Coworkers nice one day and cold the next

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I'm starting to think everyone's definition of "friend" here is different. I have coworkers who are "friends" and that hang out outside of work, but they certainly don't bare all to those same coworkers and probably don't consider them "close" friends. "Friends" and "close friends" are like, way different concepts for NT people and yeah, you're unlikely to make nor want to immediately rush into becoming "close friends" with someone at work.

I agree.

I have friends who I can just go out and get drunk with. I can be a total dick in front of them and they don't care. But I would never sit down and have a deep and meaningful with them or tell them my deepest darkest secrets. I just don't think that's what friends are for.

I've got therapy for that.

You might be right. My definition of a friend is someone who will contact me, just to talk to me or arrange to spend some of their time with me, by preference. This is why I consider that I don't have any, there's no one who fits that description.

When I worked in an office I did use to do the after work drinks thing. I did socialise outside of work with coworkers in that sense. Maybe someone else would call those people friends?

Yeah but I think I'm quite childlike when it comes to friends. I still like playing out.

Excellent advice, Fnord.

I made the mistake of treating co-workers as potential or actual friends when I was young, but over the years I've learned to do exactly what you said: be friendly but not a friend, keep my distance, don't give away personal information.

As I've got older, I've learned to keep professional boundaries.

That would be my definition too. I have one friend who does that, which is astounding in this village!

I hope you find some friends, Duck.

Tried that. It sucks. It was the most loneliest, saddest time of my life. Would not want to try it again.

Which bit did you try, sorry? I can't pick it out of all that we wrote.

The keeping professional boundaries and not socialising with colleagues part

I suppose it could be lonely but I'm just used to being lonely I guess.

The thing which brought me up short was one place I worked, the co-workers didn't approve of my husband so they tried to matchmake me with one of the men there. In effect trying to break up my marriage but I didn't let them. That was a horrible place, ugh. I learnt a harsh lesson there i.e. don't be too friendly with them. And that wasn't the only workplace I learnt to keep my distance, for sure. At another one, two men got into a competition as to who could seduce me, ugh. Some people are such creeps.

You've had a bad experience

Yes, those are awful experiences.

My own were less awful. I just found that people who were happy to scratch their social itch with me during work hours, and sometimes straight after in the bar, did not value my company enough to do so in any context where they had to make an effort.

I've known people who very actively separate their personal friends circle from their work "friends" circle (and I use those quotation marks very deliberately) and have very different expectations of both.

It sounds like you, Babybird, expect less from a friend than I and some others do and you're probably being more realistic and end up happier for it.

Thanks you two, they were horrible experiences that I had, and I could give you a list of other horrible experiences I've had at work e.g. blatant bullying.

With most experiences though, it took me a while to work out what had happened as I couldn't put the pieces together with people saying different things. Although many people seem to think I'm deaf and talk about things in front of me as if I can't hear them, so I got clues then.

Most people didn't behave like that but still I've only made a few friends in jobs. I suppose because I've had so many jobs and chopped and changed so often. But 'the workplace friend' is very different from 'the social friend' or whatever.

I think Babybird is a lot more realistic. I've always looked for soulmates and rarely found them.

But it's pretty sad that humans don't get particularly close. I suppose we aren't designed to, we are predators. You're either part of the predator pack or you're the prey.

I've noticed the predator/prey behaviour a lot in humans e.g. a group of mums in the school playground, jostling for social position.

What is it with these people. Why does social position on the hierarchy matter so much?

People days are nice but they are wishy washy at the same time.

I have a co-worker who is like this, once in a while he will speak to me, but other times is as cold as can be. I have no clue what to say to him so I say nothing, unless he says something to me. Thing is, he's nice to everyone else or it seems to be that way. Can't figure it out.

It sounds like you worked with several people who are wishy washy where they are nice once day but then rude the next.