Is it worth it to make/keep friends?

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You often mention your desire for friendship with "NT-like" (though possibly autistic) people.

What exactly do you mean by "NT-like"? What specific traits do you want the person to have?

In my experience, friendship isn't worth it. I will never be able to form the type of friendship that is healthy, all of my friendships have been toxic, abusive and at the very least disappointing. I don't do well with more than one friend (a best friend) but most people strive for a 'friend group' which never works out for me, as I always end up as a third wheel.

Same. I never meet someone i can connect with and at this point i am scared of meeting someone i can relate to.

Okay, I feel it's best to avoid spitting "semantic hairs" to best answer this question.

In a nutshell, people experienced with Neurodiversity (including people who are NT-like) would probably best understand the gist of the lives/concerns of people who are largely independent despite the Autism Spectrum.

QFT. this is champion!

i am too much of an outlier in my rural community to have made any real connections with folk who grok me, because nobody groks me here in smogberry tree land. but thanks to wrong planet, i've made several excellent pen pal friends. so always say YES! to love even if you have to reach way out beyond your comfort zone.

^ Yes, finding the good ones is precious beyond words.

The greater question is whether it's worth to have people around you in life that matter to you, and to whom you matter. In which case, I say "yes".

As a teenager and young adult, we have usually not found a life partner nor started a family, thus friends become central and being part of a circle of friends boosts your confidence and improves life quality. If/when you find a partner and possibly start a family (I'm aware this is not always the case with autistic people), those social bonds will usually replace much of those you had with friends, and that's fine.

For those who are single I think it's as important as always to try to make/keep friends, especially keep. Otherwise your mental health will take a hit.

I'm very sorry to hear this.

I've had some friends (or people I thought were friends) who turned out to be very toxic. But I've also had friends who turned out to very good, helpful, and generally valuable.

Why do you believe that you will never be able to form a healthy friendship? Is it just because you've had a very bad batting average so far? Or do you believe this for some other reason too?


This has been a problem for me sometimes, but not usually.

I attribute my relative success in this regard to the following:

1) Because of my difficulty picking up on subtle hints, I realized early on that I needed friends who were assertive. People who are not assertive are much more likely to be backstabbers. Luckily for me, I came of age during a time when there were a lot of popular magazine articles, and at least one very popular book, on how to be assertive without being aggressive.

2) Nearly all my friends have been people who did NOT value conformity to gender norms or other arbitrary cultural norms.

3) My friendships -- and the friendship groups I've been part of over the years -- have nearly all been rooted, at least in part, in common interests and/or common values, rather than just mutual personal liking.

It seems to me that if the friendships in a group are rooted solely (or very much primarily) in just mutual personal liking, then there will always be competition over who can be the most likeable, and the losers in that competition will be third wheels. However, if a friendship group is rooted in common interests, values, and/or goals -- and especially if there is an explicit, agreed-upon, well-thought-out desire to build community around those common interests, values, and/or goals -- then the more friends, the merrier. There might still be some interpersonal drama, but probably less of it than there would be otherwise, especially if all or most of the people in the group have a commitment to learning conflict-resolution skills.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 30 Mar 2022, 12:22 am, edited 2 times in total.

Why are you scared of this? Just fear of disappointment -- or perhaps betrayal -- if the person turns out not to become a good friend after all? Or is there something else you fear?

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 30 Mar 2022, 12:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

Agreed, that's the important question.

When you are young you have your parents, but they won't always be around. And not all of us, alas, had good parents in the first place.


It is indeed common to drop one's friends when one gets married. I don't agree that this is "fine." IMO it's fine to lessen the intensity of one's friendships, perhaps to stay in touch just once in a blue moon, but not to drop them altogether. If your marriage goes sour, or if/when your partner dies, or if/when either you or your partner gets incapacitated somehow, then you will need the support of your friends.

Staying in touch with one's friends, after marriage, is much easier if you, your spouse, and your friends, are all active participants in the same subculture, e.g. the same religious group.

Hopefully, in the future, a much better-organized autistic community/subculture than we have now will be able to serve in that role too.

This might be less of a problem if you were to seek friends within the autistic community, where it is understood and accepted that a lot of us have difficulty with eye contact, etc.

I also recommend, if possible, living in a highly multicultural neighborhood with immigrants from all over the world. In such a neighborhood, cultural norms regarding body language, etc., are much less strict, because they vary a lot by cultural background.


Maintaining the relationship is easier when dealing with people whom you naturally would run into anyway, e.g. if they are members of some group you are also a part of. (To that end it would be helpful if we had a much better-organized autistic community than we have now.)

It's natural for friendships to fade as commonalities fade. But they don't have to fade out altogether. I would suggest staying in touch once in a while -- perhaps not very often, perhaps just once a year or so, perhaps even just once every few years -- unless the person has seriously wronged you somehow.


You certainly have the right to decide not to bother with having friends. The question is whether it is in your best interests.

I certainly wouldn't try to make friends with just anyone. We need to find people whom we can relate to, e.g. people who are "logical" by our own standards.


We need to find people who will find us interesting, not just vice versa. To that end, shared interests and values can be very helpful.

Thank youuuu! a lot of people think they are evil or a horrible person if they don't have friends and thats not true at all. People don't want someone who is different than them, they are instinctively put off. But that's on them, not us.

@Mona: I don't really share my personality with anyone, i Just put on a persona that would be similar to them and act like that so that i will have a good relationship with them. And sadly it works. I know that i would be treated a lot worse if i were to act "natural"

Not even my friend for 15 years know about my autism. I will probably take this secret to the grave, bc i don't want my parents to show their innate ableism and self hatred in my dad's case since he has a lot of bottled up self hatred.

The educated people here pity the disabled, the ignorant ones just don't know what aspergers or high functioning autism is. That' s why i will never be upfront about it with anyone.

part of me wants to be high-functioning like you [able to mask] and part of me is stubborn and says "to hell with them!" if they won't accept me as i am. the two parts of me fight often.

Yes, I have long had this struggle myself. In my teens and twenties I desperately tried to bend myself out of shape just to fit in every now and again (and perhaps also get some attention from the opposite gender). Recently though, I find it's not worth the effort. Although it would be nice to have more people in my life, the few "friendships" I have made by trying to fit in were always short-lived and ultimately lacking in depth for me.

Echoing some of the earlier posts, I would say that unless you are engaging someone that can actually relate to how you as an ND experience life, pursuing friendships is likely to be frustrating for all involved. Especially when you get older.