Aspergers and social phobia

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I force myself to do a lot of social activities for the well-being of my kids. There are a lot of school things to go to where I feel uneasy.

I havn´t seen any of my (former) friends since 2005. They have now given up on me.
Last week one of them send a textmessage saying she had a new baby(girl). I didn´t even know she was pregnant. Surprise surprise... Another one is getting married. I don´t even know when.
The really strange thing is they still claim to be my friends. Why bother?

I used to have really bad social phobia. Doing basic things such as going to a shop, or the cinema, or the pub, were almost impossible for me. The condition spiralled out of control so that in the end I was frightened of going outside - the fear being that someone would see me and consider me 'odd' - or even worse, speak to me! My life revolved around designing ways of avoiding people (including my parents, even though I lived with them!). For many years I had no friends and slowly but surely I was loosing touch with the world....

Despite the mountain of problems I faced - I got over it. I now have a social life and a good job. It took many years, I'm still rather 'shy' and the Aspergers is still there, but my problems no longer hinder me in the way they once did.

My experiences prove that, whatever the nature of your problem, similar to mine or not, you can significantly reduce (though not cure) the effects of social phobia and Asperger's and go on to lead a happy life.

If you live in the UK, the first thing you must do is see your GP (family doctor). Tell him/her everything. Don't be embarrased, doctors are professionals and are trained not to judge or betray your confidence. A combinaton of medication and therapy - all free - over a number of years, will see you right.

If you live outside the UK, I'm sure there are similar paths you can take - look in to it.

The key here is to take the initiative. Decide that you have had enough and you that want to do something about it - and then do it.

The person who diagnosed me with AS said I had 'incapacitating social phobia.'
It's been getting progressively worse since I was 13

I'm basically agoraphobic. I can't stand being around people it just makes me feel sick and paranoid. Even around people i know like my immediate family and relatives.

Fwiw,I took Paxil for two years,about ten years ago,and it initially helped me feel much less socially-anxious.It had little effect on what I would consider other fundamental spectrum-related characteristics.

Side effects were not too awful,after I adapted to them.Eventually,I felt Paxil was just a "band-aid" that was starting to peel off.That is,it's comfort became transparent and stopped being effective.And withdrawals were two weeks of torture(that was before the medical community was familiar with managing Paxil withdrawals).All the same,that first year felt "miraculous" at the time.

I don't feel frightened by social situation...I just can't do them...Anytime there are multiple conversations, or crowds, or lots of background noise, or flashing lights, i feel like i'm being crushed. Even in get-togethers with groups of friends, I get all weird and twitchy and often have to leave before I pass out.

But I'm not afraid of the social things...I really wish I could handle them...I'd really like to hang out with friends, it seems like it would be fun...

Before I got diagnosed with asperger's disorder, I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. After my asperger syndrome diagnose the social anxiety diagnose disposed, because according to my psychiatrist they couldn't go together. The fears were natural for someone with asperger's syndrome.

For myself I distinguish two kinds of fear. The first one is indeed a fear which comes with asperger. Fear for social situations I can't predict , fears that come up when something unexpected changes and more of those things. Those fears may sound irritational to NT's , but to me they aren't.

The second kind of fear I distinguish is based on bad experiences,insecurity and fear for the fear. It's pretty irrational. When those fears get too big and I try to avoid many situations because of them , I think a psychiatrist could call me social phobic. When the asperger fears become too big, it may have the same consequences, but I don't think it shoul be called social phobic.

I still suffer much from both fears in daily life , but I tend to avoid them less than in the past. My great benefit is that I often like social contacts when I get over the fear, that makes it somewhat easier to gain motivation to deal in a good way with them.

Watch and listen for contradictions in how they present themselves, it helps. If someone claims to be a tolerant person, and then gets off on a vitriolic rant about a person, group, or ideology, that's a contradiction. If someone claims to be a laid-back sort of person but can barely sit still, that's a contradiction. If someone presents themselves as a "get 'er done" sort of person but always seems to be procrastinating and putting things off in the stories they tell about themselves, that's a contradiction. If they present themselves as conscientious but have poor hygeine, that's a contradiction.

Sometimes people are aware of these contradictions within themselves. More often though, they aren't.

In any event, it's a better place to start than most.

I don't know if I have AS, but I'm pretty sure I must have a social phobia type of thing (though I haven't been diagnosed for that either).

I'm okay around people I know, like most co-workers, family members, etc. And I'm okay if I know what's expected of me-like at work, I can interact with people I'm helping pretty well (most of the time, I hope), because I understand what it is I'm supposed to do.

I'm not COMPLETELY fine with-it is a little taxing and draining, and I have to psych myself up a bit to return make a phone call, call a company's tech support, whatever. But I can psych myself up and do a decent job of it. (I do understand the people who said about not liking to answer the door for a UPS guy-I understand! It takes me some effort, have to psych myself up for it-I can basically get free cable right now, but it'll involve the cable guy coming over to add it, and I don't know how I'll be feeling about it that day).

I've attended conferences for work where there are a bunch of people, and don't really have much of a problem (a bit more anxiety, but not overwhelming). I've even kind of fielded a meeting about a software system my work was implementing years ago, and I think I did a solid job on that too-at least I hope I did, and don't think it was a complete disaster or anything.

I'm also okay if I can talk about my interests-about computers, or a favorite show, or whatever. In fact I can really enjoy it if I get to bable at people (I know I can go on and on, so I often tell people to stop me if I'm boring them or apologize for babling at them!)

Where I run into problems is when I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing. When it's just a "social for the sake of being social" situation. Like I was trying to branch out a year or two ago. I tried going to this church group, psyched myself up for it, drove there, went downstairs...and saw 30+ people in a room all talking and laughing. I was completely freaked out by it. I didn't have a clue what to do once I entered the room. Who do I talk to? How do I let them know I'm there? What do I talk about? What if they start making fun of me? I was also kind of bullied in school-not as bad as some people, but I was made fun of quite a bit, and I think that probably makes my stress level jump way up.

Anyway, I'm outside this room, thinking I *REALLY* need to go in, so I can get my life on track. But it's just too scary. I kept going up and downstairs, and doing repetitive stuff (I WAS diagnosed with OCD 15 years ago-I start doing repetitive stuff if I get stressed out-I can hide it pretty well, but I do it to try to un-freak myself out).

And anyway, after 20 minutes I finally gave up and drove home. I really wanted to do it, to try to maybe make friends or something, but I just couldn't. I felt like a complete failure and cried on the way home.

Appreciate your sharing what the experience was/is like-I don't imagine it was easy to decide to post the detailed description of your reactions & painful feelings.
Sounds so much like what happens when I attend (often never make it past the "consider trying to go" stage) a social function, community event (music, art, meetings), support group, or just "be there" out in public. Feel "see-through", as if others can sense my insecurities & panic. I've no skill in disguising my emotional state nor can I convincingly misrepresent my opinion, and around others there's nowhere to hide.
Already mentioned (in other post) that I'm agoraphobic. Want to meet people with whom I would get along, but getting beyond the "mutual strangers" level seems an insurmountable obstacle. In theory I would like friends, but in practice it's too difficult to figure out which people I'd like & who'd like me back. It's a real double-bind or a painful paradox, wish I were psychologically strong & daring. Get so frustrated & infuriated being capable in ways, yet incapable in other ways which hinder expression of abilities. I'm too honest, open & direct (according to the few folks who know me well) to comfortably be near (physically or mentally) most people.

I have social phobia. I get very uneasy especially when I am around strangers or am in a large crowd of people. It almost scares me.

My social phobia kinda snuck up on me. I had a rather large group of friends but one by one I started weeding them out. First to go were the friends that I would only see a couple times a month. I claimed to be busy but the truth was that I was uncomfortable. I kept telling myself that these are the same people but it didn't matter. I stopped answering their phone calls. Then some friends would start inviting me to their parties and I could do nothing but sit on the couch and look around. I just didn't understand what I had to say to any of these people or what they could possibly have to say to me. My friends were always caught up in other conversations with complete strangers and I wouldn't want to interupt anyways. But I still threw some pretty great parties with my buddy whom I was pseudo living with. I'd let loose. Dance. Have a great time. But that started to fade to. I became more and more selfconcious. As it intensified I became torn. Part of me had to continue seeing these people. The other part just wanted to get the hell out of there. The latter finally won and I moved my stuff out and into my parent's basement. I had a new comfort zone and things were great. I'd still invite people over, make it to the occasional party, spend most of everday with a small group of people, and see my family on a regular basis but I cut out another good chunk of friends too. Any spare time I had to be alone, I took. The urge to be left alone got stronger. I got my own place. A new comfort zone. New found interest in having people over but that died very quickly. I stopped answering my phone while working on projects. Then I stopped answering my phone completely. I felt so guilty but I just couldn't get myself to talk to these people. I still drop by my buddies on a regular basis but avoid the parties all together. No matter how my great day goes I need a good few hours of 'me' before going to bed. I can still feel myself slipping into this more and more everday.

I overcome some of my social phobia today! I went to the shop on my own! For the first time!

Yay!

Yay indeed!
I'm finally being brave