I feel so unwanted. Anyone else?

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Yes

I'm surprised when people are kind to me and I assume they are just kind people who feel sorry for me, even though there is evidence that I am wrong and they actually like me, I just find it hard to believe or accept. I feel like I have little to offer and what do they get from knowing me? Nevertheless, I have few friends. And certainly as I've gotten older and the people I know are also older they have gotten much nicer.

Are you really bad at accepting compliments too?

Have you ever read "The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships?" May also also looking at books on how people make friends?

social rules are a minefield.

I don't feel unwanted. And that isn't an assumption or a cope denial.

I just don't feel wanting anyone enough back.
I just don't reciprocate it.

Sometimes I'm somewhat worried that I disappointed them simply because I didn't cared enough or that I never felt like playing along.

I cared enough because they cared enough.

All the problems because of coping with crap -- meaning I have too many negative emotions and thoughts to synch with them well.
Kinda why I pursue emotional regulation and self control at the very first and foremost priority before any 'social lessons'.

Best I can do well is to be a little bit useful to them.


... There are times I want them to just let me go.


If anything...
I don't feel useful enough.

I got pride, you see, and a somewhat high standards on myself -- while everyone can want me and all that without any apparent condition, I could at least try to honor them a bit.

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I felt that way from the time I was in Grade 8 until I graduated from High School. Every time I sat at a table, all of my regular peers would find another table to sit at.

90% of my life was solitary.

Yes, unwanted, it is fair to say. It is OK to be unwanted. There is nothing wrong with that.

Yes, but I be been fortunate to find people I mesh with over time. I hope everyone can find that over time and resilience and wish I could offer a haven for the struggle until it's found.

all my life it was the very rare person who could grok me. or me, them.