27 Oct 2024, 10:38 pm
Gentleman Argentum wrote:
Edna3362 wrote:
I have a largely different views over friendships.
When I was younger, actually, I don't actually have a real concept of friendship.
Just greed. Control. Pleasure. Haves and not haves.
I join groups to join activities and access to certain stuff, not to really gain friends.
Friends are bonuses though. If they come to me, I'll just honor them the best of my ability.
Attachment and loyalty sure. Nostalgia, all that fun and games...
But the true bond? Not really... That's rare.
Trust and understanding, even less so if not a but loopsided (like everyone can easily trust me, and I give them a lot of understanding).
I thought I needed friends the same way as most humans do.
I waited and waited to feel lonely, like most autistics write on their account.
Like waiting for me, an aroace, to suddenly have crushes, it didn't happen.
There was no negative feeling that actually drove me into seeking any relationships.
Nor did any positive feeling drove me to seek more.
The common solutions for autistics do not work for me because... I never felt loneliness.
Why???
The same reason why I know being a human a little bit too much.
Same reason why I'm constantly socially gorged and I'm not talking about the concept of social batteries.
Obviously, the constant sense over the concept of all encompassing presence of being a part of something larger (in which is not even something I learned, but something I already do in early childhood) is not a popular option to solve autistic loneliness.
Nor does getting rid of said longing in the first place if there's any.
But sure.
I would like a cat.
When I was younger, actually, I don't actually have a real concept of friendship.
Just greed. Control. Pleasure. Haves and not haves.
I join groups to join activities and access to certain stuff, not to really gain friends.
Friends are bonuses though. If they come to me, I'll just honor them the best of my ability.
Attachment and loyalty sure. Nostalgia, all that fun and games...
But the true bond? Not really... That's rare.
Trust and understanding, even less so if not a but loopsided (like everyone can easily trust me, and I give them a lot of understanding).
I thought I needed friends the same way as most humans do.
I waited and waited to feel lonely, like most autistics write on their account.
Like waiting for me, an aroace, to suddenly have crushes, it didn't happen.
There was no negative feeling that actually drove me into seeking any relationships. Nor did any positive feeling drove me to seek more.
The common solutions for autistics do not work for me because... I never felt loneliness.
Why???
The same reason why I know being a human a little bit too much.
Same reason why I'm constantly socially gorged and I'm not talking about the concept of social batteries.
Obviously, the constant sense over the concept of all encompassing presence of being a part of something larger (in which is not even something I learned, but something I already do in early childhood) is not a popular option to solve autistic loneliness.
Nor does getting rid of said longing in the first place if there's any.
But sure.
I would like a cat.
You say you do not feel loneliness. I used to, after I got separated. It was because I had been living with someone for over twenty years. Then something changed. I got used to living alone. I found that I liked it. A lot. Now I am not lonely.
Even so, I like to chat with people sometimes. I would not say that I am alien from outer space, and never like to talk to anyone. That would not be true. I do not think that is true of you either.
Unfortunately not all apartments allow cats, and sometimes you live with someone that won't allow it. However I recommend moving to a place eventually where you can have a cat. It can be a life-changing experience to have someone that really likes you and wants to spend time with you.
*that is only if you are nice to the cat and treat it well.
I never lived alone my entire life.
Days when I did, I liked it. Longest would be weeks, months if counting no interaction.
Else, I've been born into an intangible web of network that's still very much alive before I was born.
A sense of interconnectedness that I've always sense in the background.
It cannot leave me alone, it cannot abandon me as much as I want to forget it exists even for a while.
I understand the contrast of someone's presence and non presence.
It has layers; and it seems to me, them being alive in this physical reality somewhere is more than enough for me.
A lack of physical presense does not induced loneliness or wanting more company.
Maybe I will once practically everyone is gone for good; like basically few generations worth of people dead.
And in essence, I'm alone from the start.
But never lonely.
I got too many attachments and sentiments. It weighs on me.
I need less. It doesn't feel like it's coming from introversion, enjoyment of solitude or shame...
Gentleman Argentum
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Joined: 24 Aug 2019
Age: 54
Gender: Male
Posts: 796
Location: State of Euphoria
31 Oct 2024, 5:35 am
