Breaking with family

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It amazes me to see so many families that are so terribly ignorant about AS. Since I'd never known anyone like myself before I came to WrongPlanet, I always assumed my parents and their bigoted garbage were a rarity, and that most families actually did research and tried their hardest to help and not to drag down. Even after eighteen years of proving to my parents that I am in many ways far more competent than they are, they still treat me like I'm a helpless ret*d that was never meant for this world.

My parents diagnosed me with AS at an early age, but never bothered to tell me to my face. Instead, I only overheard it in a conversation, as if I wouldn't have been able to understand anything. Since then, they've used a combination of disbelief when I'm able to easily do things that some people with AS "can't do," and disgust when I can't do other things. You'd think people who were so good at diagnosing AS (I'm actually closer to PDD-NOS) would have a better idea of how it affects people.

It's a good thing my brother is one of those people who doesn't judge on the basis of labels. He's always treated me like an equal and a friend. I'd probably be completely nuts by now if I didn't have him as a reminder of the worthlessness of my parents' behavior.

Nomaken... you should have seen my face when I read your first paragraph....

And then when I read the second. Ironically, my first thought was, 'How are we gonna arrange transport costs?' Not that I want my parents dead, but if I did, that would be the biggest issue for me...

But no it's allright about arguing with my parents. I like to fight my own battles, but thanks for the offer. You're the kind of person I like to be friends with; kind and caring, and willing to stand up for a friend.

Arguing to my parents probably wouldn't work anyway. Arguments are always won by whoever can reach the highest decibel level before the other gives up. And, my parents would know it was me who told you, thus any anger you project onto them would be forwarded on to me, two-fold.

But I really do appreciate the offer... actually where you even referring to me?? Just occured to me that you might be referring to someone else....

"Have you actually been diagnosed? Or are you thinking that you might have it? If you haven't actually been officially diagnosed with Aspergers, then I can understand their denial; there is no proof. But if you HAVE been told that you have it, then I guess you and I are in the same boat."

Ah, well perhaps I should explain. With or without AS I have many "comorbid" conditions which are the driving force behind my attempt to determine the root of their cause. Irrespective of the origin or cause of these 'problems' they clearly exist (um.. I guess they cannot easily observe my mind... the push me and I am the point where I am willing to push them far far away with the same force and disrespect they use against me...) Honestly, I think they just don't care anymore, they are tired of dealing with me and just regard me as a failure. It does not help that one of them is similar to me (or I am similar to them). The person in question is quite abusive verbally and has been for all my life (I wake up most mornings in a state of fear feeling the echoes of shouting). Unfortunately I am turning into the bastard they are. It is the only way to defend myself against the endless attack. But now it is in my head, with or without the presence of the person in question.

This isn't a matter of proof, merely finding the right label. I have one of my parents who decry the use of labels and who is savant like and NT in social operation. This person just does not 'understand'. The one who does understand is vicious and has revealed they had even stronger AS style traits as a child. The person's father (my grandfather) is AS and then some. The viciousness comes partly from the grandmother I believe.

In any case, it does not matter why or what label to apply. Those problems which are very consistent (not somewhat) with AS have persisted and worsened for me. Having someone to make things worse does not help. Add denial that anything is wrong (standard operating procedure for them in even the most blatant phsyical matters that cannot be denied) and you have a wonderful mixture which is potent force for demoralizing, destroying, and leading me down farther into the shadows of what life 'should have been like' without regard for its true composition.

When you say the above, do you mean that you continue an interior dialogue, sort of arguing with them in your mind, a sort of re-hashing of old arguments, though not running along the same course as prior 'real world' arguments?

I hate it when people talk about me behind my back but I really hate it when people talk about me in front of me. I mean, do they think I can't hear them when their right in front of me?

oh, this may not be easy to describe. I just wake up with the feelings, like I had dreamed the fights over again and it stays with me throughout the day. When I say in my head, it is not like I can hear it, I simply remember the countless nonsense I have endured with them. Its just the many bad memories that are hard to escape. You sometimes remember 'messing' this up or getting yelled at for that.... like reliving the bad things from time to time. Unfortunately there aren't too many good things to 'relive' or remember.

I don't have some interior dialogue with them, I just remember the endless stream of previous ones and the feelings attached to those. I don't even think I would classify it as an argument, most of it is irrational - they won't even give problems the time of day - they ignore them and usually end up just yelling. Its an unnerving feeling that recurs more than anything else. The memories of the past reinforcing it all.

I suppose it would be nice for them to even awknowledge problems so there could be dialogue.... but alas, nothing but dread comes back to me.

I'm in the same boat you are. My mother used to talk to me in a patronizing, condescending manner, as though I were a silly, stupid child (even after I became an adult). She treated me as though I could never possibly survive on my own or know what is best for myself. She abused me physically, mentally and emotionally as a child and a teenager. I have tried to talk to her about how I feel about that, but she denies it. And sometimes she doesn't deny it. The only time she doesn't deny it is when she says, "But I had no choice but to abuse you! You were such a difficult child, and you just wouldn't learn!" As if thats a legitimate excuse for treating me so horribly. I also recall plain as day her telling me that if I did not obey her, she would send me away to strangers who would do horrible things to me, like burn me with cigarettes. Thining back on it, she's so vindictive that I think she really would have.

Since I have moved into an apartment with my AS boyfriend (I am AS also), and confronted her on the matters stated above, she has managed to convince the rest of my family that I and my boyfriend are trash. She has them believing that my boyfriend turned me against them all. There had come a time when I had to tell a family member of the abuse I suffered after my mother told her that I had accused her of abuse. My mother is a very manipulative person (whom I suspect suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder) and can easily wrap anyone around her little finger. Needless to say, this family member said, literally, that she thought of my mother as a saint and that I had better not talk about my mother that way in front of her. She did not believe me, or even give me the benefit of the doubt when she had not even been around in my life for more than a few years (she only accepted me after I had a diagnosis. Before, I was just a spoiled brat to her. It was that way with everyone in my family). She had never seen how my mother treated me at home. My mother is very good at fooling people.

I have since broken off all contact with such damaging people.

I came to term with my family a few years ago and they learned to quit putting my down. However, we are going through this with my husband. I have known for years he needed to make the break for his own mental health but intill this year he has always excused their behavior.

I have the upmost compassion for your situation and all I can say is that our lives have been happier and easier since we put our parents "in line". Also I have a whole lot less meltdowns now that I don't have to playact for families (which made it worth everything). On that note the kids are happier at home with us and don't seem to miss the others that much. As for your wife it would probably be easier on her as in-laws can be stressful even without AS being involved.

This is pretty much how my parents treat me. I feel as much attachment to them as I would to people I see regularly on a bus. In a couple of months, I'll be moving into my own apartment. What scares me is that I don't know if I'll even any desire to contact them again. On one hand, they're my parents, and they've built what I have now (materially and mentally). On the other hand, they've been mistreating me all my life, making me feel like s***. It's not my nature to forgive, but I guess I'll find out when I move out.

My mother was verbally abuse toward me while growing up. Every move I made was always the wrong one and I paid dearly for it with her calling me "stupid" or "crazy" telling me she felt sorry for me having such a defective mind. Although neither of us knew that I had Asperger's at the time, she had many traits of AS and I think she took her self hatred out on me since I was a reflection of her.

Although she's apologized to me, is horrified she would treat me like that and now thinks of me as one of the smartest people she knows, it still hurts like hell not to have had much of a mother (nor father since both step and biological fathers rejected me) growing up. Sometimes, you have to learn to be your own parent and best advocate for your well being. That's at least one good thing that came out of all that, learning to love myself and live my own life my way without anyone's consent.

How do you all know people don't pay attention to the facts about AS?

it makes me sad to hear how many people were mistreated, or simply misunderstood and not accepted, because of their AS ... or whatever else you may be tagged with.

I am the NT mother of a son, now 18 and on his own, who went through years and years of scrutiny and analysis and evaluation because of his behavioral problems. My biggest regret in life is that I didn't understand enough about it to see he got the help that would have HELPED, instead of being given a variety of meds for a variety of ailments. Our situation was complicated by my divorce from his alcoholic father, and his subsequent years and years of avoidance of my son's problems. And I was no saint of a mother ... I was often angry, frustrated, depressed, and the dynamic of that combined with my son's problems was a nightmare.

I hear alot of anger about not being given a diagnosis when it was known .... I find myself in a serious relationship with a man, 39, who I am certain has AS. I think that would be news to him ... and I don't know what to do, how to approach it.