The notion of being "done"

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I don't understand why you didn't correct yourself on the spot if you had a mistake in 1 word, why 8 years later.

"If I didn't have AS, I'd drop you-er, I mean I'd drop the topic." would've solved this issue.

First of all, I didnt even noticed how I phased it until she responded "drop me, thanks". Then, when she did, I felt too awkward to counter her. I mean, I felt very awkward during the entire meeting so most of the time when she was saying thigns I was just silent not knowing how to respond. I felt like any kind of respond is indication of being argumentative so I was just stuck looking for words to say.

Now, I DID correct myself few HOURS later when I came home and wrote her an email explaining how I misprhased it. But then in response to that email she simply said that "both of us misphrased things and it ended up not solving anything so we can continue to meet but we should not talk about the subject again". Then the fact that the subject left undiscussed caused me to be more awkward which caused things to spiral downward.

Anyway, the bottom line is I corrected myself few HOURS later, but few hours ended up being too long of a time. But my mind simply didnt process things any time earlier.

What can I say...I myself haven't ever met someone who didn't have a problem with how my mind works... And of course they won't give me a second chance, what for, since my mind is not something I can change at will and promptly.

Well, life's unfair isn't it I don't expect anything from people and hope they don't expect anything from me though I know some of them do. I don't expect they'll try to understand how my mind works. I actually believe this would do more harm than good.

For what it's worth, I rarely even try to correct the misunderstanding anymore. More than likely, it will get worse rather than better if I try.

Well in my case I can easilly change that specific aspect of how my mind works. Like you said in your previous response, all I had to do was correct myself on the spot. And its not like I havent done it before, I have! I was just unlucky that particular day. Thats why it feels so horrible. Like it is so totally OBVIOUS what I messed up and it is so EASY to never do it again, yet I wont get that chance.

You know I remember in the first lecture of probability course the professor said that if you gamble as long as possible, you will be guaranteed to run out of money. The reason is that if you run out of money you are forced to stop. So since thats the only time you stop, you are guaranteed to arrive to that situation sooner or later. Thats how it feels like in social interactions. If I make great impression, communication continues, so I have a chance to ruin it later. On the other hand, if I piss someone off, the communication stops, so I dont have chance to fix it. Thus, the probability theory says that final outcome has to be "pissing them off", with 100 percent certainlty.

The reason it doesnt happen to NTs is that THEIR minds (not mine) are "hardwired" in a sense that they somehow magically avoid these "red spots" so to speak. So their "hard wiring" stops THEM from being subject to simple rule of probability theory; and then they falsely accuse aspies of being rigid. Well I am not as hard wired as they are so sometimes I hit red spots thus I strike out. But if the ONLY problem here is "randomness" then I have good days too. So IF i was given a chance, on a balance maybe things wont be so bad, yet NTs are not willing to give me that chance.

Here is a good example to illustrate the point. Half a year ago a girl named Rachel stopped talking to me because I "only" responded to her twice a day instead of 5 times a day, and the 2 page responses to her 3 page emails didnt address all of the details she was asking. Now, that complaint is the OPPOSITE to the kind of complaint most NT-s have of me: most NT-s say I am too long winded and too clingy. Yet in Rachels case it was the opposite. But bottom line is the same: she lost interest. So yeah, it has nothing to do wiht my mind, but it has everythign to do with "randomness" that professor was talking about, at least in case of Rachel and Anne anyway. Well there are OTHER GIRLS where it IS about my mind. But it is pity that when I ran on the FEW that have the same mind as I do, the "bad luck" ruins it all.

I don't understand...if you yourself explain all the ways you're different from NTs and things that are natural to them are so hard for you to achieve, then why would it surprise you that NTs prefer minds that work more like their own?

Example:

I find that often NTs discuss one issue when actually the problem between them lies elsewhere. I think they do it as a way of protecting the relationship from the risk of ending as a result of the discussion. Like, as long as we're discussing a non-issue, there won't be a need to separate if we don't end up agreeing, because it's a non-issue. But they both know, without saying it, the real issue they're truly discussing.

Aspies, on the other hand, find this method maddening. We need to discuss the real problem, and tackle its root cause - to have a higher chance of solving it.

I remember that for decades I couldn't understand, if I was addressing the root of the problem between us and trying to solve it, why people wouldn't give me a second chance. There was hope for us! - I thought. Well, astonishingly, many didn't like me PRECISELY because I'm a person that discusses the REAL issue and tries to find the root cause. They didn't even care about us finding a solution, because they already didn't like my mind from my very discussion style.

I'm not sure I've explained myself, but what I mean is how our minds work differently from theirs transpires in most things we do, including in how we try to solve a problem between us and another.

To give a ridiculous example for the sake of quick clarity: it could be that your shirt color was not the shirt color an NT wears to go discuss a problem with the woman one truly loves. So even before you open your mouth to prove there's hope, you're already showing there's no hope - by your choice of shirt color.

Lets take a gambling example. So suppose player A was "hardwired" in a way that the total number of "wins" minus the total number of "loses" are between -10 and +10. In other words, if total number of wins happens to exceed the number of losses by 10, player A is guaranteed to lose next time, or if total number of losses exceeds the number of wins by 10, they will win. On the other hand, suppose a player B does not have that hard wiring, so each new win/loss of player B is completely independent with his past wins/losses. Suppose both players start with 20 dollars. The "hardwiring" of player A will force his amount of money to be between 10 or 30 dollars; in other words, player A would never strike out. On the other hand, player B might have 50 dollars, 100 dollars, etc, but eventually he will reach 0 dollars and then he will strike out. So, as a final outcome player A will do better than player B: the former will have 10-30 dollars while the latter will have 0 dollars.

Now lets change the rules Suppose the person that has 0 dollars is allowed to continue to play, so that they can have negative amount of dollars. In this case, player B might have negative amount of dollars for a while, but then a while later their money will go back up again and who knows maybe it will exceed 30 dollars which player A can not exceed. So, on a balance, two players will do equally well: on one hand player B can have less than 10 dollars and on the other hand they can have more than 30 dollars while player A can do neither. But if you put back the rule that a player strikes out when they rich 0 dollars, then player B will be losing again.

Bottom line: The rule when people strike out is unfair since it "weeds out" the people that are "more flexible" while on a balance being "more flexible" is NOT a bad trait.

Now back to your question. You asked me why it surprised me that NT-s prefer minds that work like their own. Well, like the gambling example illustrates, if the "striking out" rule is relaxed, then people who used to do bad wont be doing badly any more. So maybe if NT-s were to relax the striking out rule in a social arena, perhaps my good days will balance out my bad days so that on the average they would get along with me just as well as with each other.



But they do have to discuss the actual issue at least implicitly, or it will remain unresolved. Now, if they do discuss it implicitly, then the negative effects you just mentioned will likewise be there. So in order to avoid conflict the only option is to avoid implicit discussion as well. But if thats the case, wont they have an accumulated list of unresolved issues? I mean I know that is not what NT-s want: for one thing, quite a few girls mention that they want their partner to be open so that issues wont remain undiscussed.

In any case, as far as Anne is concerned there were several times when she tried to bring up my mom and my ex, and *I* was the one avoiding discussion. Now, my more general pattern is that I DO discuss things. So in Anne's case I strayed from my general mindset. Thats why I feel "if only" I were to stay consistent with my mindset maybe I would have answered all of her questions about my mom since she was ASKING me HERSELF! I wish I had a chance to do it now.



I know by "wrong color shirt" you were referring to style of discussion (going to the root of the problem). But your analogy "happened" to apply to a lot wider range of things: such as forgetting to say "hello", speaking in a loud voice, forgetting to take a shower, etc. And in this context I think it is silly that they say there is no hope because the shirt has wrong color. Yes there is hope: just tell me what color of the shirt you want me to wear and I will wear the one you want. Simple. Yet they wont do that.

I understand what you mean, and moreover, most people who reject me, I see who they keep company with and will take anything from, and in most cases I just cringe. But I have to understand that people feel best with like-minded people, even if lower quality...

It does seem often like they end up leaving us for a series of misunderstandings which if only we had a chance to explain / do again. But they leave us because we're too different from them for their enjoyment.

We aspies are a lot more willing to try hard at a relationship because we don't have an over-abundance of people we get along with. But NTs don't need to make such efforts. They don't need to settle for someone they have to tell which shirt to wear.