should i even try to be more social?

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I agree 100%. I don't mean to say that all aspies should restrict themselves to the world of "virtual socialising." Depends where you're at - if you feel ready for human contact, go for it. Or do a mixture. One guy on a music collaboration forum took a vacation here in England, all the way from the USA, and visited me. I was afraid I'd blow it with him, but the friendship we'd cultivated online helped me a lot, and I did fine.

One thing that helped me was a public opinion website that limits the post to 500 characters. It infuriated me for a while, but once I'd got used to it, I saw its validity.

And yes, typing is no fun if there's no hope that anybody will read it. I still find it hard to keep my posts down to a digestible size, and the longer they are, the less likely that they'll attract any interest. I've ignored long posts and felt guilty about it, but like most folks I just don't have as much free time as I'd like to have, and I find it quite scary to feel expected to read a long piece of text. I get very absorbed in things and I'm scared of getting too heavily into one thing in case the rest of my life collapses through neglect.

There's also "closed-ended" socialising, e.g. talking with somebody in a waiting-room. Chances are I'll never meet them again, so I don't need to sustain the effort for very long.

Having friends can help you improve your communication and interpersonal skills in ways having only IM and email friends can't.

You need to be able to communicate with other people, in person, in the working world and having friends to talk to (outside your computer monitor) can help build up those skills.

But don't just befriend anyone, try to make friends with those who have similar interests as you.

Last edited by Hbomb89 on 19 Sep 2008, 2:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I have no problem with my social skills at all .. in fact I teach them, but someone asked the question, why is it easier and I answered

The fact remains.. you have to start somewhere, and if that is a good place to start and move forward from there, then I am all for it.

>_> Why am I always so angry when I post here? It's like I'm being confrontational for the sake of being confrontational. I kind of resent IM because it's slow and my friends have a tendency to respond my comments with emoticons, and I find myself rambling on just to fill the void of conversation. And then I wonder if I'm boring them with my rants, and then I feel bad. And I have a friend who doesn't like using the phone, so I feel like the only way I can reach her is through her online communities, or by popping by her school and talking to her in person, both of which aren't always effective or convenient.

This combined with my atypical quirk of being socially inept over the internet is what prompted my inflammatory response. The only friends I've ever made over the internet are on DeviantArt, where journals and artwork help you get a better sense of what people are like. Here, there's only words, and it's such a big place that you might interact with someone and never see them again.

In conclusion, YES, there ARE a lot of advantages to online communication, and if that floats your boat, then go for it, but remember that the internet can't replace going out for some fresh air and meeting people in person.

ok, so for those of you who did ok socially, what kinds of clubs did you guys join?

i cant decide if i want to join clubs with 'normal' people who do normal things, like partying

or clubs with nerds, who discuss things like anarchism, etc

I was a member of my High School's Asian Culture club. There was a half and half mix of Asian kids and nerdy white and black Asiaphiles. Some of the Asiaphiles who only like Asians for their anime and unique pop culture kinda made me uneasy but I joined because I have a strong interest in East Asian history, classical culture and ethics and I have an unusual tendency to get along better with foreigners and immigrants than with most American-born people.

I was also joined my school's recycling club...all the guys in that club were nerds.

I was also a member of the Islam club in my school. I'm not a Muslim or anything, if anything I'd probably convert to Eastern Orthodox Christendom (either the Armenian or Nestorian branch) than I would to Islam. I am interested in Islam and Islamic culture.

Maybe start a club or community service project?
It has to revolve around an issue or activity that you are really passionate about.
When you are the boss, the sheep instinctively look to you to make the rules and try to cater to your ideas of how it should be. It doesn't work for me, but I've seen it work for others. Are you any good at bossing people around?

In general, structured groups with a purpose are easier than informal, social groups.
Church group, tree-huggers, theater group, political action group. They are self-selected for some internal reason and probably have more in common than just the main focus of the group.

About that ethnic thing -- are you in a community where it matters?
I'm not sure about this... just thinking outloud, here...
If it's extremely important in your neighborhood, sticking with people who look like you might be helpful.
If it's moderately important, maybe it's better to NOT hang with your ethnic group, and hope that they blame your strangeness on ethnicity.
If your background doesn't matter in your town, then never mind.
When I was in college (back in the stone age) my two best friends were born in Lebanon and Morocco (I'm U.S. born, half Swedish & half mixed). There's something about mixing with foreigners that makes it easier. They don't expect your body language to mean anything.

About Grad school -- I didn't go, but I wonder whether it's better or worse.
College is definitely better than high school. You leave the worst of the idiots behind, right from day one. By comparison, they are more mature, they attend by choice... Would grad school be better again, for the same kinds of reasons?
Maybe the people in your major are more geek-like, for the same reasons you are, and therefore easier to mix with?

Last edited by Tahitiii on 19 Sep 2008, 3:18 pm, edited 2 times in total.

just be nice and smile. Before you go places smile. It triggers a chemical response in your brain and makes you happy.
Getting 'laid' and partying are worthless, and it's okay that you don't fit in to any niche. I don't fit into any niche, and have plenty of friends. You can probably find other people who don't fall into any category either. Oh yeah you should def. join clubs, but im not so sure about the vietnemese cultural food group.

There's generally at least one coffee house in a university area, often one where there are books and magazines. These are great places where young people go to hang out. Believe me, there are lots of interesting people to talk to. There are also people there who wish someone would talk to them, but may not make the first move. So...take a risk, smile, say hello. Sure you may get shot down, but you might be surprised too. You really have to push past your comfort zone some. Generally, no one is going to bite. If they're rude, they're not worth talking to anyway. Don't discount talking to guys...they have sisters, or otherwise know women.

Join a club that you're interested in. I joined the anime club, the science-fiction and fantasy club, and the comic book club.

I think that's what they call being human, Mishi_Sings. I think you'll find a lot of us here have had the same kind of bad experiences as you have. Definitely I've lost touch with Web friends, I think sometimes for trying to help them too much, and for sending them too much stuff to read through. Sometimes people have to be rude to me in order to stop me talking them to death.

Clubs - I don't do so well in clubs (music groups sometimes work for me), but my best social time was in an inner-city area where everybody happened to be really friendly and non-judgemental.

i joined some asian clubs last year in the middle of the school year, but everyone already had their cliques so i felt very uncomfortable and didnt stay longer. even though i'm vietnamese, i dont really connect with some asians since i dont have much interest in asian history. however, like you, i do get along with foreigners and immigrants than most Americans. probably since they also have trouble getting along with americans

i dont quite understand what you're trying to say. do you mean do the asian students at my school only befriend people of the same race and not white people? in that case, thats not true, as most asians are willing to befriend whites, nonasians, etc

where did you make friends if you dont have a niche? what clubs did you join?

i'm also hesitant about joining the vietnamese club since i dont really follow asian culture.

the problem is i dont really have many interests. just maybe the anarchy club, but they dont hold many social events. and maybe the ethnic clubs, since alot of the vietnamese guys like to play basketball, which i also do, but suck at

No, that's not what I meant.

When I was in college, back in the stone age, the American-born blacks stuck together in their own little group. I got the (possibly flawed) impression that they were hesitant to try because of past experience.
The foreign-born non-whites that I knew were the children of the upper classes back home, and came without any expectations. They were welcomed in our little group and fit right in, I believe, because they didn't know any better. If there was any lingering, unconscious prejudice, it was not strong enough for them to notice.

My two best friends at that time were from Morocco and Lebanon. My comfort level with them was similar to my comfort in other non-standard friendships, like hanging out with someone who is significantly older or younger.
[At one point, my best friend was a man who was twice my age (17/34). He was my main pal for over a year. Looking back, I can see that it wasn't as pure as I wanted to believe, but at the time I was naive enough to believe that we were just pals.]

There's something about the expectations and the miss-reading of body language. People of my own age, culture and ethnic group demand perfect uniformity and make a lot of incorrect assumptions about my mannerisms, which causes a kind of friction. I never felt that kind of friction with the non-standard friendships.

People unconsciously assign meaning to every little thing. A pause, a sigh... If you look like a duck and say "quack," they assume they know what that means. If you look like a swan and "quack" with an accent, they are a little more conscious and work a little harder to understand.