Would people assume I am gay if I am 39 and single?

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It's not the 1800's, you're not going to be analysed by Victorian high society for being middle aged and a scandalously single bachelor. Plus, it's 2019, who cares anymore tbh- if you wanted someone to Richard you down you could

Actually, thats the part that makes it worse. If I were to live in a homophobic country then I would say "well, since nobody is harassing me, they probably aren't assuming I am gay". But here in the US I can't say that. So how do I know whether they assume I am gay or not?

Or here is another example. When my mom's friends go to the restaurant they put the money at the restaurant table and then leave before the waitress ever has a chance to collect it. When I go to the restaurant by myself I never do that because I am afraid of what if waitress doesn't get it and then I get blamed. But in the company of my mom's friends I don't stop them from doing it since I figure "well it will be on them not on me". But in any case, they keep going to the same restaurants and they clearly aren't being refused service. So I guess they are fine and I don't have to obsess about their past actions. But you see, the way I "know" they are fine is that people who don't pay get refused service, and they don't. But if restaurants didn't refuse service to the people who don't pay then I wouldn't ever be able to know whether they got their money or not, and then I "would" be obsessing about it.

Do you see my point? The fact that there is a punishment for not paying provides a confirmation that "yes we paid" -- and in the same way a punishment for being gay would provide a confirmation "no people don't see me as gay": in both cases the confirmation comes from "lack" of the punishment in question. But if nobody gets punished, then there is no such confirmation.

Now, if you ask me why it is so important for me not to be perceived as gay, here is why. Due to Asperger people perceive me as all kinds of bad things. So probably one of the very few ways of reassuring myself is saying "well, at least they don't perceive me as gay". Not that being gay is "worse" than the other things they perceive me as, but at least it is "the one thing that I don't have". But then again I guess it "is" sort of worse -- precisely by the virtue of being that one thing I don't have. But if I don't have an assurance that people don't see me as gay, then I guess I can no longer say that.

And the other reason why it is important is that I remember, 15 years ago, when I was starting my Masters program in Minnesota, I was going to be a teaching assistant (TA) so we were doing a teaching training. At some place in that training booklet they mentioned the issue of "minority students" and one of the "minorities" they covered was gays. In any case, they actually wrote a definition of that particular minority: namely, "someone who EITHER is, OR perceived to be attracted to the same gender". So that "or perceived to be" part always bothered me ever since. If they were to just define it as "someone who is attracted" I could say "well I am not attracted so I am not gay". But the "or perceived to be" part makes it impossible to say that: how do I know I am not being "perceived" that way? I mean I can't follow people and listen into their conversations!

P.S. As a side note I am a Christian so my religion teaches against homosexuality as well. But I guess as far as religion goes, God knows I am not gay so whether people mistake me for one or not doesn't really matter as far as God is concerned. That's why my concerns center more around the secular issues I just described.

I still have one of the two roommates from that dorm on my facebook -- although I haven't been talking to him ever since I left which was like 3 years ago. Do you think its a good idea I message him and ask him that question? Or do you think if I do that then it "would" make him think I am gay: why else would I be obsessing about it for that long? Or should I talk to him about some other subjects and then bring it up later on when the friendship develops? What do you suggest?

I can only speak for myself, but I wouldn't assume you're gay at all. More and more NT people are discovering what we knew all along, that is that people are a pain in the ass!

I think that way of thinking has gone out of fashion.

Why would "not drinking" be associated with being gay? That makes no sense to me at all. So what if you are gay. So what if you don't drink. They sound like they are very narrow minded. I wouldn't bother chasing their opinion.

To answer your original question, no I wouldn't assume that at all. I'm single and older than you are, but to the best of my knowledge no one thinks I'm gay. I agree with what Persephone wrote.

Obviously I can't read their mind, but I can think of my own theories of what they "might" have thought:

1) Perhaps its because men drink more than women, so the fact that I don't drink would make me effeminate, aka gay.

2) Maybe they didn't actually "think" I was gay but, instead, made that comment in order to challenge me to drink (since prior to that they kept actually asking me to drink and it didn't work so maybe they thought of something more clever that might work). But in this case I have another concern. Even if they didn't think I was gay "when" they made that comment, what about the fact that I totally ignored it (I was in my room and didn't get out)? Would they take it as my confirmation that the comment was right -- thus "start" to think I was gay afterwords?

3) There was that guy whom they "did" think was gay (I know that guy exists since they told me about him). But you see, the "not drinking" part would probably rule him out since I was the only one there who didn't drink from the sounds of it. I guess I never met that guy so maybe he didn't drink who knows. But you see, during those other times when they were trying to get me to drink they acted like I was the only one who wasn't drinking, and that is what would make me think that any "not drinking" comment would automatically pertain to me.

By the way, yesterday I finally gathered courage and asked this question over facebook to one of ex-girlfriends of my roommate from there. She didn't remember that incident at all: the most she could say is "people say stupid things when they are drunk" -- but she assured me that nobody thinks I am gay.

I guess the person who would probably pay more attention to those types of things would be that roommate, as opposed to his ex (and I have him on the facebook too) but I just don't have a courage to ask him this kind of question since I keep thinking "what if he will suspect I am gay 'because' I asked". As far as his ex I don't even know her that well. The only reason I asked her is that she is the only facebook contact that I have from back there other than that roommate himself. Well, I guess his ex is a good source too since she participated in most of those drinking parties (and she had casual sex with him even after their relationship was over).



The problem is that "if" there is a gay rumor, it would spread. So even if "they" aren't worth it, if I take their collective public then it would worth it.



Well, if someone had past marriage or, better yet, kids, then it won't look gay. But in my case I never been married in the past either, and don't have kids -- which is why I am concerned. I do have ex-girlfriends from the past though. But they are few and far between, and when I bring them up people ignore it. I dont even know if people believe me when I said I had girlfriends or if they think they were imaginary girlfriends. And, last but not least, usually I don't have any opportunities to bring them up. The past marriage or kids would be far more solid and thats what I don't have.

But what about your situation? Perhaps the reason others don't suspect you are gay is that you "do" have this type of solid history to back yourself up? Or is your situation similar to mine?

To happily get on with life in this world one needs to not care what others think.

I don’t think anyone will assume your gay, based on what you’ve said in the thread so far. Most of the stories you told either just seem like run ins with someone /hoping/ you were gay, which is quite different, or like you might have over thought a bit and fallen down the rabbit whole of “what exactly are other people thinking of me?” And the answer to that question is always gonna be “exactly what you don’t want them to” if you ask it to your self.

So my advice? Unless you ask directly your not going to get a for sure answer to the question “do other people assume I’m gay” so there’s no point in trying to find an answer through deductive reasoning.

Also: This is me being genuinely curious, so feel free to not answer but why do you care if people perceive you as gay?

Some people married someone of the opposite sex. But they are closeted gay

Homophobia

Stigma

So what?

Regardless of what you do, someone will make wrong assumptions


It is not wrong to be gay . At least, not any more than it is wrong to be straight


What is wrong, is homophobia


s**t

So it seems like in parts of the email you say they don't think I am gay and in the other parts you say they do? So which one is it?

The part where you say they don't think I am gay is the following:

while the part where you say they do is this:



I guess there is also the third part where you say you aren't sure



So I am not sure what to make of it.



Because I care about how people perceive me in general. And since in a lot of areas their perception of me is negative, I wish I could say "well at least they don't perceive me as gay". That, plus also being gay sticks for life while other things don't. So if people, for example, think I am not hard working, then they can always hope I will be hard working later; but if they think I am gay, then they would think I will be gay my whole life -- big difference.

First of all, I am a Christian, so yes I think being gay is wrong. But taking the religion aside, let me answer you from the point of view of moral relativism. So for the sake of argument lets say that being gay is controversial: it may or may not be wrong. Now, if people falsely perceive me as gay, then their liking of me would be based on their opinion on that controversial issue, and I don't want that. Now, its true that if I say I am Republican or I am Democrat or I am Libertarian or whatever then their liking of me would also be based on their liking of those respective groups. But you see, I can always change the political party, but nobody can change their orientation. So I don't want to put on myself some LIFELONG label that would follow me wherever I go, if that label doesn't even apply to me. Labeling myself as an aspie is one thing since at least its true, but labeling myself as gay is totally different and its not even true, so I don't want to label myself with something thats not true.

oh sorry! iI didn't mean to be unclear, I wasn't making a judgment of whether you were gay or not, I really could not care less. What I was trying to say was that you can't control what other people are going to think or assume about you, and worrying about it and trying to guess if never going to give you an answer that makes you happy. Not everyone is going to think the same think about you, some will base it off of conversations, some your past relationships, some on something as inane as the type of shoes you wear. My advice was less of an answer to your question (sorry) and more of a statement that the question doesn't really have a for sure answer.




ah, the confusion here is that I don't see being gay like that, it's not a positive or negative thing for me, just a thing that people (including me) happen to be. It seems inefficient to make character judgments on things people can't change, like saying "well at least I'm not blond" your not bringing yourself up so much as putting others down (obviously not directly but in your perception of the world).

I wasn't asking you whether I am gay or not -- I was asking you whether others see me as one -- and your answer seems to give opposite messages (see the previous response that I made where I compared your quotes)



Well, being blond doesn't carry nearly as much stigma as being gay does.

Here is another thought that occurred to me. We all heard of closeted gays that marry opposite gender in order to hide their homosexuality. But if there are people that are straight and single, why was it necessary for them to marry? Is it because

a) Being single "does" make a person look gay

b) There were other things that betrayed them as gay, which had nothing to do with them being single, and so they have to marry in order to "make up" for those other things

c) Nobody thinks they are gay either but their own knowledge about being gay keeps them worrying that others found out which they didn't

What is your take on it?

I guess, as far as myself goes, like I said, I am straight. *BUT* if the answer to the above question is "a" then this would imply that I am being seen as gay, too. After all, "a" implies that everyone (regardless of their actual orientation) that happen to be single are being seen as gay.

I'm lucky to have always lived in places where being gay wasn't an issue.

This coming Friday I plan to skype with one of the professors at a different university regarding a paper he helps me to write. I plan to skype from my office in the department. Do you think -- if they don't pay attention to conversation -- they might assume that I am gay? I think I will tell my officemate that I am about to skype with my professor so that she knows its a professor -- but what about people passing by on the hallway?