Quick question: are we ultra humble, modest, or unconfident?

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Just learning to say "thank you" and moving on took me a long time to learn.

There's also a longer answer, involving an acknowledgment of the reciprocal and inter-connectedness of two humans. I don't think I can articulate it. If done skillfully, it leaves both parties feeling whole.

my problem is that i can't eliminate the uncanny-valley-ness of my social niceties. rather like the difference between sugar, and saccharine.

I had to look up the term uncanny valley - thanks, I like learning new words. I suffered the same but over time my idiosyncrasies were pointed out to me and I worked on them. I was monotone until my 30s, I only learned to accept a compliment 10 years ago, smiling wasn't natural, etc. Now I interact with people easily, it's very natural.

In regards to the topic - unconfident. How can you be confident if you're always confused?

I get it. Can still be that way, especially if I am tired or stressed or really don't like someone. It was mostly hospice work that forced me to learn it better. I could do it because it was for the benefit of someone else. (i.e, I couldn't have done it just for myself.) and also such an important time in that person's life. When one is dying or a loved one is dying, any offer of compassion or understanding is so welcome and/or they are so consumed with the quite real drama in their lives, they don't notice my social awkwardness.

that [situation] is a saving grace for sure. there is this tv show on CBS about an aspie doctor ["the good doctor"], if you have seen glimpses of it in adverts or promos, does his character remind you of yourself?

It took me a while to learn to respond to a compliment with a simple "thank you".

In general, I consider myself quite modest, but I've often been accused of being arrogant. This is proably because I don't play NT mental games, one of which is faking humility and hiding one's knowledge of a relevant topic.

An interesting way to frame the question. I watched one episode at my husband's request. I wouldn't say the doctor reminded me of myself, but I found it painful to watch. Hmmm, said Dr. Freud.

there is another aspie doctor on tv from across the pond, "Doc Martin" [PBS] that i cannot watch because i want to punch that man to mars. the behavior of his character infuriates me and stains me by association.

^ I saw one episode of that (assuming it’s the one with Martin Clunes) didn’t realise he was meant to be on the spectrum: thought he was just meant to be an a***hole.

Many Aspies experience a significant amount of bullying including name-calling when we are young. Sometimes we are given a compliment as a joke and then they laugh at us afterwards for falling for their joke. We have a hard time detecting deception. As a result when we receive a compliment, we pause, try and determine if the compliment was real or false. It can put us under stress. So generally we just shrug it off.

I was always suspicious of the intent behind a compliment. But now I just say thanks - much easier. If it wasn't an occasion I had a problem with gifts as well. Never knew how to respond and I don't want to feel in debt. My sister explained to me that people can just be nice and not want something in return. Do you think she's right? I'm not 100% sure but at least it no longer bothers me.

interesting, used to believe goodness of people . Felt bad to accept things
then let it go , then found things were wanted in exchange. Nowadays its thank you NO thank you . Depending on how well you know the person.
i.m.h.opinion.

I like compliments in theory, but in typical usage they tend to break the flow of conversation so I have trouble changing gears from what was being discussed to coming up with an appropriate response and then get back to the subject at hand again, and I can't usually do that within a natural-seeming timeframe so I get stressed out and my brain might end up locking up or dump the conversation entirely if the other person's not understanding of what's taking place.

So it's not really a problem with compliments in themselves, but that they often constitute an unexpected subject change which can throw my real-time processing abilities off the rails. In asynch communications, I don't think I have any problem with them, other than maybe not always knowing how best to respond. But overall, I'm happy to get them as long as they don't make me spazz out in public.