantic relationships,and that is just sad and harsh reality for us Aspies. Each day, I'm increasing thinking that being a hermit/reclusive is a better option for most Aspies than to continuing to try be social, and try to build friendships or romantic relationships, and always getting rejected or bulled as a result.


No, just because you are lonely doesn't mean that you have to become a recluse in your room. Rather, find some things that you are interested in and don't focus on the relationship piece. Even if you go to a meetup based on your special interest and start talking to people who you can relate to and then go home. Maybe also find some clubs where you can go and just enjoy the topics and have doing activities you enjoy. For example, I went out of town recently and enjoyed going to a planetarium by myself and it was great.



disconnected412
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05 Jul 2018, 7:14 pm

I have a wife, but I don’t think I have any true friends



kraftiekortie
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05 Jul 2018, 7:24 pm

How'd you meet your wife?



rick42
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05 Jul 2018, 7:30 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
rick42 wrote:
superaliengirl wrote:
I think that's a very negative way to look at things. I have never had a problem making any type of relationship work and when I have it's my own fault for not having the energy to constantly be there for people so in the end I rather them leave me alone than me having to bother when I don't feel like it but i'm trying to work on that.

I also have a very good friend with aspergers who is very socially active and has several friends he hangs out with often, he's happy as long as he gets to take his time to rest after. I think mindset is key. With a negative mindset it can only go wrong. My social aspie friend decided early on to never let his diagnose stop him and he has a great life now, i'm working on doing the same and it goes slowly forward for me too. Don't give up. Maybe you've given the wrong people your time. There are other aspies who would get you and there are even some NTs who accepts us, mostly introverted NTs though. Start by accepting who you are, it doesn't sound like you have as you've made this decision that all of us should just stop trying. It sounds like you think all aspies are destined to be alone which means you have a negative view on your own diagnose. That will never work out.


The problem is even other Aspies have rejected me when it came to friendships and especially romantic relationships,tho they weren't rude or nasty towards me unlike non Aspies. Sure a few Aspie are lucky and get to make friends or have romantic relationships,but unfortunately that's not the case a huge majority of Aspies. Personally, I see all NT people as the same regardless if they are extroverted, introverted or even people with other Neurological issues besides Autism/AS, and they have absolutely nothing in common with Aspies at all,so there that.Lets be honest,a huge majority of Aspies will never get to experience a friendship or romantic relationships,and that is just sad and harsh reality for us Aspies. Each day, I'm increasing thinking that being a hermit/reclusive is a better option for most Aspies than to continuing to try be social, and try to build friendships or romantic relationships, and always getting rejected or bulled as a result.


No, just because you are lonely doesn't mean that you have to become a recluse in your room. Rather, find some things that you are interested in and don't focus on the relationship piece. Even if you go to a meetup based on your special interest and start talking to people who you can relate to and then go home. Maybe also find some clubs where you can go and just enjoy the topics and have doing activities you enjoy. For example, I went out of town recently and enjoyed going to a planetarium by myself and it was great.


Well that's true that I don't need any friends/girlfriend to go out,but to me going places(outside of work or maybe to a restaurant twice per week to order take out)can lead to even more loneliness than if I just stay indoors.



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06 Jul 2018, 7:38 am

So it sounds like you being around other people will make you sad because you see them with other people and if you do make a connection, they will only be acquaintances who will make their plans with other people but not necessarily invite you.

To occupy your time, do you have any hobbies? For example, I like to write and do things related to vlogging on youtube in addition to building my skills in math.

Also, do you have any skills that you could show off? Such as drawing, photography etc? What you could do is show those off in a portfolio so people will stop looking at your weirdness first.