How do you define a "Friend"

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friend ,, i see has turned at some point here it might seem to merely be someone
whom maybe a aquaintance that does not abuse you or bully you ? this is odd.. to me..
Persons whom inspite of not being directly or indirectly related to you .. Merely has possibly avoided .
Abusing you insome intentional way ..?

Being a person on the spectrum , Have had seen some of the worse things a person can do to you and still be willing to go on with ones own life . albeit have considered that perhaps have been foolish to have gone on ..
So defining a friend may be somewhat subjective . People have actually go on for many years , watching you ,/ me ,to find a way to advantage themselves
playing along , at your expense , even to the point of your life or life of aloved one (NO THIS IS NOT A EXAGGERATION) .albeit thinking i had known them well ,

but who was i , to judge a friend . after all having had little to no experience with that .Having Seen people get to know you and gaslight you right along till they see someway to get advantage over you by manipulating situations around you . Have seen these people will corrupt persons whom might have possibly been a friend .. This person working with someone else to do their dirtiest dirty work through effective manipulation. Was not suppose to be aware of these efforts , even after the crime had been committed . And was suppose to fall under her spell of , what she thought was effective manipulation on a grand scale. It took me months to figure out what happened and was not in her proximity .. And in incredible grief . Nothing could repair this damage . it went on and on Ad Nauseum.

Psychopaths have almost innate ability to do this , it has appeared to me. Much to my great heartfealt sadness and the cost of the life of my husband .

It took them 8 yrs to gain my confidence..and my husband had attempted to keep his distance from them . And subvert my own brother .But they made the score of a lifetime, Almost all acquired possesions of a lifetime , and the life of my lifemate.
All on account of someone a genuine psychoPath a woman whom had unique manipulative ability and was patient . So back to whom do you call friend .Now another woman , whom is good at it , this time , she could make anyone believe her intents are Altruistic..but over period of time , you will notice odd discrepancies, subtle if you ask the topic will appear to change .. very subtley .

.These people took 18 yrs total of my life , and still will not leave me alone , if you run into one of these types of NTs move , leave no forward. Keep a diary of your interactions with them or potential ones , write down any inconsistencies you cannot resolve .
Did not follow my own advise here , or advise of others concerning these types of NTs , wish had known this earlier .. Have engaged them in a stupid fruitless legal battles ..ongoing . They can appear to manipulate the truth in court even. to a point where must give up all i have gained in my life .
possibly once more .. have interacted with persons like these 2 seperate women and did not recognize a distinct lack of honesty or remorse in them. Aspies appear to be the best targets for these types.
(Term human woman) is used loosely here as these do not seem humane.

Can someone with Asperger's determine a friend ,
This is a very good question.. will be interested to see the qualifing answers .. cause even being older
Am not so sure , i can any more ..

Qualfier here / disclaimer: There is life in all things , my late hubby taught me to look for SunDogs, they still appear , and so do Double rainbows . But you do not see them if you do not look .

Dictionary definition takes precedence


But for me, a friend is someone biased in your favor

No, teasing is bullying. Verbal bullying.

Just because they are words, not punches, they don't hurt less.

Bullying us abuse. Verbal bullying is verbal abuse.

The very fact it was so bad you felt like you had to move schools shows how bad the bullying was, how intimidating it was.

@hurtloam, what you say is true. I forgot that verbal abuse is still bullying. I suppose I will say that it is not the most severe form of bullying. There are much worse degrees of bullying, in fact, bullying is even worse in community based societies like Japan, China, and Korea. If you are bullied, you are bullied by everyone, the teacher, the students, everyone joins in. You should read some articles on bullying in these countries, it's horrifying. All the normal people in these countries, think that it's good, well it's good until you don't fit in. At least in western countries, differences are tolerated, even if they aren't accepted. (Sorry I got off-topic)

My point is that there are degrees to bullying and we should focus our attentions on more severe forms of bullying before turning to verbal abuse. (For example, slut-shaming, virgin-shaming, physical assault, Social media harassment, and peer pressure to do drugs or alcohol.) Most of the bullying I experienced was only on the level of teasing, it never escalated and soon went away, because of that, I am quite lucky. Even though it's true that I shouldn't have been teased in the first place.

Someone who cares about me and who I care about too. I know now it cannot all be one way.
And caring is shown.

And they need to give you good vibes and hopefully likewise. Vibes are more important than anything.


Morals and stuff.. a lot of people act like they have morals but they aren’t deeply embedded..but often people who from external appearances may not seem like they have moral high ground compared to others are actually better people ..


example is my friend in one high school in Canada who over time became drug user and began dating boys who were wayy older than her eg university and up ages...

And she also did art lessons with me just to keep company and all kinds of things that only a real friend would


she then spent little time with me as she was mainly with her friends over time who did drugs but she would often get me to join them and always ant d me to hang out with her too but then...

I felt I was making people not as comfortable and friendly as they barely knew me

I only connected to katie so I would back out ..in a polite way just excuse myself and sort of told her once that u lnow your other friends were having so much fun till I came and she was protesting but I said I just think u should have fun with them and if I’m there u are trying to hard to make them socialize with me instead.


but she wd also join my friend group and my friends were standoffish to her too. Polite but reservedand two of them didnt like her at all because how she dated thirty yr olds etc.

anyway she said to me once that I was her only non druggie friend who still treated her the same and iwas a real friend. but thats hecause I know it was simply a crucial crutch for her at the time given her parents divorce n the waythey treated her,

I was also worried for her and scared but in my heart I also knew if i said somethinh she wd not listen and i know she would overcome it. I hope she did but I feel strongly she did.

I would consider mutual caring to be part of the definition of a close friend. But that mutual caring takes time to develop, at least in my experience.

Following are what I regard as the foundations of friendship:

1) Companionship: Enjoying each other's company. In order for this to happen, both of the following are necessary: (a) liking each other as people and (b) having either shared activities that you both enjoy or shared interests that you like to talk about with each other.

2) Emotional support, including sympathy and a feeling that you are free to be yourself around this person.

3) Doing favors for each other. It is generally best that these favors be few and small at first -- small enough that you won't feel resentful if the favor isn't reciprocated. (It gradually becomes safer to do bigger favors as the friendship deepens and both people are assured that it's mutual.)

4) Comradeship: An emotional bond formed by facing common challenges together. Extreme example: war buddies. A more common example: teammates on a sports team. Another, less common example: political activists working together for the same cause.

A friendship is off to a good start if it involves at least two of the above four foundations of friendship. The more of these foundations a budding friendship has, the closer the friendship is likely to end up being.

A close friendship additionally involves caring about each other's well-being. The more you and your friend care about each other's well-being, the deeper the friendship.

An important question is how we, as autistic people, can find ways to make it easier to experience the foundations of friendship without stressing ourselves out or burning ourselves out. I'll share my thoughts on that question in some future post, perhaps in another thread.

Apparently it's 'really sad' to ask the way that I asked when I was a kid. I always thought it was a neutral question, my mum said it was sad I felt the need to ask other kids that.

As an adult I don't think I have that many because I define it very closely. And I've had quite a few new ones over the last year. They're someone who you can spend all night talking to about anything. People who have your back. Platonic version of lovers, non related version of family. Someone you really care for.

I think most people just call their nice acquaintances their 'friends'. Conversely though, I think they call their not nice acquaintances their 'enemies'. To me, an enemy is someone who actually hates you and vice versa and I've only had one of those in my life despite having been bullied as a kid.

Signs of a real friend
1. They will like you no matter your flaws
2. They will support you through your good and bad choices and even if they don't agree with what you are doing
3. Even when they don't need a favor, they communicate with you
4. They are with you through and good and bad times
5. They will make every effort to come to your get-togethers- unless they aren't able to make it
6. They will never make plans and then bail
7. Nothing else and no one else will be too important for you
8. They are interested in what is going on in your life
9. They will be very kind
10. They share their personal lives with you and vice versa
11. They are a trusted bond

What's not a friend
1. An acquaintance - someone who you talk to but don't get beyond that
2. They constantly complain about your flaws
3.They always "Way too busy" for you
4. They only contact you when they want something but otherwise ignore or ghost you
5. They don't share personal information with you
6. They are passive-aggressive with you

This is a good insightful concept of friendship ,, am agreeing .

this quote should IMHO be in the dictionary next to the entry "friend" -

...the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away. - Dinah Maria (Mulock) Craik

Wow thanks for sharing. How beautifully put

AGREED

IMHO there aren't enough such friendly people in our world.

My problem was I would always treat everyone like they were such people--

if it was one on one (apart from groups). Me plus that person.

Which is unsafe as they might not actually be trustworthy and actually be malicious and manipulative.

Someone that talks to me that listens, and I would do the same for him or her, someone who talks to me outside of work and doesn't always want a hand out.

agrees , but found many NT folk seem to think friendly , appears to be synonymous with sucker . Or perhaps worded too strongly , 'future possible target ' .
disclaimer: Opinion generated by too many seriously deleterious negative experiences .(WITH PEOPLE POSING AS a friend)