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Greentea
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16 Mar 2009, 2:23 am

I too keep wondering how it can be that a person has absolutely no one who enjoys their presence in their lives. But it's a fact and I have no friends or relatives who want anything to do with me. It's a mystery that I'll probably never solve. I suppose that the mixture of being an NLDer and having been raised as a scapegoat are a fatal cocktail, but I still don't think it can explain such massive rejection as I get. Especially when Í've always been told how attractive, witty, funny, intelligent, bright, kind, understanding, nice, loyal, honest, creative and insightful I am. All I know is people always like me very much at the beginning and then quickly shun me or lose interest. Years of asking people for feedback didn't help because each person gave me a different reason and very often the reasons were opposite.


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gemstone123
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16 Mar 2009, 6:25 am

I had a couple of friends when I was in the last two years of primary school and the first year of secondary school. Then I left school for a couple of years and when I got back because of anxiety problems I had to have an adult with me in class. This obviously meant I stood out and made it very awkward to speak to people. I sat at breaktimes on my own in a room so I was very isolated at school. Plus I don't have anything in common with the people in my classes. This will hopefully be different when I go to college next year. So for me it wasn't just that I didn't find anyone who enjoy's my presence.

:twisted:



lelia
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16 Mar 2009, 9:25 am

Smudge! I can't believe you think you can't be friends with somebody older than you!! !!
When I was a little girl, oh, come to think of it, all the way through high school, my best friends were all over 65 years of age. Somebody I now consider a friend is a jr. high boy with asperger's. How does age determine who your friends can be?
My husband and I took in an eighty-four year old man who was about to become homeless because we love him. He's been a good friend to us.



Homer_Bob
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16 Mar 2009, 5:57 pm

Very simple; if you don't talk to anyone, you won't have any friends, that's the way it is. It was like that for me for several years. I never said a word to anyone so I was never bothered with. Who would want to be friends with someone who says nothing? Not many and I guess I don't blame them if I think in a NT point of view. It's not like that once I got a job but before that, I really had no friends at all. Social skills is key to friendships.



Learning2Survive
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16 Mar 2009, 7:25 pm

rileyhitman wrote:
You know, just because you don't smoke, drink, party, or have promiscuous sex does NOT make you a cooler or nobler person.


umm.. yes, just because i don't smoke, drink, party, or have unprotected sex DOES MAKE ME COOLER AND NOBLER, kiddo.



phil777
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16 Mar 2009, 8:19 pm

Actually, i think "not" doing the above just makes me average. <.<



ImTheGuyThatDidThat
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16 Mar 2009, 8:19 pm

I`m one of those who says he have no people
that he hangs around with, friends. There are
a handful of people who are very special to me
for various reasons but i very rarely see them
anymore. I`m mostly at home and rarely have
any visitors, hoping maybe it changes some day,
i`m just used to it to some degree by now so it
feels easier to keep to myself. Things were different
some years back, i didnt have alot of friends then
either, i had alot of loose aquintances here and
there, but things change.



smudge
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17 Mar 2009, 10:17 am

lelia wrote:
Smudge! I can't believe you think you can't be friends with somebody older than you!! !!
When I was a little girl, oh, come to think of it, all the way through high school, my best friends were all over 65 years of age. Somebody I now consider a friend is a jr. high boy with asperger's. How does age determine who your friends can be?
My husband and I took in an eighty-four year old man who was about to become homeless because we love him. He's been a good friend to us.


Mainly a lack of shared interests and having different priorities I suppose, with people who are that much older or younger. I get along OK with people older than me. I usually speak to people older than me at bus stops. Sometimes they're teachers, who can be interesting to talk to.



princesseli
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17 Mar 2009, 6:08 pm

For me its actually quite easy to have no friends, Im not saying I have no friends but I went about 10 years without friends. For me it just took not talking and showing either no body language or bad body language. It was that easy, and it would be quite easy to burn all my bridges and kill my friendships within a few months. But on the other hand it takes so much damn work to make even 1 friend. I have to overcome my social anxiety and try to go up to that person more, hangout, show more positive body language, etc.

I dont know your experiances, maybe you find it easier but a lot of us dont. I find it easier to destroy a friendship then make one. Like I know what to do to make people hate me then like me. Ive accidently get people to hate me lets say about 10x as much as accidentally getting people to like me.



Keeno
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17 Mar 2009, 7:48 pm

It's normally through some sort of "community within a community" that you belong to, that you make your friends. When you're school age, that is school. Then you might go to college or university. Then it might be through the "community" of work, but that seems a bit more hit or miss. Once you're no longer in a community (school, work etc.), ties suddenly or gradually weaken, because a bond you previously had is no longer there, and you might carry a few friends through that if you're lucky.

I myself went virtually without a social circle because having left school, I had no desire to carry through contacts (bad experiences with most people) and while at university I simply didn't make friends, because I really was a confirmed loner then and had no desire to make or keep friendships. It is through a later found church involvement and especially, increased involvement in the local Aspie scene that I have what's now a vibrant, self-sustaining social circle. Again, communities within communities.

Again, much of my lack of friendship was down to attitude, and the sheer commitment I then had to being alone.



0_equals_true
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17 Mar 2009, 8:08 pm

As someone who didn't have true reciprocal friends before 23, I have experienced both sides of the coin. It was a learning curve, believe me.

There is lot of reasons why people have no friends and it is not just about being avoidant.

Why do you assume your social skills are that bad? Social skills are inherent, everybody has some to a lesser or greater degree. If you have had to learn social skill these are not inherent, it makes it all the more impressive.

There is also other reason why people might be more or less socially accepted or attractive.

The social trouble of ASD are not that set in stone, some may make friends but not hold on to them. I sort of didn't reciprocate too, but it often even gets to the level of acquaintance. Some may have not problem making friends at all. ASD isn't just about the social contrary tot popular belief.



smudge
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18 Mar 2009, 7:52 am

I remember being told at school that people used to say hello to me and I would ignore them. I assume it was because I was so wrapped up in my own worries that I didn't notice those around me.

I think the problem I had for most of my life was that I didn't think I was good enough for anybody. Later I thought that nobody was good enough for me. I eventually reached a balance by learning to like myself and other people. That was interesting, as I found so many people started to go up and talk to me, compared with none before.



b9
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18 Mar 2009, 7:59 am

Quote:
How can anyone have no friends?

how can a no-one have any friends?
the same answer applies. i do not know what it is yet.



Cyanide
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18 Mar 2009, 1:51 pm

I have few enough friends to count on my hands.
I'm a sophomore in college right now, so I've been in college for almost 2 years. Though despite that fact, I haven't made one friend there.



skysaw
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18 Mar 2009, 6:24 pm

rileyhitman wrote:
From all the threads I've read on here, I've felt puzzled that many people here claim to have few friends. I have quite a bit and my social skills aren't that good.

I mean, on this planet, in the country, in your immediate area, there has to be at least one person who is entertained by your presence. It just seems unlikely that a person doesn't have a connection to at least somebody.


I've gone through several periods of my life completely friendless, and I am supposedly at the upper end of the spectrum.
If a fellow aspie can find this so puzzling, perhaps I should not expect too much understanding from NTs. :?



jamesp420
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18 Mar 2009, 8:55 pm

I"m not really too far into the spectrum, so that may be why, but since I got into high school I haven't had a single problem making friends. I can to the school after moving back to Kentucky from New York, and obviously all the little cliques had formed up before I got there, and people had known people for years, but somehow, while nearly having an anxiety attack the whole time, I managed to slide right in, but never ended up in a "clique." I drift between groups and get along with pretty much everyone. I do see some people at my school though, who I know for a fact are completely friendless. I'm thinking maybe those with no friends should start trying to be friends with each other? I do know what it's like to have no friends though, because throughout middle school, I spent almost all of my time by myself, and the only people I talked to were my parents and teachers, so I have been there and know how some people feel, but I guess by 9th grade something just clicked.


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