Why aren't you smiling???! !
When people see photos of me they say 'emo' or 'looks like you're about to hang yourself', but it's not a depressed face. It's just poker. I'm waiting for the camera to do its thing and then I can get on with the party or whatever it is.
I have a friend with a particularly vulgar habit. Whenever we're sharing a comedy movie or some such he persistently grins at me, instead of watching the TV or what someone else is saying. I asked him why and he told me he's always waiting for me to engage, to smile, but I never do. We're good friends, but I'm not sure quite how to say 'This is one of the most grotesque things I've experienced, now f**k off and stop attempting read me'.
I once went to a Church with a group of Christians, just to see what the whole thing was about. I had breakfast there in the morning and at 8am, before my coffee, after perhaps 4 hours sleep, this blond happy-go-lucky science-dodger grins at me and pronounces through his nose: 'You know, you should smile more often'.
I had very strong images in my head of crucifying the f****r while pulling his cheeks back with wire joined hooks round the back of his head.
Too far?
I once went to a Church with a group of Christians, just to see what the whole thing was about. I had breakfast there in the morning and at 8am, before my coffee, after perhaps 4 hours sleep, this blond happy-go-lucky science-dodger grins at me and pronounces through his nose: 'You know, you should smile more often'.
I had very strong images in my head of crucifying the f**** while pulling his cheeks back with wire joined hooks round the back of his head.
Too far?
"should" is a weird beast of a word - I should have picked the winning lottery numbers etc
the god botherers are largely a pain in the arse with no real input into anything
I had people say this to me to, "smile", "killer" and people when I have been out say for a drink alone have said I look"suicidal" or "depressed" when in fact I felt fine, neutral, normal you know? I have overheard people say I look high or I am on drugs at times. Like others have said I only really tend to smile If I find something amusing and when I laugh it tends to be more than other people. Like I can have poker face (like I do most of the time) but If I hear something that sounds funny I can't help but laugh. At times I start laughing when other people don't but I can't seem to help it but it does make wonder If I am immature.
T_Hinker
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: 3 Oct 2010
Age: 114
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For the preface to this see Why are you so Quiet?
What annoys me even more is people trying to judge my mood by my face. I might just be posing a question to mysellf like trying to figure out how to lay the mosaic of my floor tile and I have to endure comments like "Hey! Smile, It's not like your dog just died!" I want to shout at them : "Only idiots go around grinning for no reason!"
I think McDonalds Hiring Campaign is discriminatory: "Now hiring Smiling Happy Faces"
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nick007
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Location: was Louisiana but now Vermont in capitalistic military dictatorship called USA
I find that very ironic because most of the people working there are anything but happy about it; there yelling & cursing at each other. The smile I hate the most is the WalMart roll-back happy face thing. I worked there for 25 months. I also do NOT like how the happy face on Zoloft resembles that WalMart thing. That is NOT happiness
T_Hinker
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: 3 Oct 2010
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Severus wrote: I'm NOT shy looking to jump the first person who gets through my defenses, I legitimately have no interest in anyone.
Then why even go into the bar?
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Then why even go into the bar?
^ misquote. That was me. And there was no mention of a bar - I was referring to everyday life. I would sooner shoot myself in the foot than go in a bar.
T_Hinker
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: 3 Oct 2010
Age: 114
Gender: Female
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You are right and I appologise! I didn't dee the number for your name. I re-read the message -after-of-course I wrote that and realised that I was having flashbacks to all those bar scenarios years ago. I worked in one for a while and then in later years it took me quite some time before I realised that a male could go into a bar 'for a beer' but a female only goes there to find a lay. Sorry.
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I have had this non smiling problem when it comes to pictures and old folks who are "worried" about me. You have to smile more. And when my family do the family portraits. Well the camera people try to get me to smile and I end making a weird face that looks more like my lips are tied together. The issue is that I am trying not to laugh at their stupidity of trying to get me to smile. Making me laugh because you won't leave me with a normal face isn't a induced smile, it's me reflecting enjoyment out of your stupidity.
In high school I had teachers always touching me and rubbing my back, mainly middle age females. Telling me I should smile more because they are sure I am a handsome young man with a smile. It got very annoying.
DemonAbyss10
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Then why even go into the bar?
People can go to the bar because they enjoy a nice cold one. You dont have to be a social butterfly to enjoy the beer damnit.
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My father is always telling me to smile for photos. I've heard more than once about how serious is my expression. My coworkers once said customers were probably terrified of my psycho face. I rarely smile when greeting someone (and when I do, it's probably because I'm faking it). Just look at my avatar to see how serious I am.. But it's all for a good reason: my smile is artificial and creepy. I would rather be alone in a dark room with Pedobear than a smiling doppelganger of me.
To flash a genuine smile, it doesn't have to be a huge child molester grin. The key really is in the eyes. With authentic smiles, even small ones, the outer corners of your eyes should be crinkling slightly. If you're merely moving the corners of your lips up...and doing nothing else with your face, it's going to look like a half-assed, fake "meh" smile.
And personally speaking, you should feel a little tension in the corners of your mouth and the center of your upper lip (unless you're laughing, where your teeth aren't closed, then you should NOT feel anything in your upper lip). If you have dimples, they should be showing.
It's possible that you're highly sensitive to the feeling of facial expression on your face. The key to conveying the smile and/or emotion to other people is to exaggerate the feeling. I really do suggest you practice in a mirror first though, just to make sure that this is indeed your problem. Otherwise, you could end up looking creeeepy.
Now, WHEN to smile... rule of thumb, if someone's speaking to you and they're smiling, so should you. And if you're in a group and everyone else is laughing, smiling, or otherwise happy and excited, you should at least smile. And if someone tells a joke or shares a funny story, you NEED to laugh, not just smile. JUST smiling is NOT the same.
Yes, this means faking it, if for example the person's talking about something good that happened only to HER, or if you really don't find the person that funny. We NTs do a lot of acting.
What helps is to always keep something in your mind that really makes you smile. If you need to dredge out a convincing laugh, you need to think of something REALLY amusing. NEVER reveal what you're thinking about to the other person, however. Let them think that you're smiling or laughing BECAUSE of them.
T_Hinker
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: 3 Oct 2010
Age: 114
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Location: Whodathunk Alabama
[quote="chainsawswinger"]
Now, WHEN to smile... rule of thumb, if someone's speaking to you and they're smiling, so should you. And if you're in a group and everyone else is laughing, smiling, or otherwise happy and excited, you should at least smile. And if someone tells a joke or shares a funny story, you NEED to laugh, not just smile. JUST smiling is NOT the same.
Yes, this means faking it, if for example the person's talking about something good that happened only to HER, or if you really don't find the person that funny. We NTs do a lot of acting. quote]
Wow, This is wrong on SO many levels!
So we run around faking every emotion every day and we're never going to get caught and get a worse rep than we already have....Just to be accepted by the lemmings who wouldn't run from a building on fire if no one else moves.
I understand that you are just trying to be helpful and teach us small ways to be more socially acceptable because I for one just don't get what I'm doing wrong . Every time I hear some bit of advice like this one I over analize it and it seems even more wrong than not doing anything which is what I ultimately do-nothing.
I heard a study the other day that the average person lies 100 times a day, I almost gagged! I don't even get enough opportunity to speak that many times a day! Now you come along and tell us that 'normal people' don't even need to SPEAK to LIE! I hadn't even thought of that one!
Much of my silence is due to trying to formulate a 'not lying' answer when asked a question, for instance: "Do you know where John went?" Now say I knew where John was going to go but if he didn't tell the asker then perhaps I shouldn't be discussing John's business so I will likely say "Did John leave?" Truthfully not knowing that he had left YET. Call it lying by omission but I WILL NOT LIE!
I was married for 15 years. I made many choices 'just to get along' to 'go with the flow', many of the worst ones were legal and cost me years to fix but worse was my health. I was sick ALL THE TIME. After the divorce I found that I was never sick again. Not flus, colds, sinuses and especially no days in bed or hospital with mystery stomach pain. I realized that to be untrue to my soul was to cause myself
dis-ease<disease!
I go monday to get the diagnosis for Aspergers and I'm scared. When I say that I need to learn better social skills to alleviate this severe depression caused by my isolation and lack of promotion in my job, they will tell me things precisely like you have and I will fight them just as I just did.
_________________
I am open to discussions, conversation, with anyone-anytime to preserve vestiges of sanity. Please IM or PM. At nearly 100 yrs of age, I have much wisdom and stupidity to offer.
So we run around faking every emotion every day and we're never going to get caught and get a worse rep than we already have....Just to be accepted by the lemmings who wouldn't run from a building on fire if no one else moves.
I understand that you are just trying to be helpful and teach us small ways to be more socially acceptable because I for one just don't get what I'm doing wrong . Every time I hear some bit of advice like this one I over analize it and it seems even more wrong than not doing anything which is what I ultimately do-nothing.
I heard a study the other day that the average person lies 100 times a day, I almost gagged! I don't even get enough opportunity to speak that many times a day! Now you come along and tell us that 'normal people' don't even need to SPEAK to LIE! I hadn't even thought of that one!
Much of my silence is due to trying to formulate a 'not lying' answer when asked a question, for instance: "Do you know where John went?" Now say I knew where John was going to go but if he didn't tell the asker then perhaps I shouldn't be discussing John's business so I will likely say "Did John leave?" Truthfully not knowing that he had left YET. Call it lying by omission but I WILL NOT LIE!
I was married for 15 years. I made many choices 'just to get along' to 'go with the flow', many of the worst ones were legal and cost me years to fix but worse was my health. I was sick ALL THE TIME. After the divorce I found that I was never sick again. Not flus, colds, sinuses and especially no days in bed or hospital with mystery stomach pain. I realized that to be untrue to my soul was to cause myself
dis-ease<disease!
I go monday to get the diagnosis for Aspergers and I'm scared. When I say that I need to learn better social skills to alleviate this severe depression caused by my isolation and lack of promotion in my job, they will tell me things precisely like you have and I will fight them just as I just did.
Your strong values regarding honesty are commendable. However, the only lies I endorse are WHITE LIES. "Lies" that won't actually HARM the person - on the contrary, it simply helps them relate to you more easily. It makes you easy to be around and approachable. Now, with people who BECOME close to you, you don't have to do the polite laughs as much. Just realize that if a person's happy or joking, they WANT to be related to, and they want to feel appreciated. There's no benefit for you or the other person to just have a sullen attitude when they're trying to establish rapport or simply share their cheer with you. By being a good sport and offering a friendly laugh at their lame joke, even if it made you go on the inside (lol) , you'll make that person feel comfortable.
As far as spoken lies go, if someone asks me if their pants make them look fat, and they do, I WILL say yes. But the key is doing so INDIRECTLY with TACT.
Example:
Human: "Do these white leather pants make me look fat?"
(wrong way) You: "Hell yes."
(better way) You: "To be honest, those pants aren't so flattering on you."
Now, if the person who always makes lame jokes asks you if (s)he should do stand-up comedy next Monday, you may want to do your friend a favor and TACTFULLY advise him against it. (i.e., "I think you're a really funny guy, but your humor is kind of an acquired taste. If the audience doesn't get your jokes, which I honestly think they might not, you could end up getting booed, etc. So just don't get discouraged.")
NOTE: As far as the 100-lies-a-day study, I can almost guarantee you, everyday social niceties are being factored in.
Example -
Retail Sales Associate: "Hi, how are you?"
You: "Good." (Lie 1)
Example -
You're with a date. You really, really want to eat at Sushi Bar.
Date: "So what place did you have in mind?"
You: "Well, I was thinking of this new sushi place - the food's supposed to be incredible. But I'm open to suggestions. What are you in the mood for?" (Lie 2)
Example -
Your kid shows you a messy crayon drawing.
Kid: "mommy/daddy!! Look at my ART!"
You: "ooooh, that's *beautiful*" (lie 3)
Kid: "do you think I could ever be famous one day?"
You: "Of course, doll!" (lie 4 & 5 ... one lie for the "yes", one lie for calling a human a "doll" )
See what I mean?
Last edited by chainsawswinger on 06 Oct 2010, 10:06 pm, edited 3 times in total.
My feelings on acting are mixed. Yes, I realize it is sometimes socially necessary to blend in by displaying an emotion you are not experiencing, or altering your display so it can be understood by NTs. Unfortunately they outnumber us and we must sometimes conform to their world. That doesn't make it a pleasant experience. I am largely unable to "act normal". I'm told I look pissed off all the time - I'm terrified outside my home. It's not anger. It's severe anxiety. A NT who has never experienced my life could never possibly understand what exactly they're asking to expect me to laugh at their jokes.
I agree that it feels like a lie to do so. I would generally prefer a social faux pas to a lie. I will also avoid disclosing information or answers rather than lie. I hate the way a false smile feels. Even one that looks fine in the mirror. Disgusting and bordering on painful. Ever see a picture of a scared chimp? Look at 'em grin. I can relate.
For the NTs following along - imagine that you're forced to carry something disgusting in your pocket. How about a slug, because that's the first gross and portable thing I thought of. Then picture your day proceeding as usual, except that every time someone looks at you then you'll have to decide whether or not to place that slug on your face. You may have about half the clues necessary to make an accurate decision of if you should or not. If you guess wrong and pull out the slug at the wrong time it's socially unacceptable and people will think you're crazy. If you fail to bring out the slug when you should then everyone thinks you don't like them. And it really doesn't matter because honestly? It's a freaking slug! You don't want it on your face anyway (at least I hope you don't), and seeing others wearing one around is confusing and a bit upsetting. Welcome to the world of public smiling for an Aspie.
Maybe it's easier for aspies without social anxiety, who only need someone to train them. If you want and need the help, there are resources. Acting classes, autism doctors (mine sometimes works with me on figuring out the socially appropriate response, and interpreting what I have and have not done "right" to gain what I'm after), even a good NT friend can help. Please consider though that for many of us expecting us to learn to "act normal" is not even in the realm of possibility, either because it's not something we can do or not something we have any desire to do. The suggestion that it could be is either cruel or insulting.
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