WHAT CAN AN NT DO TO MAKE A FRIENDSHIP WORK WITH YOU

Post Reply New Topic

Yes, but what does that mean? Do you need extra time alone, do you only want someone who will be interested in your hobbies, are you willing to compromise some things if the person is an NT and has different interests? Will you accept them for who they are - someone who needs to socialize and do things with friends, someone who needs their "Hunny" to talk with them and give them one on one time, watch a movie with them while cuddling on the couch? What does one need to do in order to accept you as who you are?

I hear Aspies tell me all the time that they wish a person would just come out and say what they are thinking, but that is the hardest thing for me to do because I feel like I'm being rude and will hurt their feelings, but I guess it's the opposite - I won't be. If I were to talk to another NT like my girlfriends in such a way, we would end up in a fight or the friendship would be over because NT's deal with "feelings" instead of "logic". Sometimes I will still get offended when an Aspie tells me something that they are trying just to say outright, but I'm then trying to figure out are they just being blunt or are they really trying to be rude like an NT would be? It's very confusing. Probably like what Aspies deal with everyday.

yellowtamarin wrote:

nurseangela replied:

and Lukecash12 added:

I had also included in my post:


I’m pretty sure this is why it’s being repeated: we are aware that most NT’s automatically look for subtext, but with Aspies, there usually isn’t any.

Therefore, as well as not assuming that an Aspie successfully inferred what you meant to imply, making the friendship work means not assuming that your Aspie friend meant to imply whatever subtext you inferred! The subtext you are looking for probably isn’t there. Responding to him as though it were is likely to confuse him, and then you’ll also read subtext into the expression of confusion and you’ll both end up unnecessarily angry.

At least that’s what happens with me and other NT’s all the time, especially NT hubby. All it takes is me being confused at something he said and he assumes all kinds of negative emotions from me that aren’t there. Somehow he reads it on my face when it doesn’t exist in my head or my heart.

Therefore I will add: don’t tell your Aspie friends how they feel, or that you know how they feel, or that you don’t believe them when they tell you how they feel because you read something else on their face. Aspie non-verbal communication is different from NT NVBLs, and we don’t always realize that other people are reading us wrong because of it.

Don't assume that we are saying anything to make you feel stupid. I make my boyfriend feel like this accidentally sometimes, but I'm not trying to; I'm just trying to get on the same page of understanding as him.

My Aspie friend said his facial expressions never correspond with how he is feeling, which makes me smile because there is no way I would know what he is thinking since I rely on body language so much. He says he can look mad, but be totally happy. How am I to know when he is actually mad? Will he just have the facial expression or actually say something like "I'm mad"?

I can see where communication problems happen all the time between Aspies and NT's. That's why I'm a big believer in telling the important people in your life that you have AS and they also need to be familiar with the traits.

Oh my goodness so much this.

I’ve even put it in my blog: however confusing your Aspie friend is to you, please try to remember that basically everyone we meet is at least that confusing to us!

Never say, "You're an excellent driver!" to an Aspie.

Some will, some won’t. Some are alexithymic and literally can’t put how they are feeling into words. Some will struggle even if you ask them to tell you how they feel and why.
Some will respond well to things like: it looks to me like maybe you’re angry. Are you mad about something? Others will react very negatively to that, as it will feel to them that they are being condescended to and treated like a child having a temper tantrum.
Me? I’m actually very good at putting my feelings into words, but probably because I spend so damn much time in self-analysis. I get really upset when people tell me that the way I really feel must be different from the way I say I feel because they can read my facial expression, vocal inflection or body language better than I can read my own soul. I also have the “resting mad face” so I look either serious or slightly annoyed even with every muscle in my face totally relaxed and no intention whatsoever of conveying an emotion via facial expression.

LyraLuthTinu's post (quoted below) really stood out to me as being a lot of things I would want NTs to know about how to treat me.

Other things I would add that apply to me personally, and may resonate with others:

If I start repeating myself or saying the same thing three different ways, searching for the best word, please don't think it's because I think YOU didn't get it. I'm only drifting away on my own search for the best way to express something. I try not to do that, trust me, but sometimes I forget. (This actually caused an argument once.)

Please understand if sometimes I don't answer my phone or a knock on the door. I hate unexpected interaction (especially the knock on the door). And if I've had a particularly stressful time lately, I'm going to need a lot of recovery time, and that involves my home being my castle and my sanctuary for a while. Time alone recharges me.

Which leads me to: Time alone recharges me!
Don't panic if I need a lot of time alone. To many NT people this is a warning sign of horrible things and depression and suicide! Well it can be that but it's also a sweet relief to someone like me. To me, time alone is like a medication that actually helps me be ready for more exposure to the world, rather than a red flag that you need to conduct an intervention and storm the castle. Time alone without humans is not sickness for me, it's health and healing -- please respect it and understand it's good for me, not bad.

Please understand that sometimes in the middle of a perfectly happy and cordial face to face conversation we are having, I will say something that sounds to you like I was being snide, sarcastic, insulting, or mean -- and I genuinely wasn't, I just have "foot in mouth" disease! Exacerbated by the stress caused by my having a social interaction even with someone I like and whose company I am enjoying. I get verbally clumsy when even mildly stressed, and this can happen even when I'm otherwise enjoying our time together.
Very often I realize as soon as I've said it; other times it dawns upon me a week later why you acted pissed off with me ever since that moment. If you think I've said something insulting out of the blue in the middle of a perfectly nice conversation, ASK me for clarification instead of festering about it ever after, thus eroding our friendship. I will be able to tell you "Oh GOD NO I never meant that, I said the totally wrong thing and it didn't start out that way in my head."

Thank you. I appreciate having my words validated like that!

I agree with your post as well, especially about needing alone time.

NT hubby seems to think that "I need some alone time" means "I don't like you anymore" or "I don't want to do things with you ever again."

I wish I could get him to believe that it just means an hour or two and then I'll want him back underfoot saying "I love you baby" both with words and with NVBL communication like hugs and touch and smiles.

Last edited by LyraLuthTinu on 25 Jun 2015, 1:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

No prob! Your post resonated with me so clearly it could have been something I would have posted myself, almost word for word.

Well, I had not thought about it until your post. My daughter has always treated me the way I wanted to be treated. She is clear in her communication to me. I never have to guess where she stands or what she wants. She knows I am concrete and take things literally. If I am doing something that annoys her, she explains how she feels about that. If I talk too much about something, she lets me know she has heard enough about that topic. We have a similar sense of humor and are interested in similar things.

My parents put up with me and I was supposed to guess in response to them and I usually guessed wrong. I usually picked dysfunctional friends and narcissistic romantic interests. So, yes. I have a nice, healthy love for my daughter and psychologically unhealthy relationships with others. I am grateful for your question.

I probably should also have referenced this post as it speaks to the same things:

I so do this. Even with NT hubby. He asked me (he packs my lunch for work most mornings while I get dressed) if I wanted my sandwich on a plate. I wasn't even able to answer the question. I knew that if I'd blurted out what popped into my head straightaway would not have gone over well. He would have heard overtones of "that's a stupid question" even though I wasn't thinking that--I just realized that's how it would have sounded to him if I'd said "Why would I need it to be on a plate?" I was thinking it would be fine just wrapped in cellophane and in the bag with the chips and cookies. It took me about an hour and a half to figure out what would have been a polite and truthful response: "whatever makes it easiest for you to pack will be fine, thank you honey." Instead I sat with a blank stare on my face because I couldn't think what answer he wanted to hear, and *that* irked him too. He apologized for asking me too many questions.



This, too. Mostly because while I have ideas about what to say, I have no idea how to figure out that it's my turn to speak, or if I'm allowed to interrupt, or how to signal that I would like to put my two cents in. Often I open my mouth and emit an airy sort of breathy sound, realize that someone else is talking, and close my mouth again. I expect this looks odd to NT's, except that I'm also uncertain that they even notice. If they noticed me sitting there with my mouth gaping and shutting like a hungry fish, they would realize I wanted to talk too, right? Or does it make them want to ignore me because it just looks so weird?



This would be a good trick, I'd love it if all NT's could learn how to do this with their Aspie friends.



I get what you're saying. A similar thing that bugs me is when I do find someone that shares an interest -- especially Disney animated movies and fantasy stories like Narnia, Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter -- certain people like NT hubby or MeMum are quick to shut me down because they don't share that interest and wish I didn't have it. My daughters and I used to talk that stuff, but now we don't so much because there's a good chance that NT hubby will get cranky if we do. He feels "excluded."

Of course, we feel excluded when he talks sports, fishing, hunting or most especially performance automotives with guys who share those interests. But we're not allowed to ask him to change the subject on account of our inability to relate and participate, we have to just sit staring at the floor until people start talking about something we ken.

Personally I wouldn't want to be in a friendship where the other person feels like they have to "make it work" with me.

You've had some excellent, detailed advice so far. To this I would just add that the longer you spend in the company of Aspiens, the more you will see that each one has as many personal characteristics as an NT. Some of these will probably be AS-related, others will be simply human traits. So take your time and don't make a big deal out of socialising with Aspies, because if you're not careful you'll come across as a therapist or support worker rather than a friend.

Be patient, be genuine, and have a sense of humour.

I'm here to make new friends while having fun, but I also believe that getting along with my current Aspie friends (and future Aspie friends) takes constant learning. I'm finding out new things everyday. But like you said, everyone is unique and the more replies I get from different Aspies, I'm better able to understand certain things better. I have read several Aspie books and was on another Aspie site for 1.5 yrs thinking that certain things about Aspies were set in stone, but have found out otherwise after opening threads and asking specific questions regarding NT's and Aspie's.

After asking certain questions, I've come to some conclusions so far that may or may not be true (anyone who thinks different, please say something):

1) Communication is the biggest problem.
2) Constant learning is needed from both sides.
3) This was interesting, but I think the whatever an Aspie thinks an NT would want, what the NT really wants is the EXACT OPPOSITE of what the Aspie would want and vice versa. A few examples:
a) Aspies thrive with alone time. Most NT's need socializing.
b) Aspies only need to say they love you once in the relationship and not more than that because they believe it
should just be understood unless something is said that the relationship is having a problem. With NT's, if they
stop saying "I love you", it usually means there is something wrong with the relationship.
c) The Aspies I know who are upset about something prefer to have time alone to get through it, while NT's
(mostly NT females) want to be comforted and have someone around to help them get through the problem.

Those are just some of the examples off the top of my head. I have found that Aspie females are different than Aspie males and have some of the same traits as NT females, but not as strong - they are kind of in the middle. Aspie males act like NT males x10. The way I see the hierarchy of differences are the following: NT females - Aspie females - NT males - Aspie males, making NT females and Aspie males on the opposite ends of similarities and may explain why communication between NT females in a relationship with Aspie males may have communication problems. Aspie females and NT males are closer together which may explain why I have read that there are fewer problems in these relationships.

These are just some thoughts I have had.