Jerk radar
05 Jun 2006, 12:18 pm
Fiz wrote:
I will be honest here (otherwise how do I expect people to help me), I am too trusting and I need to toughen up a bit. Its only when I get hurt that I lay the boundaries down, apart from when it comes to a romantic relationship it would seem now. I like to know where I stand and I find that a lot of people aren't really prepared to be straight with me. I used to let people in way too quickly but I haven't had a relationship now for two years and for the past year or so I have made no attempt to have one. It is more friendships that I seem to have trouble with at the moment or if there is a slight glimmer of a relationship possibility. I recently discovered that some of my friends aren't what I thought they were (bearing in mind my lack of ability to sort people and that fact that I'm too trusting and think that everyone is nice), in that they are not true friends. I'm sure a lot of you have read my past posts on those. I'm still quite angry about it and am reluctant to make anymore at the moment as I lack the ability to distinguish good and bad people very well until I get hurt, maybe this is an aspie trait? I don't know.
Fiz, you sound like a sweet endearing person. To be honest, there is nothing wrong with who you are, even if you trust every person who comes along. Now maybe you could be a little more discerning of bad people, but even that doesn't hold all of the answers. You can let a great person in, but over time things happen to people just like what happened to you. They have a choice of how to deal with it and oftentimes they don't make the best choices -- they close themselves off, they become bitter, some escape to a bottle or drugs... and so they change on you (highly upsetting to an aspie, because we don't like change at all), eventually coming to hate themselves or other people.
Anyone (and I mean anyone) can be transient in their status from aquintance, to friend, to true friend, to nothing at all, which allows a rotten apple to circumvent even the best laid defenses. Believe me I know. I've seen it. I've felt it. You can still be hurt even if you completely wall everybody out. Regardless of what some aspies would have you believe, although not built to socialize, we do still need other people to be healthy and happy.
I know you feel like you attract a sum of as*holes, but you also attract a sum of people not unlike yourself. You attract people who admire and respect that open idea of trust for all the beauty and strength of heart it represents. Some might need your help, some might just be there simply to protect who you are and some depend on people like you just to know that there is something right about the world. You may not even know these people are there, as some just stay in the background. If you don't believe me, look back over this thread. You project who you are in what you've written on this site. Look how many people jumped to help. That doesn't happen for everbody.
I can understand your stance on relationships; I feel the same (refering back to the ex's thread). But I would caution you against excluding new friends. Over time the flow of new friends can wax and wane, while old friends slowly vanish (moving away, losing touch, etc.). I would be afraid you would wall yourself in and become too complacent, eventually finding yourself alone. I think that would be an appalling turn of events.
Fiz
Veteran
Joined: 29 Jan 2006
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,821
Location: Manchester, United Kingdom
05 Jun 2006, 5:12 pm
phoenixjsu wrote:
Look how many people jumped to help. That doesn't happen for everbody.
I would be afraid you would wall yourself in and become too complacent, eventually finding yourself alone. I think that would be an appalling turn of events.
I would be afraid you would wall yourself in and become too complacent, eventually finding yourself alone. I think that would be an appalling turn of events.
A lot of people have helped me on this and this help is, believe me, truely appreciated. I am glad I made this thread purely for the kind of help I have had from all you guys, you've been fantastic. I wrote this thread to try and prevent the 'appalling turn of events' from happening as, in the back of mind, I was worried it could come to that.
I have actually discovered a group I can join in Manchester for aspies and it looks really cool and will be a great way to make new friends in Manchester and meet other aspies in person. My sister actually discovered it for me and said I should send an email/call them or something so I have and am awaiting a response. All good though, I'm looking forward to seeing how that turns out in the future.
