It's very hard trying to live a normal life when people..

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Same here. I am known as a "nice guy".. I am, I like to do good things, but nobody is interested in being friends. I have no friends, it sucks. I try, but it's like people have this impossible circle around them that you cannot just go into without being already known within their circle of people. It's a catch 22 that I have yet to ever break. The loneliness sucks, but I don't know what to do anymore. People just don't seem to want to be friends unless you are already friends with their friends.

As many have already said, this is exactly my situation as well. I once wrote a very long essay titled "That Girl" claiming that despite my efforts and general kindness towards others I would always be "that girl from work" or "That girl from music class" or "That girl who sits by herself" (I didn't even know what AS was until about 3 years ago, age 23, and this was long before then... I had no idea why I was different in school). They only notice me as an afterthought, a part of the scenery. And although they are polite enough (sometimes) and I'm a willing participant in conversations and small talk... I'm just not interesting enough to them to want to connect with.

Even those I called friends... I was never the one they'd call to hang out or go places with. I was the afterthought. They never really minded me being there... but I wasn't necessarily on the guest list.

It's extremely lonely. It has been all my life. I remember in the first grade being the only one in the neighborhood not invited to a birthday party. It made me acutely aware of my separation, even then. After a crying fit on the school bus and a childish rant to my mother about not having friends... well, nothing was ever accomplished. I still have just as few friends today.

And now... having moved 3000 miles away from home... even my acquaintances are fading.

It's rough, but we'll get by somehow. Just stay strong and remind yourself that you're not the only one left out.

I think it is because you don't speak their language, the unwritten NT language (scripts for social interactions that they have in their heads). It is damn near impossible for us to properly execute social interaction even when we know on a logical level what is called for. That is the conclusion I have come up with.

I don't feel lonely because I have accepted that I will not have people to hang out with for the time being (other than my immediate family). I just focus on doing stuff I like by myself. In social situations, I focus on being polite, staying away from sociopaths, and forming alliances (I scratch your back and you scratch mine). I have given up on the prospect of forming deep connections with people (other than a possible sexual partner). I just keep it surface. Maybe I am too cynical, but I don't believe in unconditional love. I only believe in alliances. If I have something someone wants, we are friends. If I don't have anything someone wants, we are no longer friends. That also is the same with sexual partners.

I agree with Leafplant and em_tsuj completely. On days that the lack of humans in my life starts affecting me too much, I come to WP and threads like this one remind me that I'm not missing out on anything (as Leafplant explained it, I require purposeful relating, the social stuff just bores me to death and leaves me feeling more lonely than being alone).

Nowadays I try to have cooperation relationships with people where I try for them to owe me favors so they'll help me when I need it.

You know, OP, if you're not interested in that kind of relationship, that's fine. But I just gotta say, maybe some of those guys are aspies/autistic themselves. When men here complain that they can't get a girlfriend, and that not even the socially-inept quirky girls will give them a chance, this may be what they mean. So all should take heed the next time one of those threads pops up.

But getting back your main point, this post, I feel, is an excellent example of what it means to have Asperger's or some other high-functioning form of Autism. There have been threads trying to pinpoint what defines us, and they end up all over the board. Some will go on about sensory overload, others meltdowns, and others still will point out executive function or taking things extremely literally, etc.

Truth is, none of those thins define the AS experience in totality. But this thread seems to be an embodiment of one of the main tenants of Asperger's.

As a kid and a teenager, I never had objections to the idea of having friends. But I always wanted friends on my terms. Yes, friendship is a give-and-take, but I always felt if I had to totally restructure who I was in order to get friends, then it wasn't worth it. Partly in principle, partly in a realization that I'd never have the strength to keep it up. I totally agree with the person who said that we're more inclined to refuse to alter who we are for others. But you see, even when NTs adhere to a group norm and conform, they're still doing so instinctively. For us, it goes against every bone in our bodies.

I find the responses to this thread very telling.

What defines Aspergers for me is the feeling of being so much different than others. This makes relating to others quite difficult. The visuals associated with being from the "wrong planet" sums it up nicely for me.



I, too, refuse to alter myself to please others. After all, that would be duplicitous. Of course, I always try to be nice and polite (as that is how I am and would expect others to be).

Interestingly, throughout my life, I was told (by parents, teachers, etc.) to "just be yourself" which is a bit odd, given what you are suggesting above about NTs norming and forming instinctively.

Actually, it's not that odd if you think about it for a moment.

"Just be yourself" is a message by NTs for NTs. What it really means is that: "We all know it's natural and instinctive for us to conform and comply, but every now and then it's good to step back for a moment an be ourselves." It's a reminder that sometimes its okay to hold back from that which comes naturally and examine the self.

For those with AS, it would be the opposite. We usually don't have much of a problem being ourselves. The advice would be the opposite: "Conform more!"

Now, I'm not saying I agree with that. What I'm saying is that if the NT understood the AS mind, and wanted you to be more NT, that would be the more correct advice for them to give you. But since those people didn't understand your way of thinking, they tried to reinforce the NT line of "just be yourself," which doesn't apply in our case.

ezbzbfcg2 –I have never thought about it that way before. What incredible insight! It now makes sense why I had previously been so confused about the "just be yourself" advice. Thank you.

Is it better to have no friends or a "best friend" who is painfully absent? I've always felt that she treated other people with far more respect (for lack of a better word) than me. She'd talk perfect strangers off their proverbial ledge but when I have a problem, she is no where to be found.

I visit once a year, I live in Asia and she lives in the United States, but I only get 2 or 3 hours one-on-one quality time with her in the two weeks I am there. She says I am demanding. I think it is reasonable to want to spend time with someone you see once a year. She's said "I've got your back" countless times, yet I've had to deal with my own problems time and time again. I always try to be there for her. I feel it is very one sided, I feel I am always giving.

She sent me to the airport and brought a friend along, someone she took the day off to go shopping with after she dropped me off. She spoke to that friend in the car but not a word to me. She's told me countless times I am her best yet she doesn't act like I am. Is she mind-effing me?

I am confused and I cycle between being angry at her and angry at myself. I'd appreciate some insight please. Thank you.

Does that friendship feel like a burden to you, wildorange?

Shatbat: Sadly yes. I can't figure out if I am demanding or if I am being taken for granted.

Friendships shouldn't be draining. When you are apart, what do you guys talk about? Mostly about your problems or mostly about hers, or is it more balanced? If you feel uncomfortable, like there is something wrong, then there probably is. Why do you like spending time with her, which are the bright spots?

I'm so sorry about that.

We send text messages the other 50 weeks of the year. I usually keep mine light, I send photos of what interests me or her with the occasional grumble. She doesn't like to talk about her problems, she says talking doesn't help, so she puts on a happy face and moves on. But when we do talk about problems, it is usually hers (60-65%). I know she is busy, but she can just text "hey I'm busy, you ok?"? I would usually say I'm fine even when I'm not.

She is my complete opposite -- she is outgoing and fun, she makes friends easily and she has hundreds of them, she makes me laugh. I'd ask her questions about everything: How to approach someone, who makes the first move, and any question I could think of about interacting with people. This was before I knew of Aspergers or even suspected I might have it. Each visit also comes with a meltdown, usually after she starts to ignore me and I retreat into my room and then she gets even more annoyed at me and ignores me even more.

After 5 years, my brain has deduced that we have different definitions of what a best friend is and how to be one. But my heart hurts because I feel I am not appreciated. I don't think I'm sure a downer, I'm usually pretty game and I play along, though I need my down time at the end of the day. Should I be asking myself what she gets from being with me?

Why don't you like to talk about your problems? Do you want to avoid annoying her? To see what she gets from being around you is a very interesting question to consider, indeed. And anyway, if you know that every time you go visit she is distant and you don't feel happy, why do you keep doing it? Also, small question, are you always available to the point you will stop doing other things so you are near her?

Yes, I am afraid to annoy her with my problems. I only talk about my problems when they become too huge to bear on my own. I keep visiting because I have hope that the next visit would be different. Yes, I make time for her whenever she needs to talk to me even when it's in the middle of the night. Does this mean something?