Aspies without social difficulties?

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^^^
you obviously are very high-functioning. just to be able to effect such workarounds is evidence of that. but not all aspies have sufficient of "the right stuff" to be able to do what you did. just because you managed doesn't mean everyone of us can similarly manage. some of us are children of a lesser god that the higher functioning types would rather just ignore.

I understand what you meant. It was the same with me. It took me 3 years to blend in mostly unnoticed. However if you count people thinking "whats up with this girls attitude" thoughts, well that still happens here and there. I really don't like it. Its weird that you mentioned how you worked so hard that you can know whats gonna come out of someones mouth before they say it. Cause I strongly suspect a friend of mine could be undiagnosed borderline/mild aspie. But I wrote if off quickly because he could predict peoples responses too well. But he's got so many aspielike tedancies. Now I learn that its possible to learn peoples behavior so well even if your aspie if you study it extremely well but it takes at least 10 years probably. I started studying peoples behavior because when I was 17 I overcame being mute and I was sooo lost coming into the social world and I badly wanted to make friends. I can hypothesize that my friend who's an immigrant was forced to focus on this human behavior at an earlier age, but I really don't know

I've been working on social skills since I was ten I would say. I was obsessed with being normal and I decided I wanted to be like everyone else. So I started to find ways to cope and blend in and copy other people. I would watch people in movies and in TV shows and read books like on manners or etiquette or showing off or lying or cheating and learn how not to act or else I will give the wrong impression. I also learned what to say to people when they give you the bad news like death in the family. I live by scripts and then after a while they do come natural and it's like I have rewired my brain. I even make rules for myself like do not join in any conversations unless they include you. Do not state the obvious, you will less likely say something inappropriate. If people are being mean to you and treating you like crap, do not talk to them and just ignore them and never speak to them again.

I fail to understand how aspies wouldn't have this ability. Maybe mild ones do only but I will probably never understand how this can be hard for moderate and severe aspies and autistics. I read something and see if you say that, people get offended, how hard is it to not say that ever again? I now know that TOM now. I now know that if I say that, it can be interpreted it that way so therefore it wouldn't be the AS anymore if I did it because I know.


I realize now that me being obsessed with normal was my aspie obsession in my childhood so I used that aspie obsession to get better and work hard because it was one of my intense focus which is very typical in aspies for their obsessions. So maybe if aspies were obsessed with this like I was, maybe they can just do it and make it and if they were severe, they can maybe get to mild by the time they are an adult because they worked so hard. Mom tells me I worked very hard. I had very poor social skills as a child and look where I am at now? I just wanted to fit in and be liked and have lot of friends and be normal so I started to fake it. When I give sympathy, I don't really feel anything but is it real I am showing? What about when I respond to bad news and I know the correct words but is it real when I do it? Lot of aspies say this is all fake but I never viewed it as fake because I really want to be a good person, not a bad one, I saw the good and bad then so I thought if I didn't do it, I am bad so therefore I wasn't faking it because I want to be good so it is real because I want to be that person. Since aspies are so black and white, perhaps they can use their black and white thinking to see it the same way as me and not see it as fake anymore. I also think it was the bullying that made me change and be the way I am now all thanks to them and all their negative labels they had on me like mean and selfish.

I wonder if it's possible to over come poor social skills or would we always have a low social IQ just like people with mental retardation will always have a low IQ no matter what skills they learn and how much they learn in life and I am talking about mild mental retardation here and semi.

I'm actually WAY better than I used to be socially. I remember the days when I would be afraid, for example, to go up to the counter at McDonalds to ask for a refill (back before you could do it yourself). Looking back, I'm really surprised I can do a lot of things for myself. Off the top of my head, the one thing I would most likely need help in even to this day is buying a new car, which involves being extremely tactful or else you risk getting ripped off. I also used to really hate playing sports and didn't go out much.

Right now I'm working on dating, and I love to hear encouragement that says "nothing is impossible".

If you want to get an idea of what the popular aspergers test says about me now, here ya go. Note how the only two Aspie traits I kept a large amount of were the talent and perception, and yeah a little bit of the social aspect too, but it is useful in the right situations.



Your Aspie score: 66 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 155 of 200
You are very likely neurotypical

I had a hard time ordering my food too. For a while I would feel too nervous to order my food or to even buy things by myself. As a teen, mom used to make me order my own food and she help me if I didn't know how to say it and communication be hard because I would have a hard time following what the cashier was asking. I would say what I wanted and then it be so hard. Mom would say it for me then and I would learn to say it. Now I have no problems ordering my food.

When I was 12, I made myself buy these Archie comic books because I got tired of waiting for my mother to come back in the store so I could buy them so I told myself I was going to have to do it myself and some day I would be on my own and have to be buying things myself. So I walked up to the counter and said "I want to buy the rest of these" and they took the books and put them in a bag and told me the total and I gave them the money. Then they handed me the bag.

I still get nervous asking for help and my husband has to help me with that.

An aspie can have a lot of friends who are also aspies or have other social difficulties, such as social anxiety. All of my friends either have ASD or social anxiety.

This, too

CHALLENGE ACCPETED!

Never say never! I think most poeple on here are able to be just as good as I am (or even better) but from what I observed so far (in about a couple of days of reading posts), many seem to have become complacent and kind of learned to accept the way they are. I suppose thats good and all if it allows you to have a comfort zone, but I have never been a fan of just sitting around and accepting whatever life throws at me. So I'm kind of torn on the accepting things the way they are, because it was my parents sticking me through challenge after challenge and putting myself through harder and harder challenges that allowed me to improve.

Its like refining ore, sometimes you have to stick it in the furnace for a while before you get to see all the gold. Besides even if we fail, we still learn from the experience. So I try often and when I fail, that kind of makes me excited, because it means I can improve and learn. So stay positive people!

I'd admire that mindset A LOT. Within these last 4-5 years I've really become fighter as well. Part of it was because I always expected more out of myself. I always compared myself to NTs. I guess while my initial reasons where not very good, my efforts turned it into something good. I've had so many challenges within the last 4-5 years. \

But I think one thing my Cog Neuro-Sci Prof told me(shes also an educational specialist, worked with many on the spectrum) is that if you work hard enough on a deficit you CAN overcome it. But then the thing is that most people don't want to work hard at something they suck at. Besides if your told that your mentally ret*d or socially ret*d then your going to believe it. And you might just accept it, there for you will stay not so sharp. So it depends how badly you want things and how much work your willing to put forth.

It's hard work to work on something and I hear it's harder to change when you are an adult.

Even NTs have a hard time changing too when they have things they need to work on. There was something my mother had to change when my brothers and I were little and she admits it was very hard work and she had to work hard at it. Then she overcame it. She got it from her father so she learned it from him and she didn't like it so she had to unlearn it.

that's true, once your an adult, your brain has stopped developing so its harder to change and people become more set in their ways. The older u get, the harder it is to change. As kids, the way your nurtured can have a profound impact on your brain.

You two are awesome. This is exactly how I feel about the subject. It is heartening to know that others feel the same.

I don't know for a fact that some Aspies don't have trouble socializing, but I speak for myself when I say: yes, it is extremely hard and uncomfortable having to socialize. I hate it because there's no way around it.

I don't have anything genuinely useful to add to this conversation but I'm going to break my rule and say something off topic anyway.

I LOVE ALL OF YOU.

I thought I was the only one who studied body language and facial expressions and scripts like math or science. I watched TV and studied how the characters interacted with each other to better understand what I was supposed to do in the ever-so-elusive social situation.

I'm not diagnosed and when I finally get around to seeing someone in a few months I don't know if I will be. But whether I'm on the spectrum or not I can't even explain how awesome it feels to know that there are other people out there who did EXACTLY THE SAME THING.

As a kid I was always worried I was a sociopath...I would sit in the dr office where they have those funny posters of facial expressions and the words underneath and I would study them, often confused, and try to memorize them...and I didn't tell anyone because I thought they'd have me locked up! To this day I have what essentially amounts to a very large database in my mind that it took 20 years to fill of various reactions to social situations and things you are and aren't supposed to do, and I'm STILL finding things that are new every day that I have absolutely no intuitive response to. It feels so awesome to know I'm not the only one like that.

THANK YOU.

There's no Aspie without social difficulties. But it is possible for Aspies to have friends or to get accepted. It's difficult, because it requires you to learn social cues and invest a lot of time and energy into something that others take for granted. Plus, even with your best effort, you might still fail.

But it's possible for Aspies to have friends or even to blend in enough to be unnoticeable (well, they will always be seen as quirky, but it's possible to make friends).

I have friends, and don't usually have trouble meeting people. I've learned to be outspoken and to have a give and take conversation. I usually pick up on sarcasm and different meanings. My problem is that sometimes I don't know when somebody is kidding or not. I also can't tell when somebody is getting mad at me or tired of listening to me. So, what I do, being very outspoken is ask. "Are you kidding around or are you being serious? I have trouble telling sometimes" "Are you mad or something? You just looked mad and I didn't know if I offended you or not, thats all" "Am I boring you, because it's ok if I am, I tend to bore people sometimes".

I try to be up front about my issues without making the other person feel uncomfortable. I did that loooooooong before I was diagnosed or even heard of AS. Most of my close friends know this about me, and always have, and will tell me "he's getting pissed" or "you need to kinda hush now" and they will tell the new person "thats just how she is, she's cool, don't worry about it"

People who I know in real life either really like me or really dislike me. There are very few who are ambivilant. It's probably because I hold nothing back unless I am trying to be nice because I care about the person, or because I'm just being polite because I don't know them. I've said "Nice to meet you" so many times that I can't count them, when I didn't want to meet them! I could care less about them! It was NOT nice to meet them, but I was being polite.

With close friends and family, unless they are upset, I'll just say whats on my mind. I am careful though to not say hurtful things to them. To people I know who are not friends, and especially those I don't like, I'll say whatever I think or feel and not care if it hurts them. Let them say what they want back, because if I don't like somebody, I do not respect them or their opinion, so it doesn't matter a bit what they say to or about me.

So, I have social difficulties that way. I've basically been described as a b***h, but one who would do anything in this world for you if she likes you.

Another problem I have is that I can tell in a heartbeat when somebody is lying to somebody else. It's so very easy. But I can never tell when somebody is lying to me unless I know them very well. I can tell when my husband or one of my kids or my Mother is. But other than that, I cant tell. Now, I can recognize a ridiculous lie of course. But a general, every day lie, no, I can't tell. This is where the reputation for being a really mean b***h comes in handy. People do not want to screw me over about something important because they know that I hold a grudge forever and am very devious and will really go after them. I don't mean physically, although I will fight back if attacked. But I'll go about it in ways they can't even think of. I don't mind a polite lie "I can't give you a ride right now because I'm out of gas" when actually she's got a guy over who she likes. Or just wants to lay around and play on facebook. I'd actually be fine with either reason, but it's polite to have a more solid reason and I appreciate my friend trying to spare my feelings.

I also tend to make sarcastic remarks to strangers who piss me off. Just because it's popped into my head and I cannot resist. Then again, I will go up to a total stranger and compliment them on something that I admire. If I think a woman's dress, or hair, or purse is beautiful, I'll walk up to her and tell her. It's nice to get a compliment. I walked up to a total stranger in Wal Mart a month or so ago and told him "You look just like Frank Sinatra. Really" He was an older man, with his wife. She looked at him and said "Yeah I guess he does a little!" He thanked me, she smiled and it made them happy, and I got to say what I thought. Because he did. He really did.

So those are my social problems

Frances