Aspies and One-Sided Relationships

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Lo
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30 Jan 2007, 9:47 am

I've found that too. I think part of it is that we are emotionally blind, and so we just have to do what seems best by judgement based around logic, rather than intuition, which is always trying to get the friend to talk to you so you know they are still your friends. Perhaps NT people don't feel the need to communicate friendship so much and so often because they accept that it is there (I dunno how they know - must be telepathy). I had a friend who is always friendly and nice when we speak but doesn't respond to texts or CG messages, includes me in things and has a similar sense of humour. I haven't spoken to him in a while but I have no evidence that the friendship has gone - there'd be no logical reason for that. Anyway I have a great mutual friendship at the moment, which feels brilliant, even though I can't quite believe it's true - it's the first even-sided friendship I've ever had. So perhaps it's nothing wrong with you as a friend, you just need to keep looking? Hope that was helpful...

mikh07
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30 Jan 2007, 11:28 pm

I have experienced the things said by the OP. This... tendency is 'bad' and may bring up the dreaded red flag known as 'being too clingy.'

Uh.. there's nothing I can really do about it other than being more self aware and telling myself 'no' more often.

Cyanide
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31 Jan 2007, 2:38 am

NeantHumain wrote:

I have noticed that for people with Asperger's syndrome (or at least me and I'm assuming others have noticed this too), relationships tend to be extremely one sided. I believe this is one reason it is so hard to develop and maintain friendships for a person with AS. I am not referring to the tendency for people with AS to monologue about a favorite subject. I am referring to the very strong tendency for the person with AS having to put all the effort into maintaining and developing the friendship without the other person putting any active effort in. Maybe this is because they already have many friends and commitments. However, for me, it means almost always being the one to seek the person out and get the conversation going, make the phone call, or send the first instant message. If that person and other people are planning an activity, I have to weasel myself into being invited because I won't be invited without asking explicitly or otherwise strongly hinting at it or making them feel obligated. The same applies even with members of my own family. In high school, I'd have to go to my mom to make my brother invite me to join him and his friends to see a movie.

Because I have to put in all the effort to keep an acquaintanceship or have it grow into a friendship, these relationships never grow. I suspect a lot of people see me as boring, too serious, and not easily excited or enthused, but I can't help my personality and what I find interesting.

Has anyone else noticed this phenomenon?

Wow I've felt like that a lot.

Melantha
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04 Feb 2007, 11:26 pm

goomba wrote:

I find that other people put more effort into maintaining relationships than I do. I frequently find myself avoiding relationships, phone calls, and going out with others. Also, all my romantic relationships have been one-sided in that my boyfriend would generally put in more effort in than I. I can even forget anniversaries and birthdays and all, with my SO remembering or caring about these things more than I. So I guess I can't relate to your experiences.

This is my experience, too. I have about zero reciprocity when it comes to friendship maintenance. I don't call, I don't visit, sometimes I don't even email, because I just don't want to, even though a part of me knows I'm sabotaging myself. It's just too much effort and too stressful for something I don't really feel I need.

On the other hand, if it's a sexual relationship I end up like the OP. I get too attached too fast, I get insecure and clingy and end up basically scaring them away. I worked on it a lot, but I know the feelings would still be the same.

ProfessorX
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15 Feb 2007, 11:50 am

I hope it would be okay if I were to post my thoughts on this as, I've had the same troubles. I'm not sure if it deals with the fact, I'm not good at verbal reciprocation as well being able to relate to another person in the best way time wise emotionally speaking. There have been times where my responses came at the wrong time. Over the years cause, I tend to be a quiet person this has put me in the category of either A-- getting bullied for being silent or B-- being wrongfully identified as being homosexual male.Sincerely neither of these are valid yet, at times it seems it's hard to get across to persons in the NT world that Autistic communication whether it's verbal or non-verbal tends to be different therefore, unless you have the patience and willingnes to learn then don't go around dragging someone relationship as, I would like to put it.

I shall state though that, I was once in a nice,compassionate relationship 7yrs ago which, lasted for a total of 4yrs even if there was ups & downs but, all relationships have these qualities though. Realistically,
I'm not good at talking about relationship matters however, I thought it would be carthartic by submitting this.

Professor X

AlexandertheSolitary
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06 May 2015, 9:23 pm

biostructure wrote:

NeantHumain wrote:

Yes, I have noticed this quite often. I think some of it has to do with the fact that my friends are usually very intellectual and take very difficult classes or work in research that requires a lot of their time. Some of them also live with one or more of their other friends, either as roommates or in the same building, so seeing these friends is easier than arranging for me to visit them (and them visiting me would require them to walk a ways.

Curiously, there is one type of people that seem to behave EXACTLY the opposite, and this is strongly religious people. For awhile I was in this philosophy discussion group, and it was run by this guy who clearly bases his entire worldview on Catholic teachings. For instance, he believes that birth control is immoral, that stem cell research must be stopped, etc. After a while I stopped attending the group, since every session turned into an argument between his and my views (the group had only 4-5 regular members, and considering that my university has >24,000 students, this probably had more to do with him than lack of interest in philosophy). Despite the fact that I found little common ground with him, he valued my presence in the group so much that he sometimes canceled it when I didn't show up because of other events at the same time.

Also, there was this guy who had long since graduated, but still was (and maybe still is) involved in the running of an Asian Baptist organization on campus. He met me while eating in a school cafeteria and started asking me about evolution, and after seeing him for only the second time he started contacting me about wanting to hang out together. He also wanted me to go to some of the events of his group, even though he knew I was neither Asian nor Baptist. While one of his events was still fun (it was a barbecue and ultimate frisbee game), for the most part I was uninterested because I was the only white guy surround by Asians who were quite religious and mostly from traditional backgrounds (I have quite some Asian friends, but they are not the kind of "church kids" I ran into at these events). The guy even showed up unannounced at my dorm during finals to give me a snack.

These make me wonder if there's a connection between believing in religion and being willing to pursue relationships even with little visible reciprocity (sort of like their "relationship" with God maybe?).

Thank you for sharing this interesting account. As an Aspie and a Christian, I may not be able to speak for the diverse category of humans who might be described as in some sense "religious", but speaking for myself I would definitely say that there is an aspect of this. Indeed if one's love of God were not reflected to some extent in one's interactions with one's fellow humans, I would be worried. Left to myself, I might be content to withdraw to my room and my books with occasional conversations for added stimulation (were it not that I would sooner or later desire a feminine companion. Again, were it not for my faith I might be less inclined to make the effort to overcome the covetousness or to grow in compassion, not withstanding my Aspergian difficulties with empathy and theory of mind).

This is not to say that humans of all faiths and none are prone to sharing the general human propensity for one and the same individual having the capacity for the most abominable wickedness and the most surprising goodness.

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BourbonGuy
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08 May 2015, 8:53 am

NeantHumain wrote:

Yes, I've noticed this phenomenon often. At first, it would upset me to see unequal reciprocity in any of my relationship attempts...sometimes for years I would be upset and just never understand why. Years later, I began to see these relationship attempts differently. I saw where people I previously attempted to form a relationship with from years ago, seek me out and a friendship flourishes. I have also seen where people would seek me out, and after we become friends I learned of how they were inspired to seek out new friendships from someone that once sought them out years before.

Now I view these friendship attempts similar to the planting of seeds, which do not bud & blossom until much later. When I attempt to make new friendships, I don't seek immediate reciprocity anymore. Instead, I see it as planting a seed in the hopes of being there when it blossoms.

dianthus
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08 May 2015, 11:01 am

BourbonGuy wrote:

I like this view.

elysian1969
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08 May 2015, 11:18 am

Active_Guy wrote:

I think we will NEVER have friendships as NTs have. I think we are just NOT BUILT for it. Don't get me wrong, I DON'T see that as a negative thing, no longer. I've spent years trying (& failing) to fit, and you know what? I finally found my way (psychological indipendence, strength, self-esteem, good mood , productivity ecc.), when i left my "friends" and stopped trying . The need for friendship, as far as Aspies are concerned, is a false and misleading need (mostly induced by our surroundings) that in the end can only bring us down. This is my experience. Don't get me wrong: I'm very nice to people, but when i arrive at home i just want to be alone to do the things i REALLY enjoy. In case I find a SPECIAL person ok, i'm open-minded, otherwise (after years of depression and suicidal thougts) I'm just fine the way I am right now.
The general point is: deep inside, we are AUTISTICS (i hate this term, it sounds so pathologizing to me). That part of us will NEVER go away. We can either choose 1) LOVE it & be happy 2) hate it , trying to conform for it's own sake, and be depressed/angry ecc.. I 'm convinced we CAN choose.
Hope you got my point :wink:

Yes, I get your point very well. I have a precious few close relationships, and that's OK. I don't need (nor do I want) to be surrounded by people all the time. A little interaction goes a LONG way.

Most of the time I crave solitude like a junkie craves a fix- so I can read, listen to music, just plain think, or write. It's nothing personal, just the way I'm wired - and I'm cool with it. It did take me many years to get to a place where I could be comfortable in my own skin though. What you get is what you get as far as hard-wiring is concerned, but attitude is very much a choice. :heart:

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Hyperborean
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08 May 2015, 11:26 am

NeantHumain wrote:

Yes, with very few exceptions this has been my experience - at least with NTs. With people with AS, however, who have the same difficulty, I actually find it easier because we are both approaching friendship in a similar way. Our needs and expectations tend to be similar, which creates a form of equilibrium.

banana247
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08 May 2015, 1:45 pm

In elementary school, i was fine because it was "cool" to be super smart and liked by all of the teachers. So i was popular. I did have this problem in around middle school and high school. Always easily made casual acquaintances with anyone who i decided i wanted to be friends with, but they never seemed to reciprocate my efforts to make the friendship expand.

Finally at my community college, i managed to make some stronger friends. Maybe because i was able to take classes that i was actually interested in, so these people had things in common with me, or maybe i had just matured enough to hold my own a little better.

One friend in particular took an great liking to me and became a wonderful best friend full of guidance, support, and a desire to confide in me, ask my opinions, and invite me to outings or just to keep her company. We called/texted each other equally and it felt like a fair and even relationship. I thought i had finally just found the right person. Then she suddenly cut me off and began to grow colder, snappier, and flakier in staying in touch or even calling me back when tradgedy and trauma was striking in my life.

She broke my heart... now i am back in the same place again as you have described. I am unsure whether to have hope from my experience that there may be someone out there who will want to invest in a relationship as much as i do, or to be discouraged that if i do find that person, they will eventually flake out on me. it doesn't seem like i did anything differently with that one 'successful' friend to develop the relationship that we had, but i do find it harder to make the effort now that i have experienced the heartbreak. it's a LOT of work to make friends and i hate the idea that the effort may be for nothing!

Marie8434
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17 May 2015, 1:37 pm

NeantHumain wrote:

I feel very much like this. Now I have no friends. I've to,d all sorts of things about putting in effort to make friends (before any mention of ASD). I feel I put in a lot of effort when I try to make friends, but maybe it's the wrong kind of effort. I've begun to look at some social skills books for people on the spectrum, which is better because it doesn't assume the knowledge that other books/therapists do.
At times I just give up, but am very loney and isolated.

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